Thursday, November 18, 2010

It finally hit me......

Here I am, it's 10:30 on November 17th 2010 and I can't sleep. It's early for some, yes, and I just turned off the TV. Up until 10, I was watching one of my favorite shows, Seinfeld. I could barely keep my eyes open during the last episode, but I fought the sleep and watched till it was over, then turned it off. Thinking that I will just fall asleep, and into a nice dream. Well, I was wrong. My mind wondered off and it finally hit me. One tear, then two....a sniff, sniff and well..... here I am.

I kept telling myself while I laid there, that I actually did set myself up for disappointment. I actually wanted to believe that Cody would call me, text me or email me...SOMETHING!! But, he didn't. I am truly heartbroken. So this is what it feels like? It's painful. I don't want to move, I can't move, I'm paralyzed and numb. I am truly one hears my cry, sees my pain or wipes my tears.

I set myself up for 2 years thinking that my son would call me when he turned 18. I was so sure of it. I knew in my heart he would. I never did anything to him for him not to want to contact me. Or did I?
This is the guilt, the shame and humiliation that I struggle with all the time. It's deep down inside my soul, the guilt, the pain. I haven't cried in over a year about any of this, but tonight I couldn't hold back the tears. They hate me. They don't love me. They don't want to know me, or see me ever again. It truly is over. I am no longer a thought or a memory in their minds.

I thought that November 12 would be the day of celebration, joy and happiness, but it wasn't. I thought by now I would have talked to him, made Thanksgiving plans, possibly Christmas plans. I dreamed of the day. All was forgiven and life was normal. I was mom again. I heard the words mom....he would call me mom. It's a faint whisper.....

I set myself up for heartbreak. I convinced myself that nothing could separate us for too long. That the bond a mother and child have is inseparable. I thought........I told myself to hang on to hope. It will happen.

I was sent about 70 pictures of Cody the other day. He has grown up so much. He's a young man. He's tall and handsome. He has a girlfriend. I am missing his life. It's been stolen from I cry. I am mad, disappointed, frustrated, bitter and heartbroken. I need to just scream so this pain goes away. I need to run and hide, I need to just let it all go.....but it's so hard, I CAN'T!!! I want my son....I can have him now, he's 18....right? But he doesn't want me to be part of his life. I try to tell myself that I am the last thing on his mind, that he's busy with school, a girlfriend and maybe even a job. I am consumed with this now, knowing he's reached that age, the age of promise, the age of truth, the age that gave me hope. It's all a nightmare....did any of this really happen? Am I just in a horrible nightmare that's lasted 10 years? AHHHHH..............*this is my own nightmare*.....

This isn't what I had planned.....this isn't working. I've been sad deep inside, hiding it away from everyone, quiet and secretive....not showing my true feelings, but my heart is breaking and I have to let you know this SUCKS......!!!! I WANT TO SHARE THINGS WITH MY SON … with my son. Be his mom......

I was raised to believe that God hears our cries, and answers our prayers....what do I have to do in this lifetime to get him to hear these cries, see these real tears and feel this pain of mine? What do I have to do, to get him to answer my prayer? I've been down the road of the “good christian” girl. I've read and studied my Bible, went to church and fell on my knees begging for him to hear me. Where are you at now? I'm so bitter, I am mad at God. Is that OK? Isn't that aloud? I tried to “walk the walk” believe in faith the size of a mustard seed... a God that can move mountains and part the red sea can surely give my son back to me. IS THAT TO MUCH TO ASK?? I have been quiet and sat in the back row for to long now.....I want to see my son! GIVE ME SOMETHING PLEASE!!!

I don't understand this, I really don't!

I feel like a failure. I have failed my boys. They have been fed the worked.

What happened to my positive thinking....?? REALITY IT's not gonna happen!!!

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