Friday, August 12, 2011

A not so happy anniversary.....

Well, tomorrow will mark the 3 year anniversary that I signed the relinquishment papers to terminate my parental rights to my kids. Thanks to the judges, attorney's and the relentless desire from their father, step mom and grandmother to destroy my life and the lives of 4 innocent children,

Our lives will forever be changed. Our lives haven't been the same since that day. I know mine hasn't, and I can only imagine what they have been feeling.

So, what has happened in the 3 years since the justice system failed me and my kids? Well, I am still here, alive a kicking. I am still a mom. I still wake up everyday to the memories of what was. I still wake up with a smile, a laugh and a spirit that won't let the memory die. I wake up knowing that today might be the day that I will hear from Cody. I wake up hopeful that someone else will give me the little push and encouragement I need to keep fighting this fight.

I found an advocacy group. I realized I am not alone. I realized that there are so many other “moms” out there that are waking up with the same broken heart as I am. I realized that I have strength and resilience. I learned how to share my story without feeling like I am going to be judged. I learned who I can and can't trust. I've learned to be patient. I've learned that road blocks have detours and that I have choices, and the road blocks are just “blocks” that can be moved. I've learned who my “real” friends are and who my “real” family is. I've learned to share what I need to and keep quiet when I need to as well. (this, I am still working on) But over all I have learned that I still love my kids. I always will. They bring me joy, happiness and fill my heart everyday with laughter. It's because of them I keep going. It's because of them I have the strength to move forward, stay positive and keep the hope alive that someday the words I share with all of you will somehow get to them.

I wrote a blog. I shared personal and intimate information with the world. I opened up my heart and soul with strangers, family and friends. I made contact with Cody (well, not verbal/one on one) but I know he's hurting, I know he wants to talk to me, but he's being denied that right. I was offered free help. I have 2 warrants. I was served with a restraining order for calling my son on his 16th birthday. I violated that OP, not once but 2x......bla bla bla! The restraining order expired. Then it got extended, then it didn't. Then I had a 3rd violation, then I didn't. (And the OP is long gone...for good this time.) or so I've been told.

I ordered pictures of Cody's prom and lacrosse. I tried to order the graduation pictures but those got intercepted by the “step-mom” and the company removed the pictures from their website and refunded my money. That was a HUGE disappointment, but I still got the prom and lacrosse ones. HUGE SMILES! I learned Cody has had a steady girlfriend and her name is Malorie. She looks like a beautiful young lady and they make a cute couple. My mom attended Cody's graduation and was able to talk to him. She even video taped it for me so I can watch it when I want too.

Then my cousin said Cody called her and wanted my moms information......but I don't believe that story one bit. Cody had all the information he needed or needs to contact me, my mom or my sister. I did believe it at first, but when we saw no results from that so called phone call …. well, lets just say pretty little liars that make up stories to make themselves look like the good deed doers.....sad! (I will leave it at that) ….not to mention my mom gave Cody all the information he needed to contact us, he knows how, so why would he contact “her” first. ALSO, the “story” itself didn't line many holes!

So many things have happened in 3 years, and as you can see I keep the fight alive. I keep the memories of my children alive too. I won't give up. One day I will blog about or reunion.
Although I hate to see my life in the next 3 years without my kids, it will be interesting to see how much closer I get to actually being able to see them.

I often wonder what they are feeling or thinking. I wonder if everyday they think of me and the life we had before August 13, 2008. I wonder if they talk to each other about me? I wonder if they miss me silently so no one else will see the hurt, sadness or pain. I wonder …...if sometimes they think the life before was just a dream. Or is this just a dream? A very bad dream, a nightmare that keeps up trapped within our own sadness. This nightmare that won't allow us to wake up. The continuous torture, sadness and pain. It's all to much too handle sometimes. So sometimes, most times I don't deal with it. I suppress it, and keep it locked away deep inside my heart as if nothing ever happened, as if......if I never even had kids. Yes, that does happen from time to time. But it never lasts too heart and love won't allow me to ever forget that I have 4 children out there. 4 children that are also confused, sad and experiencing the same silent sadness and pain that I am. The difference is, I learned how to share my pain when I feel the need too. I hope someday they learn the same thing.

Being able to share and express the pain and sadness of my life since the termination has been therapeutic for me. Yes, it has made me vulnerable and an easy target for “bashers” and “haters” but it's just because they don't know how it really truly feels.

Tomorrow will be 3 years since I gave into Parental Alienation. If I knew then what I know now, I bet I would still have a relationship with my kids and this nightmare would finally let us wake up.