Monday, October 4, 2010

The end and the beginning....

The end and the beginning......

After we came back from lunch the judge made her decision/ruling. I guess she needed to take that time to really think about who's lives she was about to destroy.
It went something like this:Well after she ran her mouth for about an hour, trying to clarify things, it went like this:
The court finds that T and Angela are now divorced....she shall be entitled to change her name back to her maiden name to Metcalf.
The defendants were married on June 13, 1992, 4 children were produced out of this marriage,
Cody, Brandon, Austin and Dalton, all of which are the minor children of the parties.
After taking some time to look over, and after hearing the testimony, the parties were very young when they got married, ramble, ramble, ramble.......they seemed to have had several issues regarding commitment issues.
She went on to say to me directly, “that she just doesn't see how she can grant joint custody to the both us when neither one of us can work together. “Mam,” she says, “this isn't a two way street, it can't always go your way.” And from what I have heard, the testimony from your uncle, his mother, and Mr. T himself, you are a very controlling type of personality, and with his personality, the two just don't fit well together. He backs down when you start to intimidate him...he feels like he has no choice but to back down. I just don't see the both of you working well if I was to grant joint custody.”
Furthermore, I feel that you living with your boyfriend, whom you met over the internet, that just doesn't send a message of stability. I admire that you are starting to attend classes, and that you want to further your education, but I just don't think that, from the testimony I have heard, that you can provide that stability for your children. I do understand that with T's mom helping him, has been a great part of his ability to provide and parent his children, and to her I thank you, it's not easy......”
At this time I was feeling so sick to my stomach, I wanted to throw up. How did she get that I don't have stability, just because I live with my boyfriend. Have you seen where we live? Have you been to our home? Have you looked at T's house, and where my kids actually have to sleep at night? She made it sound like I was the slum of the earth, how dare I have a boyfriend, and live with him.
Give me a break! How many kids are living with a single parent that has a new guy every night in their home? Our house was nice, clean and a loving, safe environment. He lived in a dog kennel of a house. Run down, old farm house that was like 1000 years old. Really? The boys always said they hated that house. That it was to small. Little did they know, it was about to get even smaller.

After she was all finished painting this glorious picture of the “father of the year” she did let him know that he didn't make some right decisions either. A few months back, Brandon, being the little boy he is, fell off the monkey bars and broke his arm. T waited until the day before I was to pick them up for our visit to tell me. When he did, I went ballistic. This was my baby, and he broke his arm and I couldn't help him or be with him? I was so mad!
But all the judge said to him was “let her get ballistic, she's the mom, her kid got hurt, just suck it up and call her, don't wait 2 weeks to tell her that her child has a broken arm.”

So she granted T sole custody of the boys, just based off, not what my uncle said or didn't say, just the fact that he was there made her believe that I had done something so wrong, that even my own family member would testify against me. Just him being there alone was enough for her. That he didn't even plead the 5th is what did it. The teachers that made me look bad when I yelled about them not letting me see my kids. His mother of course, painting this perfect picture of her innocent son being trapped by me, into a marriage and a life that he really didn't want. Bull crap!!! It's what she wanted all along.
Then T himself, testifying that he has had to struggle with being a single dad for the last 2 years and how hard he has worked to provide a great home for them. “Really, jerk you live like scum, and your proud of that?” “Give me a break. Your the biggest wuss I have ever met. If your mom wasn't in the court room with you at each hearing to hold you close to her tit for your support, you would have stepped behind your attorney to hide. But your mom gave you the “temporary backbone” that you never had and will never have.” I so badly wanted to yell that in the court room that day, but I couldn't I was frozen. Besides, it probably wouldn't have been a great idea at the moment.

The judge also laid out a better visitation schedule for the holidays, since T still didn't understand how to follow it correctly. I had asked for the baby books, clothes the boys came home from the hospital in, and she denied that request, stating that “all that stuff will remain with the children.”
Really, they need their own baby books? I asked for T to provide me with copies of Ins cards, since he was going to be providing that for them, I thought it would be safe if I had a copy just in case of an emergency. She denied that, stating that T had a trust issue with providing me with that information.
“Hello, it's just insurance cards, what's to trust or not trust?”
I wanted to pick up my kids from school on Friday's and she denied that request. Anything that I requested, she denied. He won, and I lost. And my kids lost. I put up a good fight, and tried to give both of us the opportunity to parent our children together. But all my efforts didn't pay off.
I blame it all on my uncle, I blame the judicial system. I blame the courts. To them, it's all about the win and who is going to pay me the most money to continue the fight. I blame T and his mom for destroying the lives of my kids. They thought they were just hurting me, but they were really hurting my kids. The ones who didn't have a voice or a choice.
I was also ordered to pay for $1000.00 of his attorney's fees. I didn't hire an attorney because I couldn't afford one, and now I was having to pay $1000.00 to his for making my life a living hell?

Although she granted the divorce that May of 2002, it didn't become final until August of 2002. All the paperwork and crap that is involved. I think it's just another way for attorney's to get rich. I hate them all!

It amazes me to this day how many people that I talk to who have been divorced, and have had to deal with the same issues that I did. I am sad. Why is is aloud to happen? Why are so many children being victimized, mentally and physically just because one parent has to be out for blood? I may never know the answer to that.

I was thankful when August 22 came around. I was finally free from the mess of preparing for trials, and living on the edge of my seat. Well, to some extent. It didn't seem to take very long for that to wear off. During the course of the year, it was confirmed that T was dating that girl that I spotted that day I dropped off the kids early.
Anyway, it didn't take long for them to make it official. I believe that she moved in with T and the boys right before Christmas of that year. (2002)

In November 2002, it was my year to have the kids for Thanksgiving, since the last time I had them was in 2000. That's just the general rule, with a holiday schedule anyway. Well, since it seems as if T once again couldn't comprehend that concept, he decided to avoid all my phone calls regarding Thanksgiving. That year, I was invited to spend Thanksgiving with my family in Elgin. We were meeting at the church that we all went to since I was a baby. I refer to it as “The Elgin Church.”
Anyway, I was very hesitant to go. I felt out of place, blacklisted, uncomfortable, and uneasy. Before that day arrived, I called my aunt, the one I stayed with for that month while I was waiting for the birth of Cody, and T's arrival from boot camp. I called her and expressed my concern, and my fears. She assured me that everything would be alright. That everyone knew I was coming, or at least being invited. Remember, this would be the first time I would face my uncle since the trail. It was going to be uncomfortable.
Thanksgiving Day arrived, and I drove to Elgin. I wasn't exactly excited about this day, after all, I hadn't seen or spoke to most of them in 2 years. It was also a sad day, I was suppose to have the kids for Thanksgiving this year, and I was being denied that right. But what could I do?
I arrived at the church, and was welcomed with hugs, and smugs. didn't hug my uncle, I think we just said hi. But he didn't take anytime to ask “where are the boys?” I said, “I was suppose to have them this year, but T's not allowing me too.” With that I walked away. I think he got my point.

The day went fairly well. I brought a few pictures albums from my life for the past 2 years. Pictures with Brian and the kids. Pictures of all the fun things we have done with the kids. The life that I am providing for them. The home we live in. I was really trying to make a point, and I think it got across.
I think! I did feel uncomfortable for the most part during the day. How did it come to that? This was a family that I had relied on all of my life. I looked up to my aunt and uncle, my cousins. I adored them, and thought so highly of them as a kid. It was always such a treat to be with them, to spend the weekend with them. It was a nice, peaceful getaway for me as a kid. They were the family that you always wanted to be around. And now, sitting with them at Thanksgiving dinner, I was estranged, I didn't belong. I didn't fit in.
After it was all said and done, I went, I faced the enemy in the eye, and I made sure that I left them that day with a smile. I was happy with my new life. I had come along way from that alcoholic and drug addict that I was thought to have been. I had made a new life for myself, and I wasn't going to let them or anyone change that.

Christmas and New Years 2002 came and went. I did get the kids for my regular Christmas schedule.
I took them to may parents for the holidays. I was looking forward to a new year and a fresh start. 2002 was a hard year. I had so many things going on, I didn't have time to stop and smell the roses. I captured memories of my kids on film. Watching them grow, and change. Time goes quickly when you have to savor each moment. It's sad, although I had visitation with my kids, I have watched them grow up in my memories. My photo albums are filled with little boys that smile. They have such great spirits about them. They love to laugh and have fun. They love to be noticed, praised and appreciated. They loved to have hugs. And I was always there for them, well, there when I was scheduled to be there.
I had to get in as much “mom” time as I could. I always looked forward to our weekends together.

It was my time. My time to actually be a mom. I was a weekend mom. The visiting mom. I was the noncustodial parent, and T made sure that I lived by that title. He would make my life a living hell in the years to come. Although it was the end of our “marriage” legally, it was just the beginning of the pure hell he was going to put me through.


  1. thanks for sharing your story. it makes me want to cry. we have had the same experiences with the court systems.

  2. I sm trying to read every bit of your story a little at a time. My daughter's is a bit different, but I have to chuckle about the AP not wanting to provide the insurance card. Not only did my daughter's ex not provide the card, he wouldn't even make a copy for her. Then, if trips to the doctor or emergency room were necessary, he would not even take them!!! Once when he had custody, she had to meet her daughter (16, with a car) at the emergency room when her dad would not go with her. Another time, the younger daughter broke a needle off in her foot. While at her father's it got all swollen and infected, yet he would not take her to the ER. It was his weekend, so on Sunday night when she came hobbling home her mom had to take her to the ER. Outpatient surgery had to be done to remove the needle and stop the infection. Sorry, just going on and on, just wanted to share!