Friday, October 15, 2010

A mom no more........

I drove 9 hours alone on August 13 to face what I had feared for years. What I told the judge would happen if he was awarded sole custody of our boys. But no one listened. No one cared. I could have said those words til I was blue in the face, no one cared, no one listened.

As I pulled into Kankakee, I was hoping that I wouldn't have to go any further then that town. I didn't want to go to Elgin, I couldn't. I wouldn't allow myself too. So I walked up to the doors, took a big breath and walked in. I went through the detectors just fine....I may not have if I went to the Elgin courthouse.....I went up the wide staircase, and asked where the clerks office was. No one knew what I was there for, no one asked questions. But I heart was racing a millions miles a minute...I saw people come and go from the courtrooms, I watched moms with their kids, holding hands wondering what they were there for. I watched a man come through the hallway with handcuffs on. I wondered if he was a dead beat dad, who didn't pay his child support. I wondered if he was paying and doing the best he could do to get by, but had a wife that alienated him from his kids...what was his story?

Did anyone have the same story as I had? Was I the only one in the world that this has happened too? Why? How?

“Mrs. Kadow,” the lady from behind the counter said, “what can I do to help you?” “I am hear to have these papers signed, and I need to have a county clerk sign them or a judge.” She said “what are they for?” I said “they are papers to relinquish my rights.” She took them from me and walked to the office in the back. I sat back down to wait. A few seconds later she showed me took me to the back office where the county clerk was. She said “have a seat and she will be right in.” I said “ok thank you.” While I waited, I looked around in her room. She had awards on her wall, honors of some sort.
She had a library of books. Law books. I thought to myself, in one of those books holds the words I need right now to stop this from happening. Which book was it? How do I find what I am looking for? Can I tell this lady what was going on, what this suppose to happen?
She walked in, holding the papers in her hand. She said to me “why are you doing this?” “Have you been blackmailed?” I wanted to say, “well now that you mention it.....” but instead I just said, with a roll of the eyes, and a shake of my head, “no mam, I am not being blackmailed.” To myself I asked, “am I being blackmailed?” I wondered! Then she asked me again, “why are you doing this?” You don't seem the “type” to just give up her rights, that's why I asked you if you were being blackmailed in to this?
I started to explain it to her the best I knew how in the short amount of time we had. She went on to explain to me the consequences of signing the papers.....I knew it, I knew everything she was saying, and I was not in the mood, nor did I want to hear it again. I just knew. She was only doing her job.
After she signed and sealed it with the stamp of authenticity, it was my turn. This was it.....was I sure I wanted to go through with this???? I had no choices. I was out of was 3:35 on August 13, 2008 that I terminated the rights to my kids and turned them over to T. When I was signing the papers, my mind was like a slide show of memories running through my head....the birth of my sons, the first walk, first tooth, first word....smiles, laughter....please stop me from doing this......I see them cry the tears, I see T telling them what I have done. I see T telling them that they won't be able to see me until they turn 18...I see it all. I hear it all...This wasn't real, this wasn't happening. It was a bad dream, it was a nightmare. Please God if you can hear me, now would be good to take this pain from me...take this away, make it stop. God......where are you? You are suppose to answer me when I I doing what is right????

But it was too late....the papers were signed, sealed and being faxed to my attorney as I sat there in shock. I was without words...I was numb. But I also had a sense of freedom. Like a weight had been lifted off me. The weight of the last 8 years was gone. Was this right? Why did I have this feeling? Why did I feel this way? What's wrong with me, I just terminated my rights to my kids, and I was feeling.....relaxed and burden free! It was all gone. Inside I felt horrible, I felt sad, depleted, guilty and afraid. I didn't feel like living anymore. For what? Why? I had given up the most important things to me on this earth. God's gift's to me and I just handed them over to Satan himself. What have I done?

Even though I left that courthouse that afternoon with a sigh of relief, my heart couldn't stop feeling like it just had been ripped out of my chest. But as I got in my car, I took another deep breath laid my head on the steering wheel, and let loose, I let it all go, and gave it all to God. He was now going to protect my kids, keep them safe and remind them in his own way that I love them. He, in his own way will remind them that they have a mom that loves them more then anything in this world.“she saved all of you from being put in the middle of the battle. I know it might not make much sense to you right now, but you will understand why she had do let you go.”

I was raised to believe God will not give you what you can't at that time, in my car, after it was all said and done...I was ready to let God take it from here. It was not longer in my hands. Even though I was still angry with God, I knew that it wasn't his fault. He had a purpose, he has a plan for me. For my kids. I like to look at it this way, God knows something I don't. He is all knowing. With that I like to believe that maybe he is preparing me for something greater. Maybe he knew something terrible was going to happen and knew this was the only way out for me. I believe that, I have to believe that, I need to believe that.

It wasn't easy for me to sign those papers. I live with the regret every single day. What if I hired one more attorney, one more chance to be heard. One more opportunity for my kids to be heard....but it didn't matter. I had tried it all. I had hired the attorney's that I thought were there to help me. But they were not. They all work together to help themselves. T's attorney didn't work for T, he worked for his money. For his parents money. He wouldn't have been able to keep this going if it wasn't for the deep pockets of his parents. His attorney knew this and took advantage of T.

I felt comfort in knowing God was now in control. I was hoping for a call from my attorney saying that T had a change of heart. But I never got such a call. What makes me think that he was going to have a change of heart? He didn't have a heart to change. He was Satan as far as I was concerned, no he was the spawn of Satan. I didn't like T at that moment. I didn't like myself either. But I had to move on....I wasn't going to let him continue to control my life from that day forward. Even though I was sooo angry with God....I aloud him to take my kids. T will someday have to face God, and be punished for his wrong doing. For his lies and evil ways. He will pay. But I am free from that. But oh what a day that will be.

I left the courthouse that day and went straight to my mother-in-laws house. She was the first person I saw after I signed the papers. She knew what I was there to do, and it made her sad too. She loved them as if they were her own grandchildren. She also knew my pain, felt my heartbreak.
I don't think she knew what to say to me. But she did say, “God only knows Ang, what lies ahead. The truth will come out and you will be reunited with your boys. You will be OK and so will they.” That's all she needed to say. It was simple, I would be OK! She was right, I would eventually be OK. I was capable of bouncing back, even with a broken heart, I will go on. But how will the boys feel? Will they bounce back? What lasting impact will this have on them? Will this forever ruin relationships for them? Will they be able to trust again? Will they be able to forgive me? Trust me?

I like to think again, that I will one day be reunited with my boys, and it will be like nothing ever happened. We will just pick up were we left off. Will it be that simple?

The next morning I left Kankakee, with a broken heart. I left my life behind in Illinois, and gave up the kids I gave birth too. It wasn't easy. But I said good-bye to all the good times, and the memories and hit the road and didn't want to look back. I was on a new mission now, I wanted my story heard. I needed to share it with the world...I wanted to to it for my kids.

….......But my nightmare wasn't over just yet, I was not going to be get away from the harrassment.
They were not finished torturing was just beginning.

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