Friday, December 30, 2011

Hello God, are you kidding me?

On January 29th, 2011 the Order of Protection from 2009 expired. I was FREE! My oldest son was FREE! Or so I thought. It defiantly hasn't been the reunion I had hoped it would be. It wasn't what I dreamed of or envisioned in my head. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I didn't think it would be so hard either. What was I thinking?

After the OP expired, I knew that I still needed to be careful, but didn't need to walk on eggshells either.
Although I had the 2 warrants outstanding in Illinois, I still felt like I was being monitored. That was the reason for me not attending my oldest son's graduation. I didn't feel the need to make a scene on his big day. Even though I knew I wouldn't be the one to make the scene, they would just to be ugly. That's just who they are. To them, nailing me to my own cross on graduation day in front of Cody, that would have been the highlight of the day. Not the graduation.

Since then, we really haven't had any contact. It has been relatively quiet. Which always drives me crazy. It's the silence that scares me more then anything. Their silence. I don't know what they have planned. If they are hiding and lurking about. I'm paranoid I guess. But, I am always looking around, questioning weird out of the ordinary things. Like why is that blue truck following me? Or was it following me? Why does this guy keep looking at me? Who keeps driving past my house? Seriously, these things run through my head. All. The. Time.

After moving to Ga, I've been less paranoid. But any odd car that does drive slow past our house, I tend to silently freak out. Like a week or two after we moved in, a man drove down our street, stopped in front of our house, got out of his truck and took a picture. I saw him from my bedroom window. What the crap was that? Did they find out I moved? Did they want to see where I was living? How I was living? Again, freaked me out. That same fear from living in Alabama followed me right to Ga. Crap, how did they know I moved? And, who was the guy in the truck taking a picture of our new house?

Come to find out, it was just the insurance adjuster taking a picture for our insurance. But see, that is how I live. This is why I left Dundee when I did way back in 2000. I feared for my life. I honestly didn't trust them. They are the type of family that would hire a hitman and not think twice about it. I am not joking! And this is where my kids are growing up. This is the type of men they are raising my children to be. Very sad!

A few months ago, we had, what I thought was a breakthrough with my oldest son. I created a facebook page titled 4 ever their mom. On it I was going to share my thoughts about my life without my kids. The struggles, the sadness...the pain I feel sometimes not being able to raise my kids. I wanted to share past memories with the hopes that it would reach them. It did exactly what I wanted it to do. But as far as I know, only my oldest has looked at it. He made a few comments on it stating that “it's stupid” told me that I do it just so people would feel sorry for me. But that is not why I did it. I did it just to get what I wanted it to do...and it worked. He looked, and still looks to this day. But he hasn't made a comment since September. That's when it all actually began. But it didn't last long at all. Just a few comments and then he was done. So I made it even more tempting for him. I posted old pictures on it from the life we had. The memories, the good times...the happy times. I wanted it to get at him. I wanted it to be so irresistible it killed him not to look to see what I posted next. I wanted it to tear at his heart strings. Did it? I may never know.

His comments, I'd like to think was his way of reaching out. I think that at that time he wanted to tell me something. He wanted to talk. I think he just didn't know how or where to begin. Or someone was interfering with his decision to call me. Or all of the above. But deep down I knew he needed to tell me something. He wanted to talk. I just wish he would have.

That same month, in September, I was trying to settle in our new home. Painting, unpacking and getting things nestled away in the proper places. His comments on 4 ever their mom gave me hope and motivation. I sent him a nice email inviting him to Thanksgiving at our house. All expenses paid. I wanted him home. I was hopeful! No response. But that didn't break me. I just knew he was waiting for that perfect moment to call. I was hoping it would have been soon. I was waiting for something that never happened.

During this time, I learned that he joined the Marine Corp. He enlisted in August, around the 4th or so.
It is amazing when you just google search something, you find out a ton of things. It doesn't hurt that I know a few people up their neck of the woods either! I get by with a little help from my friends...isn't that the way the song goes? Anyway, when I first heard of the news, I cried. It was a roller coaster of emotions. I didn't know what to think. It took me a while, then I knew this was the best thing for him. He was getting out of the cult he was trapped in. This was a good thing! A great thing! I instantly felt proud. I needed to know back to the research lab I went. Trying to find out as much information as I could. (thanks to another friend) I found out who his recruiter was/is, and found out he would be going to boot camp in April 2012 in San Diego. I never spoke to the recruiter ….all was found out on the WWW! Gotta love it! They probably scratch their heads in wonder. You can't hide everything.

At the moment I let the sadness leave me, I allowed the joy and happiness in. I was a proud mom. Although he didn't know it. But I was. I was the mother of a military son. Never knew how something like that would feel. Was I suppose to feel happy about the fact that he followed in his dads footsteps?
I wrinkle my nose at the thought sometimes, that “yea, he followed in his dads footsteps!” But hopefully he won't make the same mistakes that his dad did while serving our country. Maybe he didn't tell him that when he joined in 1992, he went in as a Private First Class but 4 years later was discharged as a Private. He just couldn't keep his pants on. Literally! Hopefully he told his son all the right things to do. Not what he did. He basically pissed 4 years of a military career away for one night with a women who cried rape. To this day I wish I hadn't tried to save his butt from serving time in the brigg. If I had, I wouldn't being sharing this with you now. I'd have my sons...

Even though, deep down I am so proud of him (my son) I am also very scared for him too. I remember the toll it took on his dad during boot camp. I remember the person who left and the person he came back to be.
Being in the service changes a person. For his dad, it didn't do him any good, obviously. But for this new recruit, I hope it changes his life for the better.

Most recently, I learned that his leave for boot camp was changed to January 17th. I don't know why it changed, it just did. ( I bet they are trying to figure out who or how I am getting this information, and I hope it's driving them crazy!)

Anyway, in November, he turned 19. A Happy Birthday text was sent. And a few texts back and forth...but nothing to get to excited about. One morning, a few weeks ago my sister called me. Told me that HE tried to call her. She missed the call but immediately called him back. When he picked up the phone he just said “bla bla bla bla bla!” and hung up. I sent him a text....reminding him he called not her...and when answering the phone it's polite to say hello....not bla bla bla bla! He texted back saying he never called....etc. After that encounter that's all we heard from him. That was in the beginning of December.

A week before Christmas, I sent him a text, telling him I will be in Kankakee over the Christmas Holiday and I would love for him to come down and visit. I said there is family that would also like to see you and I would love to meet your girlfriend. I ended the text love you-mom.
He texted back ...Angela? I said no, love mom...Angela is your mom.

This was the last text conversation we had.

Christmas came and went. I was in Chicago only 100 miles or less from them and I can't even see them. I wasn't going to bother him again ….and I didn't. He knew where I was and how to reach me. I left the ball in his court.

December 29th at about 930 in the am...I got a call from an 847 area code. It was a Detective with the Kane County Sheriff department....said that my son filed a complaint and that I was in violation of a court ordered Order of Protection. I explained to the detective that I have never been served with this extended order...(which expires in 2075) and that I only knew of the one from 2009 and that expired Jan 29 at midnight 2011. She went on to say she is looking at it in front of her. I told her that OP's don't get extended for longer periods then 2 years...she said this is what it says. I told her that he's 19 and he's an adult in Illinois...she said it didn't matter and that he was still under the old one as long as his name was on it and he didn't remove it. I have to say she was friendly. I told her I don't have the order...and as far as it was concerned the old one expired. She was going to find out why I didn't get served and get back with me.

After about 3 hours, she did. I was right, I was never served with the “extended OP” which expires in 2075. Are you kidding me? I will be dead. Boy, those people are relentless. They don't want those boys to ever reconcile with me....ever! They want to dictate what they boys do until they are in their 80's really? I will be 102 if not dead. That is just insult to's stupid! After a certain age those kids should be able to make a decision on their own. You mean to tell me that even after “the parent's” are dead...the kids still can't talk to me? You guys are ignorant....very ignorant! Your a cult...controlling the life of 4 people. No wonder he joined the Marine Corp. It's probably a better environment then in the home he lives in. And from what I've seen...and things I know...crawling through a muddy swamp is cleaner then the trash whole you live in. Get out while you can....all of you!

…...Excuse me, I needed to vent!

The nice detective told me that I would be getting served with in the next week or so. GREAT! But if I needed to ask her any questions, just to feel free to call her. Really? Should I ask her out for lunch too. Sorry lady...your not who I want to talk too!

So I will wait until I get the latest OP delivered into my hands before I decide what to do. I most certainly don't want this weighing me down for 63 years......and I don't want that to be a road block between me and my kids for the next 63 years.... That's crazy! But I know for a fact that if I do have it dismissed...they will file another one for another two years. ….They won't stop!

2075...makes me laugh! Makes me realize how stupid and ignorant those people really are. Their cult makes all the other cults, look like a Sandles getaway!