Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I am not alone....

I'm not alone

When I started doing research on the Internet, about what I had been through, I had no idea it had a name. So I just started searching about single moms, noncustodial moms, mothers without children. Anything that I could associate with what had happened to me.

I found a book that Alec Baldwin wrote. He had been in the media for his message that he left on his daughters phone. When I read what was in his book, he nailed everything that I had been through. When I searched his name, he was on the view talking about his story and PA. He has been a victim of PA and is a huge advocate. He isn't afraid to share his story. When I read his book, I wanted to meet this man. Not because of who he was, but because he and I share a connection. Well, OK, maybe a little because of who he is, and if I just happen to have his book in my hand with a sharpie, and he just happens to sign my book...well then I would be OK with that too. I'm only human, I get star struck too!

After I read his book, I knew there had to be more book, or stories about PA. So my search changed, I was no longer looking for books about noncustodial mothers, or parents without custody. When I came across “The Look of Love” by Jill Egizii, and read what is was about, I immediately ordered it on Amazon. I couldn't wait to read it. Once I did, I thought she knew who I was, and wrote my story for me. I was amazed at how similar our stories were.

After I read her book, I sent her an email telling her about me, my boys and our story. Until this book, I had no idea that something like this even existed, that it actually happens to other parents. Other moms. I wasn't alone. I had nothing to loose by sending this email to her. She was just another person that I was trying to contact. Someone that might care that this happened to me too. Someone to listen. In a million years I never thought that I would hear back from her. But in March 2010, I got a phone call from a co-worker, she said that she received a phone call from a women named Jill, and that she was looking to talk to me. She gave me her number and I immediately called her back. Silly me, I forgot to give my phone number on the email, thank goodness she had my company name. When I called her, I didn't know who it was at first. I didn't know of any Jill, or anyone who knew where I worked, let alone the company I worked for. When she introduced herself, she said “I am Jill, the women who wrote that book you emailed me about.” I was so happy to hear from her. We talked for about 30 minutes or so.
She told me that she has been trying to get a hold of me, and wanted to talk to me about Parental Alienation. She was alienated from her kids too. She was an attorney, and an alderman in Springfield Illinois. “was this really happening to me?”
I didn't know what to say to her. She wanted to know why I relinquished my rights, and I gave her a summary of what happened. She asked me if I would be willing to share my story with her for another book. I said “absolutely.” Inside I'm saying to myself, “this is the break I wanted, I wanted my story told”. Then she wanted to know if I would be willing to travel to New York City sometime to talk on the View with her about Parental Alienation. Again, I said “of course, that would be so great.” A trip to New York City, and the View. This is what I have waited for for so long.
We exchanged emails and phone numbers and we have been in contact ever since. I haven't met her yet, but I know that I will. She gave me the Parental Alienation website, and asked that I get involved, and share this information. She told me that April 25 is Parental Alienation Awareness Day. “They have a day for this?” I had finally been recognized, and I finally fit into a group of more then a thousand mothers and fathers that have been alienated from their children.

I got off the phone with her with a sense of acceptance. I was no longer in a category where I didn't belong. I had a purpose. This meant something to me. It meant that I am free from feeling guilty, from shying away from the subject, from not allowing myself to share my story with other people and feel ashamed, embarrassed or afraid. I can stand proud and tell my story with understanding, compassion and truth. I had Parental Alienation to back me up.

With a deep breath, and an extra skip in my step I was able to look forward and not behind me. I called my Aunt as soon as I got in my car that afternoon from work. I wanted to share with her what Jill was offering me. What she shared with me.
My Aunt is such a wonderful person to talk too. She will always give 10 or more reasons to look at the positive side of something. That's what she did with me. She was encouraging and excited for me. I was so overjoyed when I talked to her, I couldn't help myself. Thanks so much for your encouraging words on that day. It made it even better.

I had hoped to share my story with the View too, but that hasn't happened yet.
A about a year ago, my Aunt, the one that is so encouraging, introduced me to the “blog” world. I started writing a few paragraphs, but never did it again. It just wasn't my time. I didn't feel like sharing it with anyone. I felt if I kept it all to myself, I won't have to face the criticism, the finger pointing and the whispers. So I just dealt with it on my own. It was better that way. No body asked me, and I didn't offer to share. It was like nothing ever happened.

I didn't share any of my story, or struggles with any one until now. It took me a long time to be at a place in my life to let it all out. I wanted my family to know, my friends, my co-workers my FB friends. I didn't want to hide behind a shield anymore. I didn't want to hide behind the speculation, the gossip and the finger pointing. This is the reason why; A few months ago, well, it may have even last year. My mom, sister and I were sitting outside on the patio and we were talking about the boys. My mom acted like she wanted to ask me a question, I can tell when she has something on her mind, but just wasn't sure how to approach it. Well, finally she asked me “It had been rumored, she said, that Brandon isn't T's kid.” First of all, I wanted to know who said this? I had my own idea of who, but I wanted to know why? I told her straight up, “Oh my God, yes, Brandon is T's.” It bothered me so bad that I wanted to make the announcement to my entire family to stop the rumors and gossip. All they have ever done was speculate, they never asked me. Come to me!! I told my mom “if I knew for one minute that Brandon wasn't T's, I would have said it a long time ago, and he would be sitting here with me today.” I don't know where some people get their information. This infuriates me! But it won't ever stop. That's OK, what comes around goes around!!

But I am not going to let that bother me, I know the truth. All the lies in the world they want to believe won't stop me from telling the truth, setting the record straight and getting it all out there. I am happy with my life. Yes, it is sad sometimes without my kids. But overall, I live a pretty blessed life. My husband is good to me, he provides for me, he loves me. He allows me to share my feelings and thoughts about my kids. He knows that he is free to share his feelings about the boys too. The boys he grew to love. The boys he misses everyday too. We laugh and share memories of each one of the boys. Each one has touched our lives in so many ways. When we see something that the kids would love, we both know what each other is thinking before we even say it. “The boys would love this.”
I don't ever want to forget about my kids. And I don't want them to forget about us.
I am thankful for the opportunity to share with the world what happened to me and my boys. It's important to share, you never know who's going through the same thing, and felt they were alone, they were the only ones. But we are not. This is a problem on a global scale. If I sat back and just pretended that this didn't happen, or that PA didn't exists, then I would be allowing the courts, attorney's and the parents that are the worst influence on their kids get away with child abuse. And I won't sit back and allow this to happen. I will let my kids voices be heard. I want my voice to be heard.

If we had judges and attorney's that cared about the “best interest of the children” then so many families wouldn't be suffering the way I am. If parents knew that when they keep children away from the other parent, or brainwash them into thinking the other parent is the reason for their problems, it hurts the children the most. Parents need to learn to get along, cooperate and not seek revenge on the other parent during a divorce. It hurts the kids. Parents that alienate children, don't care about the kids feelings or how this will effect them. All they think about is themselves. The game. The power.
They will not stop until they have won.

All I wanted was fairness. I wanted my kids to be able to love me without limitations, without fear. I wanted nothing but to be the best mom I could for my kids, to love them without limitations. I wanted to be someone they could trust, depend on and talk too. I wanted to be the football or soccer mom cheering on her kids as loud as I could. I wanted to be supportive, encouraging and a friend.
I wanted to laugh with them and protect them, wipe their tears and mend their scrapped knees. I wanted
to see them have a girlfriends, go to prom and graduate. I wanted to see them laugh, smile and catch them when they fall.

But that was all taken away from me. Taken away from them.

Thanks to everyone who took time out of there day to read my story. All your comments and encouraging words meant the world to me. But don't stop following me. This story isn't over yet. My son Cody will be 18 on November 12 and I am hoping to contact him on that day. I am hoping that we will spend the Thanksgiving Holiday together. Wish me luck.

I will also start posting on my other blog as well. I have been so focused on this story that I have neglected my other blog. I am hoping to share with you, who I am through my blog. My likes and dislikes. Travel, food, recipes, and shopping. I hope to keep up with that weekly, and will post it to my FB when I have a post finished.

This is for you
Cody, Brandon, Austin and Dalton
May the road lead us together again.
I love you - Mom

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