Thursday, October 7, 2010

Growing up...

After T's attempt to have the boys questioned by the judge, and his temper tantrum storming out of the courthouse that day, he seemed to have settled down. His attorney did file a motion to have all the decisions reversed, but the judge stood by his decision and dismissed all his requests. Except for the child support which he did change. Which made me mad. Money was the only thing on his mind. How much more could he take from me? My attorney said that she would make sure that what I got was fair, and she did. But she didn't fight hard enough when it cam to the money part. T didn't have to meet me ½ way, I was still responsible for all the transportation to and from, and now they were going to be taking more money from me. But, this was all part of the plan. To break me. They knew legally they couldn't touch Brian's checks, so they were going to rake me over the coals when it came to money.
Eventually, this would send me over the edge. It was done intentionally. T couldn't hurt me any other way. He already tried the abuse card, hiding the kids card, not allowing me to pick them up early card..he had tried everything, and failed. But he was slowly working on another plan to destroy me.

The next few years, T wouldn't bother me much as far as court issues go. After he was happy with the decision about more money, he left things alone. He still never let me deviate from the court ordered visitation schedule as far as allowing me extra time with the kids, or switching weekends. But he never hesitated to ask me to switch.
They boys were getting much older now. They were able to see things that were going on behind the scenes. T still tried to “brain wash” them, and asked them to “spy” on me and take notes while at my house. Cody would hide his cell phone from me and call T when they were at my house, which again, was all T's idea. They were asked to report any new activity that may have happened at my house since the last visit. When I got a new car, that was a huge deal when it came to asking for more money. He thought that since I can afford a car, I can afford to pay more in child support. Well, that's just how his thought process worked. When Brian bought our house, they thought the same thing. Well, I knew that T would try and take the car and the house in some way or another, so my name wasn't attached to either one, the car or the house. Therefore, he couldn't try and get a lean on the house for whatever reason. I'm sure there was some sort of legal way he could, and I knew this and never signed my name to nothing. It was all Brian's. I was asked by the judge why isn't my name on anything, and I was up front and honest, I said “because I don't want him (T) to try and take that from us.” The judge said, “smart move.” I thought so too.

I found a note one time in the boys room, written in Cody's hand writing, that said I got onto Dalton for smarting off to me, and made him stay in the house for an hour. Just minor things. Things that wouldn't amount to anything. I was not even aloud to have Cody's cell phone number. He was told by T not to give it to me. Not to even let me know he had one, which is wrong. What kind of message was he sending the boys? It made me so mad. I know that they told Cody that if you give the number to your mom, she will call you all the time and never leave you alone. Really? Like I'm going to stalk my own son, give me a break. More then likely what T told Cody was, if you give your mom your cell number we will take it from you. And what teenager wants to have his cell phone taken away? So he obeyed.
They made Cody hide it from me while at my house, so they can take pictures and send them to T, and so the kids can call while they are with me. I wouldn't let the kids call T when they were with me, on weekends or for summer visitation. For two reasons, one, T never let them call me when we were in between visits. For two, it was stated in the court papers that my time was to be “uninterrupted,” that meant don't bother me while I have my kids. But, being able to control the cell phone communication is what T wanted. It's sad really.

It had always bothered me, and still does to this day, that a judge, and attorney and a father would allow for such malice behavior. All the talk about “the best interest of the kids, “ is all bull crap. Not a single one of them give a rats ass about the “best interest” of those kids. My kids. It was all about revenge for T, money for his attorney, and another win under his belt, and a confident decision by an incompetent judge.
The judicial system his blind to the abuse, and the pure hatred and revenge that one parent has towards the other. If there was one decent judge on the stand, maybe there would be less families torn apart by deceitful parents and attorney's. Although T may not have had the brains to come up with all the malicious, hateful things that they did to me and the kids, but his attorney was smart, tricky and crafty in the way he drew the picture for T. His attorney knew that T wasn't a the “father of the year” but he sure knew his parents pocket books were full, and that's all he saw. He knew that as long as he kept T up on his high horse, T's parents would keep forking out the money. His mother hated me from day one. She wanted nothing but to destroy me and make me pay for destroying her sons life, his big football carrier they dreamed for him. After all that T had done during our marriage, I was going to pay for it someway, somehow. But he was running out of ways to make that happen, so he laid low for the next 2 years, all was quiet.

I knew that as the boys got older they would be able to understand things a little clearer. We had those talks about why dad and I got divorced. I would explain to them, that we just wouldn't have worked. I'm happy, and he's happy, I would assume. I told the boys, wouldn't you rather have us happy separated, then unhappy together? I know that it's hard to understand, but someday you will. Am I happy that I only get to see you guys every other weekend, absolutely not. Am I happy that I have to live by a visitation schedule and be told no when I want to spend more time with you guys, absolutely not. But it is what it is, and I can't change that. I have tried.
In February of 2005, the boys met a friend in our subdivision who would be a common fixture in our home the weekends the kids were with me. He was a great kid. He was younger the Cody, but a bit older then Brandon. The boys were really into skateboarding at the time, so when Tony came into our lives, he fit right in with them. With Tony, my kids were free to run back and forth to and from our house to Tony's. When Cody first walked into Tony's grandparents house, he knew that I would just fall in love with this house. Sure enough, when I went down to introduce myself, I fell in love with the house. Marble counter tops, deep cherry cabinets, tile floors huge paintings. It was a very nice house. It made me feel good that Cody knew that I would appreciate the glamor of this home, the style, and the decor. He knew what I liked, he paid attention to my interests, which made me feel good. I will never forget his face when he was explaining to me what the house looked like before I even saw it. I remember his face when I saw it for the first time, and the smile and excitement on his face his words I will always here, “see mom I told you, you would like it.” He was right, I did. But the house meant nothing to me, as much as his knowing that I would like it. For some parents that's not a big deal, but it was a big deal for me.

He would express the same excitement when he got his first girlfriend at school. He said “mom, you will like her, she reminds me a lot of you. She likes shoes, and purses, and loves to shop, just like you.” What mother doesn't like to here, that the girl that her son likes, is just like his mom? Cody was growing up, he was noticing what his mom liked and disliked. He noticed my sense of style, and appreciation for clothes, shoes and a nice handbag. He was perfect boyfriend material. I raised him well. Cody was also sensitive. He was very attentive and loving. He only gave me a hard time once, in his teen years, and I did have to discipline him, which I hated. But, after he saw that I wasn't going to tolerate his mouth, and bad attitude, he straightened up. I never had to do it again. I miss him. His smile, his sense of humor. I miss the way his hair fell into his eyes, when he looked at me. I miss watching him grow up to a young adult. Watching him take his first date to homecoming, dressed up in a tux for prom. Watching as he got his drivers license or his first job. I was robbed off all of those milestones, those right's of passage. I looked so forward to sharing those times with my sons. Now, all of that has been taken away from me.

I would only witness the hurt, sadness and anger from Cody one time during his teen years, it is a moment that I will forever be scared with in my heart and my mind. This was the first time I heard the rage in his voice inflicted from the pain that his father puts them through on a regular basis.
It was a Sunday in April of 2006. I had emailed T about allowing me to keep the kids until 6pm and I would drop them off by 8 on that Sunday night. Tony was having a birthday party and it wasn't going to start until 4pm. (the time I normally left to take the kids back to their dads.) Anyway, T never would reply back. Eventually, I would receive an email from his secretary stating that T was out of town and she didn't feel comfortable making the decision to allow for the extension in my time. I explained to her the reason for my request and that it would be in the best interest of the kids if they would be aloud to attend the birthday party of their friend Tony. Well, without T's approval, she didn't want to make the call. So I let it go. Saturday, while I was at the soccer games, I approached her and again, expressed the desire to allow for the extension and for her to make the call on whether or not the kids boys could stay. I told her, that legally she is not authorized to make that decision, and that since I was the other parent then It would be my call. So I told her that the boys will attend the party and will be home at 8 pm on Sunday night. Well, she didn't like that at all, she immediately contacted T, who them in turn called me on Sunday while we were out, and left a message. Good, I wanted the boys to hear it. When we got home, we played the message, it was from T, he said “ the boys need to be home at the court ordered time of 6pm, it is a school night. If they are not home at 6pm I will file a report and press charges.”

When the boys heard this, they were so disappointed. Cody wanted to call T, so I let him. Apparently, his call didn't help change T's mind, because when Cody hung up the phone, he stormed out of the house screaming 'I hate this, I hate this, dad never lets us do anything!” He ran out of the house and onto his bike and off he went. I felt horrible for him. But deep down inside, I was happy that it happened, now they saw how hard I would try, and how frustrating it was to be told no all the time.
What T did wasn't fair at all to the boys. He's aloud for them to stay out late on a school night with his family, but because it meant extra time with me, he didn't like it and played the “I'm in control” card and told the boy's no. It was awful. At that moment, I think the kids realized that T wasn't being fair, and that all my attempts to extend my time with the kids, was proving to be true to them.

I encouraged Cody to talk to his dad about how he made them feel, and how when he tells them they can't stay an extra 2 hours with mom isn't a big deal. That is was their decision, and that he didn't let them choose to stay or not to stay mad them all mad. But Cody said, it wouldn't do any good to talk to dad, because he doesn't care. All he cares about is what that stupid court order says. Cody expressed to me that he hates having to follow a court order, and dad always says the court order, the court order. I hate it! It was an emotional breakthrough for him and for me. It opened up my eyes and his to how T was actually dealing with the issues. He didn't have the kids interests at heart. He didn't care if if hurt his kids. He just wanted to be ruled by a piece of paper and not follow what his kids interests were.
For that, he's an evil man. For that he's a horrible father, and not worthy of being granted sole custody of any child. His own anger, hatred and revenge got in his way of what was best for the kids. Not allowing me to have 2 extra hours with my children, or the boys have 2 extra hours to enjoy a birthday party, was selfish. He thought by doing that he was hurting me. But it turns out, he hurt his kids instead. I hurt for them. I wanted to change it all and make it right, but I had no control of it.
Yes, I thought about just keeping them, but what would that have done to me? Probably caused me to loose visitation for violating the order, in turn loosing time with my kids, and costing me and Brian more money. I would have lost all the way around. And like always, he would walk away with the “father of year” award. Like always, I would be wrong for wanting to spend extra time with my kids, and I would be the bad one, again!

He was hoping that I would drop them off at 8. He was hoping that he would have me by the balls, if you will, if I violated that order. But he didn't. I took them home, and they missed Tony's party. It was just another day in the life of us being controlled and manipulated by T.

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