Friday, October 8, 2010

There will always be one........

There will always be one.....

Last night I received a very nasty email from a former FB friend. Notice I said former. She said some very hurtful, mean and flat out derogatory things about me, and the way I portray myself on my blog. She said that I was selfish, and materialistic. I was appalled at her for insinuating that I am selfish. I was told that the judgment I received was warranted. I understand there is always one person who is going to bash me and believe that I didn't do all I could for my kids. But what she wasn't understanding, or what she failed to realize is that throughout my entire story I have never said I didn't make mistakes or bad choices. I never refused to see my kids or provide for them I thought I was making myself perfectly clear about my desires to see my kids, fight for more time and receive a fare chance at being a parent. Apparently she didn't see that. So, where did she misunderstand my motives, and think that my desires were selfish? Where does anyone see selfishness?

I never said I didn't want my son to play the flute, or wasn't going to provide the means for him to play it. I merely said that I laid an offer on the table to his father that would save us both money, and he could use the one my mom had for FREE. That's common sense. The judge said take it or leave, he chose to leave it. So he was left with the responsibility to pay for it on his own. Out of my hands. My son played it for less then a year.

I also never refused to make the drive to pick up my kids. I drove an hour and ½ every other weekend to see my kids. I merely suggested to my attorney that I would like for him to meet me ½ way. When I was denied that request, I still went on with my life and the court order and picked up my kids. I did that for 8 years. When I requested to have more time with my kids, and was given the opportunity to pick them up from school, I did it. All I wanted was just more time with my kids. The opportunity to be with them, watch them grow and enjoy them, support them and be a mom. Build a relationship with them. But I wasn't given any more time with them then what was court ordered. He didn't have to be so mean and hateful, he could have always put the kids best interests ahead of his, but he didn't. But I am the selfish one. I drove an hour and ½ to attend soccer games, holiday parties at school and graduations, when I knew I wasn't going to take my kids back with me. Then drive back the next day just to pick them up for our visitation. I didn't have to do it. I didn't have to make all the trips for the extra curricular activities, but I did. I did it because I wanted to see my kids. I didn't complain about it. I wanted to be an active parent in their lives, but he wouldn't let me. But, I am being selfish.

On the little bit of money that I was left with after child support was taken out, I still made every scheduled visitation with my kids. Even if I had to use change to put gas in my car. I always made a way. Their father, on the other hand, would have been just fine if I wouldn't have made the effort, it would have made his job a little easier.

I understand that some will see it from another view. Yes, there is always two sides to every story. I am aloud to sound selfish, I was a mom, I wanted to see my kids. I wanted fairness and what was right for all of them. But their father didn't see that. There will always be that person who thinks that my motives were selfish, and all I was focused on was myself, me, me, me. But those same people, don't know until his hits them in the heart. When they face the loss of a child, when they are faced with accusations when they know are false. There is going to be that one who is on the receiving end of this as well. They were the ones that had to struggle with a father who didn't want to be a part of their child's life. They had to work 3 jobs just to make ends meat. They had to support a child on their own without any help. I feel for those people. But, to compare me to those dead beat fathers is wrong. To even place me in a category with them is heart breaking. Those parents that don't want to take responsibility for their kids, or be a part of their lives they are loosing out. I agree, if you have them support them. It the right thing to do. 100% agree with that. But I also see if from my point of view. Say you are doing the best you can, paying child support, making every soccer game, band concert, school activity, and exercising your court ordered visitation, but the custodial parent denies you that right. Denies you that time, denies the kids of that right too. It goes both ways.

I can see where someone might agree with the judgment, and you are entitled to your opinion. As am I. But to assume that all my efforts were selfish, saddens me. My priorities were my kids. I made it a priority.

I ALWAYS wanted to be a part of my childrens lives. I always wanted to make sure they were cared for, loved and their needs met. I never refused to pay child support, I never refused to go the extra mile. But, when I wanted to go that extra mile I was denied that right. I was never aloud to take that extra mile, NEVER!!!

No parent goes into a relationship thinking that one day those kids are going to be taken from you. Even in a divorce, most parents make an effort to be a part of their child's life. Both parents need to have the same agenda, what's best for the kids. They need to put aside their bitterness, anger and hatred and focus what's in the best interest of the kids. But I didn't get a cooperative x who was willing to go the extra mile for his kids, and encourage a relationship with me. He tried to destroy it every chance he got. He didn't love them, he loved the game of using them as pawns in a war with me. He didn't love them or have there best interest at heart, if he did, I will still have a relationship with my kids. He didn't love them, if he did, he wouldn't have ripped them away from their mother, their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and extended family members.

So go ahead and point your finger, because for every finger you have pointed at me, there are 10, 000 more pointed back in your direction. I don't need to stand in judgment of anyone who can't step back and see it from my perspective, see if from my kids eyes. I don't need need to know that people in glass housed shouldn't throw stones. I am unbreakable. You an say what you want about me, but I will be damned if I let you bash me and say that I was selfish for making every effort to be a parent.

So go ahead and point the fingers, whisper behind my back, don't believe me, I don't care. Think that I am selfish and materialistic, your not hurting me. You are only placing a harsher judgment upon yourself, and showing your own children to be just like you.

I will close with this.
There is a story in the Bible about two mothers. One is the biological mother and the other is not. These women continued to fight over this child, both claiming to be the child's mother. They took their complaint before the judge for him to decide. He told the women, since neither of you can decide who the child belongs too, I will cut the child in ½ so both of you can have him. When the biological mother heard this, she pleaded with the judge begging him not to cut her child in ½ and was willing to give the other women the child to save his life. The biological mother was willing to give up her rights to her child to save his life, save him the pain. The other mother, who wasn't truly his mother, said “fine, cut the boy in ½” , she didn't care if the child lived or died. She would rather see that child killed then to be with his biological parent. She is selfish. When the judge heard that, he immediately gave the child to his rightful parent. The biological mother won in the end. She was vindicated for her willingness to spare her child’s life. She was willing to give up what she had to save her son from being cut in ½.
Was she selfish for letting the other women have her child? Did she make the ultimate sacrifice for her child?

You tell me.

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