3 types of Parental Alienation

COURT REVIEW, VOLUME 28, NUMBER 1, SPRING 1991, p 14-21
American Judges Association

LEGAL AND PSYCHOTHERAPEUTIC APPROACHES TO THE THREE TYPES OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME FAMILIES
When Psychiatry and the Law Join Forces
Richard A. Gardner, M.D.

In the mid to late 1970s, in association with the replacement of the tender-years presumption with the best-interests-of-the-child presumption (and the gender egalitarianism incorporated therein), we witnessed a burgeoning of child custody litigation. Fathers who previously had little if any chance of gaining custody now found court support for their quest. Since the late 1970s, in association with the increasing popularity of the joint custodial concept, there was an even further burgeoning of custody litigation. Whereas previously the courts tended to award one parent sole custody and assigned the other parent visitation status, now litigating parents could each hope for a large share of time with the children. In association with what can justifiably be called a custody litigation explosion (which is still going on), I began to see a disorder, which I rarely saw before, that developed almost exclusively in children who were exposed to and embroiled in custody disputes. The primary characteristic of this disorder is obsessive alienation from a parent.

Originally, I thought I was observing manifestations of simple "brainwashing." However, I soon came to appreciate that things were nor so simple and that many other factors were operative. Accordingly, I introduced the term parental alienation syndrome.

I use the term to refer to a disturbance in which a child is obsessed with deprecation and criticism of a parent (more often the father) denigration that is unjustified or exaggerated. At the same time, the other parent can do no wrong and the nonpreferred parent can do no right. The notion that such children have merely been brainwashed by the preferred parent is narrow. The term brainwashing implies that one parent is systematically and consciously programming the child to denigrate the other parent. The concept of the parental alienation syndrome includes much more than brainwashing. It includes not only conscious but subconscious and unconscious factors within the preferred parent that contribute to the parent's influencing the child's alienation. Furthermore (and this is extremely important), it includes factors that arise within the child-independent of the parental contributions - that foster the development of the syndrome.

Typically, the child is obsessed with "hatred" of a parent. (The word hatred has been placed in quotes because there are still many tender and loving feelings felt toward the allegedly despised parent that are not permitted expression.) These children speak of the hated parent with every vilification and profanity in their vocabulary - without embarrassment or guilt. The vilification of the parent often has the quality of a litany. After only minimal prompting, the record will be turned on and a command performance provided. One not only detects a rehearsed quality to the speech but often hears phraseology that is identical to that used by the "loved" parent. (Again, the word loved is placed in quotes because hostility toward and fear of that parent may similarly be unexpressed.) Even years after they have taken place, the child may justify the alienation with memories of minor altercations experienced in the relationship with the hated parent. These are usually trivial and relate to experiences that most children quickly forget: "He always used to speak very loud when he told me to brush my teeth," "She used to say to me 'Don't interrupt,"' and "He used to make a lot of noise when he chewed at the table." When these children are asked to give more compelling reasons for the hatred, they are unable to provide them. Frequently, the loved parent will agree with the child that these professed reasons justify the ongoing animosity.

The hatred of the parent often includes that parent's complete extended family. Cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents - with whom the child previously may have had loving relationships - are now viewed as similarly obnoxious. Greeting cards are not reciprocated. Presents sent to the child's home are refused, remain unopened, or even destroyed [generally in the presence of the loved parent]. When the hated parent's relatives call on the telephone, the child will respond with angry vilifications or quickly hang up on the caller. The rage of these children is so great that they become completely oblivious to the privations they are causing themselves. Again, the loved parent is typically unconcerned with the untoward psychological effects on the child of the rejection of these relatives.

The child may exhibit a guiltless disregard for the feelings of the hated parent. There will be a complete absence of gratitude for gifts, support payments, and other manifestations of the hated parent's continued involvement and affection. Often, these children will want to be certain the alienated parent continues to provide support payments, but at the same time adamantly refuse to visit with that parent. Commonly, they will say that they never want to see the hated parent again, or not until their late teens or early twenties. To such a child I might say: "So you want your father to continue paying for all your food, clothing, rent, and education - even private high school and college - and yet you still don't want to see him at all, ever again. Is that right?" Such a child might respond: "That's right. He doesn't deserve to see me. He's mean and paying all that money is a good punishment for him."

Those who have never seen such children may consider this description a caricature. Those who have seen them will recognize the syndrome immediately, although some children may not manifest all the symptoms. The parental alienation syndrome is becoming increasingly common, and there is good reason to predict that it will become even more common in the immediate future if custody conflicts become even more prevalent.

Elsewhere (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) I have described in greater detail the causes and manifestations of the parental alienation syndrome. Of the causational factors, those that are most pertinent to this article relate to what I consider to have been the misguided egalitarianism of the "sex-blind" criteria for assessing parental capacity in custody disputes. Whether the result of genetic difference (probably of survival value in past times, when women were primarily child rearers and men hunters and warriors) or the fact that mothers (even today) are more likely to have been the primary child rearers, the mother-child psychological bond is generally stronger than the father-child I believe that the symptoms of parental alienation syndrome - in both mothers and children - have been related to the attempts to preserve this stranger bond. Although many of these mothers' tactics may be considered vicious, manipulative, and deceitful, I have sympathy for these women. They have felt helpless and impotent and have often resorted to primitive techniques because of the failure of more civilized and adult maneuvers to work for them. And children, too, have been threatened by the disruption of the mother-child bond. The children's techniques have been even more primitive because of their naivete about the world. Although they have selected maneuvers that seem absurd and preposterous to the adult, these maneuvers do not appear so to children because of their cognitive immaturity and less sophisticated ability to defend themselves against the disruption of the mother-child bond. Here I focus on the therapeutic and legal approaches to the treatment of these children and their families, which (with increased experience) I have divided into three types. Each type warrants its own special therapeutic and legal approach. Finally, I will propose guidelines for evaluators and courts, which if implemented are likely to reduce, if not prevent entirely, the development of the parental alienation syndrome.

The Three Types of Parental Alienation Syndrome Families

Based on my more recent work with these families, I have divided them into three categories: severe, moderate, and mild. Although there is actually a continuum, and many cases do not fit neatly into one of these classifications, the differentiation is still important with regard both to psychotherapeutic and legal approaches. If evaluators are to provide the most judicious recommendations, it is vital that they determine first the proper category in which the family fits. In each category I will discuss the mothers, the children, and the appropriate psychotherapeutic and legal approaches. I will use the mother as the example of the preferred parent because this is the case in the majority of such families. My explanation for this disparity has relevance to my theory of the causes of this disorder. However, the same considerations apply to the father when he is the favored parent.

I cannot emphasize strongly enough that in many (if not most) cases the therapy of these families is not possible without court support. Only the court has the power to order these mothers to stop their manipulations and maneuvering. And it is only the court that has the power to place the children in whichever home would best suit their needs at the particular time. Therapists who embark upon the treatment of such families without such court backing are not likely to be successful.

Severe Cases of the Parental Alienation Syndrome.

The mothers of these children are often fanatic. They will use every maneuver at their disposal (legal and illegal) to obstruct visitation. They are obsessed with hatred of their husbands. In many cases, they are paranoid. Sometimes the paranoid thoughts and feelings about the husband are focused on him alone; in other cases, this paranoia is just one example of many types of paranoid thinking. Often the paranoia did not exhibit itself before the breakup of the marriage and is a manifestation of the psychiatric disintegration that often results from protracted divorce (especially custody) disputes.(2) Central to the paranoid mechanism is projection. These mothers see in their husbands many objectionable characteristics that actually exist within themselves characteristics that they do not wish to recognize. By projecting these unacceptable qualities onto their husbands, they can consider themselves innocent victims. When a sex-abuse accusation becomes incorporated into the package, such mothers may be projecting their own sexual inclinations onto the father. (3 6, 7) In the service of this goal they exaggerate and distort any comment the child makes that might justify the allegation. And this is not difficult to do because children normally will entertain sexual fantasies, often of the most bizarre form. I agree with Freud (8) that children are "polymorphous perverse," and they thereby provide these mothers with an ample supply of material to serve as nuclei for their projections and accusations.

Such mothers do not respond to logic, confrontations with reality, or appeals to reason. They will readily believe the most preposterous scenarios provided by or elicited from their children. Experienced and skilled mental health examiners - who claim that there is no evidence for the accusation are dismissed as being against them or as being bribed by the husband. And this is typical of paranoid thinking: it does not respond to logic, and any confrontation that might shake the system is rationalized into the paranoid scenario. Even a court decision that there is absolutely no evidence that the father is guilty of sex abuse does not alter her beliefs nor reduce her commitment to deprecation of the father. Energizing the rage is the "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" phenomenon.

The children of these mothers are similarly fanatic. They often share her paranoid fantasies about the father. They may become panic-stricken over the prospect of visiting their father. Their blood-curdling shrieks, panicked states, and hostility may be so severe that visitation may seem impossible. If placed in the father's home they may run away, become paralyzed with morbid fear, or be so destructive that removal becomes necessary. Unlike children in the moderate and mild categories, their panic and hostility may not be reduced quickly in the father's home. However, there are children in this category whose state of agitated rage against the father will become reduced if required (especially by court order) to remain in their father's home over an ongoing period.

Regarding the therapeutic approaches in this category, traditional therapy for the mother is most often not possible. Usually, she has absolutely no insight into her deep-seated psychiatric problems and is thereby totally unreceptive to treatment. Often, she will consider therapists and other evaluators who believe that her delusions are not warranted to be joining in with her husband. These examiners thereby become incorporated into the paranoid system. A court order that she enter into treatment is futile. Judges are sometimes naive with regard to their belief that one can order a person into treatment. Most judges appreciate that they cannot order a frigid wife to have an orgasm or an impotent husband to have an erection. Yet, they somehow believe that one can order someone to have conviction for and commitment to therapy. Accordingly, the court does well not to order such treatment because it will only make a mockery of therapy.

It is important for judges to appreciate that treatment for the children is most often not possible while the children are still living in the mother's home. No matter how frequently they are seen in treatment, no matter how skilled the therapist, the time in therapy is only a small fraction of the total exposure time to the mother's vilification of the father. There is a pathological psychological bond here between the mother and children that is not going to be changed by therapy as long as the children live with the mother.

Accordingly, before meaningful treatment can begin the children must be removed from the mother's home and placed in the home of the father, the allegedly hated parent. This may not be accomplished easily, and the court might have to threaten sanctions (such as fines or permanent loss of custody) and even jail if the mother does not comply. Following this transfer there must be a period of decompression and debriefing in which the mother has no contact at all with the children. Only in this way will the children be given the opportunity to reestablish their relationship with the alienated father without significant contamination from the mother. Even telephone calls must be strictly prohibited for at least a few weeks, perhaps longer. The transfer can be monitored by a court-ordered therapist or guardian ad litem who has direct input to the court and who the mother knows will be reporting any resistance or uncooperative behavior. Then, according to the therapist's or guardian ad litem's judgment, slowly increasing contacts with the mother may be initiated, starring with monitored telephone calls. The danger here, however, is that these will be opportunities for reprogramming the children against the father.

In some cases this program may be successful, especially if the mother can see her way clear to entering into meaningful therapy (not often the case for mothers in this category). In these cases the children might ultimately be returned to the mother. However, if she still attempts to alienate the children it may be necessary to assign primary custody to the father and allow limited visitation with the mother to protect the children from significant reprogramming. In extreme cases one may have to sever the children entirely from the mother for many months or even years. In such cases the children will at least be living with the healthier parent. My experience has been that in such cases the animosity toward the father gradually becomes reduced. In contrast, if the court allows the children to remain living with such a disturbed mother - and believes that therapy of the children will "cure" them of their alienation - then it is likely that there will be lifelong alienation from the father. I recognize that some readers will consider this approach very stringent, even punitive. From the point of view of the mother it certainly is; with regard to the welfare of the children, it is the most humane approach.

Moderate Cases of the Parental Alienation Syndrome.

The mothers in this category are not as fanatic as those in the severe category but are more disturbed than those in the mild category (who may not have a psychiatric disturbance). In these cases the rage of the rejected woman is more important than paranoid projection. These mothers can differentiate between allegations that are preposterous and those that are not. There is still, however, a campaign of deprecation and a significant desire to wreak vengeance on the father by alienating the children from him. Many are quite creative in their excuses to obstruct visitation. They may be unreceptive to court orders; however, they will often comply after threats of fines or transfer of custody. When a false sex-abuse allegation is incorporated into the parental alienation syndrome [a not uncommon additional weapon](3, 6, 7) they will be able to differentiate between the children's preposterous claims and those that may have some validity. Whereas the mothers in the severe category have a sick psychological bond with the children (often a paranoid one), the mothers in this category are more likely to have a healthy psychological bond that is being compromised by their rage. The mothers in the moderate category are more likely to have been good child rearers before the divorce. In contrast, the mothers in the severe category, even though nor significantly disturbed before the separation, often have exhibited formidable impairments in child-rearing capacity before the separation. Therefore, mothers in the moderate category can most often remain the primary custodial parent if the combined efforts of the court and the therapist or guardian ad litem are successful in enabling the children to resume normal visitation with the father.

The children in this category are less fanatic in their vilification of the father than those in the severe category but more than those in the mild category. They also have their campaigns of deprecation of the father but are much more likely to dispense with their scenarios when alone with him, especially for long periods. A younger child may often need the support of an older one to keep the campaign going. The younger children are often the parrots of the older one, and they develop the parental alienation syndrome by imitating an older sibling. However, the primary motivation for the children's scenarios is to maintain the healthy psychological bond with the mother.

With regard to court-ordered therapy for these families, it is important that one therapist be used. I cannot emphasize this point strongly enough. We are not dealing with a situation in which the mother should have her therapist, the father his therapist, and the children their own. Such a therapeutic program, although seemingly respectful of each party's individual needs, is not likely to be effective in treating parental alienation syndrome families. Such fractionization reduces communication between family members, sets up antagonistic sub-systems within the family, and is thereby likely to intensify the pathological interactions that contribute to the parental alienation syndrome. Again, it is crucial that the therapist be court ordered and have direct input to the judge. This can often be facilitated by a guardian ad litem or a child advocate. The mother must recognize that any obstructionism by her will be reported immediately to the judge, either directly by the therapist or through the guardian ad litem or child advocate. The judge must be willing to impose sanctions, such as fines or jail. The threat of loss of primary custody can also help such mothers to "remember to cooperate."

My experience has been that mothers in the severe category, having absolutely no insight into their psychiatric problems, do not generally have therapists. However, mothers in the moderate category often seek therapists. However, they typically select one with whom they develop a mutual admiration society in which the therapist (consciously or unconsciously) becomes the mother's champion in the fight. Most often, the mother chooses a woman as a therapist - especially a woman who is herself antagonistic toward men. Often, the mother's therapist has little, if any, contact with the father and so does not hear his side of the story. When they do meet with him, they typically will be hostile and unsympathetic. Sometimes the children will be brought to this therapist, ostensibly to help them deal with the indignities they are suffering at their father's hands. Although the court may appreciate the pathological nature of the bond the mother has with her therapist, it may be reluctant to order a cessation of such treatment. The court, however, does well to at least prohibit the children from being "treated" by her [as mentioned, rarely a man]. Even if the court were to order the mother's therapist to stop treating her, it is likely that she would find another person who would support her position.

The court should order the mother to see the court's therapist even though her cooperation is not likely to be significant and even though she may be influenced significantly by her own therapist (whom she may still insist on seeing). The court's therapist must have a thick skin and be able to tolerate the children's shrieks and claims of maltreatment. Doing what children profess they want is not always the same as doing what is best for them. Therapists of the persuasion that they must "respect" their child patients and accede to their wishes will be doing these children a terrible disservice. These same therapists would not "respect" a child's wish to refuse a polio shot, yet they will respect the child's wish not to see a father who shows no significant evidence for abuse or neglect. The therapist should recall that the children were likely to have had a good relationship with the father before the separation and that strong psychological ties must still be present. The therapist should view the children's professed hatred as superficial and as designed to ingratiate themselves with the mother. To take the allegations of maltreatment seriously may help entrench the parental alienation syndrome and may result in years of, if not lifelong alienation.

It is crucial that the therapist appreciate that the children need him or her as an excuse for visiting with the father. When "forced" to visit with the father, they can say to the mother that the therapist is mean or cruel and that they really do not want to see the father but that the therapist "makes them." The judge, too, can serve this function for the children. With a court order, they can say to their mother, "I really hate my father, but that stupid judge is making me see him." I cannot emphasize this point strongly enough. It is the most effective way of reducing the children's guilt when they visit, and, in many cases, it may be necessary if the visitation is to be possible.

It is important to appreciate that older children may promulgate the mother's programming down to young ones. And the older children are especially likely to do this during visits with the father. The mother thereby relies on her accomplice to work over the younger ones when in the enemy camp [the father's house). These older children many even mastermind inside jobs in the father's house. Accordingly, a divide-and-conquer approach sometimes is warranted. This is best accomplished by requiring the children to visit separately - or at least separate from the older sibling programmers - until they all (including the mother) have had the living experience that the terrible consequences of being alone with the father were not realized. This is a good example of an important aspect of the therapy of these families; namely, that less is done via the attempt to get people to gain insight and much more is accomplished by structuring situations and providing individuals with actual experiences. Here again, the therapist must have the court's authority to implement such structuring.

Transition periods (that is, the points when the children are transferred from mother to father) may be especially difficult for children with parental alienation syndrome. It is then (when both parents and the children are together) that the loyalty conflicts become most intense and the symptoms most severe. Accordingly, it is risky to have the father pickup the children at the mother's home. In that setting - with the mother directly observing the children - they are most likely to resist going with their father and will predictably gain their mother's support (overt or covert) for their reluctance. Alternative transitional arrangements must therefore be devised, arrangements that do not place the children in a situation in which they are with mother and father at the same time.

A good transition place is the therapist's office. The mother brings the children, spends some time with them and the therapist, and then goes home - leaving the children alone with the therapist. Subsequently, the father comes, spends some time with the children and the therapist, and then takes them to his home. Or a truly impartial intermediary, with whom the children have a good relationship, can pick the children up at the mother's home and bring them to the father's home. A therapist, guardian ad litem, or child advocate can serve in this role. The problem with the latter plan is that it is usually expensive, especially if the intermediary person is a guardian ad litem (most often a lawyer) or therapist.

Once the court has made a final decision that the children shall remain living with their mother, then they are able to dispense with their campaigns of hatred. This is a very important point. The children develop their campaigns of denigration in the desire to maintain the psychological bond with the mother. The custody litigation has threatened a disruption of this bond. Once the court has ruled that the children shall remain living primarily with their mother, they can relax and allow themselves to enjoy a more benevolent relationship with their father. In short, the court's order obviates the need for the symptoms, and so they can be dispensed with.

Sometimes, mothers in this category suddenly decide that they want to move to another state. Some suddenly decide that they want to remove themselves (and children, of course) from the unhappy scene of the custody conflict (including the whole state) and "start all over" or "find themselves" at some remote place (hundreds and even thousands of miles away from the father). Some claim better job opportunities in another state. Some suddenly become "homesick" after many years of comfortable adjustment in the state in which the children were raised. It would be an error for the court to take these arguments seriously. Rather, the court should inform the mother that she is free to leave the state at any time she wishes; however, she should understand that if she does so it will not be with the children.

It is important for judges to appreciate that not all therapists are suited to work with such families. As mentioned, they must have thick skins to tolerate the children's antics as they claim that they are being exposed to terrible traumas and indignities in their fathers' homes. They must also be comfortable with taking a somewhat dictatorial position. This is especially important in their relationship with the mothers of these children. The therapist must appreciate that more of the therapy relates to manipulating and structuring situations than to providing people with insight. False perceptions will be altered to the degree that the therapist can provide people with living experiences. Therapists with a strong orientation toward psychoanalytic therapy are generally compromised when treating parental alienation syndrome families. I am a psychoanalyst myself and involve most of my adult patients in psychoanalytic therapy. However, when a parental alienation syndrome is present, the therapeutic approach must first involve a significant degree of people manipulation (usually by court order) and structure before one can sit down and talk meaningfully with the parties involved. Moreover, therapists who accept as valid the patient's wishes (whether child or adult) and consider it therapeutically contraindicated to pressure or coerce a patient are also not good candidates to serve such families. I, too, consider myself sensitive to the needs of my patients. As mentioned, doing what the patient wants and doing what the patient needs may be two entirely different things. It is for this reason that the courts play such an important role in the treatment of families in which parental alienation syndrome is present. Without the therapist's having the court's power to bring about the various manipulations and structural changes, the therapy is not likely to be possible.

Mild Cases of the Parental Alienation Syndrome.

The mothers of children in this category usually have developed a healthy psychological bond with their children. They believe that gender egalitarianism in custody disputes is a disservice to children but are healthy enough not to involve themselves in courtroom litigation in order to gain primary custody. Some of these mothers may undertake some mild degrees of programming their children against their fathers. Others recognize that alienation from the father is not in the children's best interests and are willing to take a more conciliatory approach to the father's requests. They either go along with a joint custodial compromise or even allow (albeit reluctantly) the father to have sole custody with their having a liberal visitation program. However, we may still see some manifestations of programming in these mothers to strengthen their positions. There is no paranoia here (as is the case for mothers in the severe category), but there is anger, and there may be some desire for vengeance. The motive for programming the children, however, is less likely to be vengeance (as is the case for mothers in the moderate category) than it is merely to entrench their positions in an inegalitarian situation. Of the three categories of mothers, these mothers have generally been the most dedicated ones during the earliest years of their children's lives and have thereby developed the strongest and healthiest psychological bonds with them.

The children in this category also develop their own scenarios, again with the slight prodding of the mother. Here the children's primary motive is to strengthen the mother's position in the custody dispute in order to maintain the stronger, healthier psychological bond that they have with their mothers. These are the children who are most likely to be ambivalent about or receptive to visitation and are most free to express affection for their fathers, even in their mothers' presence.

With regard to therapy, in most children need a final court order confirming that they will remain living primarily with their mother and complete reassurance that there will be no transfer of primary custody to their father. This usually "cures" the parental alienation syndrome. If the children need therapy it is for other things, possibly related to the divorce animosities.

Conclusion.

In the majority of cases of parental alienation syndrome, it is the mother who is favored and the father who is denigrated. However, there are certainly situations in which the mother is vilified and the father favored. For simplicity of presentation, and because mothers are more often the favored parent, I have used her as the example of the preferred parent - but recognize that in some cases it is the father who is preferred and the one who may be brainwashing the children and the mother who is the despised parent. In such cases, the fathers should be divided into the aforementioned categories and given the same considerations as described for mothers.

I fully recognize that the division of these families into three categories is somewhat artificial. In reality, we have a continuum from severe to mild cases. However, the distinctions are valid and extremely important if one is to make judicious therapeutic and legal recommendations. It is crucial that the court make every attempt to differentiate between mothers in category one (severe) and those in category two (moderate). The former mothers are often so disturbed that transfer of custody is the only viable option. The latter mothers, their antics notwithstanding, generally still serve better as the primary custodial parent.

Last, a special comment about the guardian ad litem. I have generally found collaboration with guardians ad litem to be very useful when conducting custody evaluations.(2, 9, 10) They can generally be relied upon to obtain documents that a parent might have been hesitant to provide or to enlist the court's assistance in getting reluctant parents to cooperate. The guardian ad litem can be a powerful ally for therapists. However, there is a definite risk when recommending that the court appoint such a person. A guardian ad litem who is not familiar with the causes, manifestations, and proper treatment of children with parental alienation syndrome may prove a definite impediment during treatment. The guardian ad litem traditionally takes pride in supporting the children's needs. Unfortunately, many reflexively support the children's positions. They may not appreciate that they are promulgating the pathology. Some have great difficulty supporting coercive maneuvers (such as insisting that the children visit with a father whom they profess they hate), because such maneuvers are so different from their traditional approach to clients in which they often automatically align themselves with their clients' cause. For guardians ad litem to work effectively with families of parental alienation syndrome children, they must accommodate themselves to this new orientation toward their clients. Accordingly, judges do well when appointing ,guardian ad litem to secure an individual who is knowledgeable about the special approaches necessary for these families.

A Proposal for Preventing the Development of the Parental Alienation Syndrome

All agree that preventing the development of an illness is far more desirable than treating a disorder that has already developed- lust as the parental alienation syndrome developed after the introduction of new criteria for determining parental preference in custody disputes, we are in a position to reverse this pathological situation by introducing what I consider to be more judicious criteria for such determinations. I recommend that we give preference in custody disputes to that parent (regardless of sex) with whom the child has developed the stronger, healthier psychological bond. Because mothers today are still more often the primary child rearer, more mothers would be given parental preference in custody disputes adjudicated under this principle. If, however, in spite of the mother's superiority at the time of birth, it was the father who was the primary caretaker - especially during the early years of life - such a father might very well serve better as the primary custodial parent.

This proposal is essentially sex blind (thereby satisfying present demands for gender egalitarianism) because it allows that a father's input may outweigh the mother's in the formative years, even though he starts at a disadvantage. It uses the psychological bond with the child as the primary consideration in custody evaluations. A mother may be good with infants and toddlers, who are totally dependent on her, but she may do poorly with adolescents, whose independence she has difficulty tolerating. A father may be almost completely inept in taking care of an infant but may excel as a parent when he can share sports and other activities with children at subsequent levels of development.

I refer to this proposal as the stronger, healthy psychological bond presumption, which, I believe, is the one that would serve the best interests of the child in a custody dispute. It is important for the reader to appreciate that the parent who had the greater involvement with the child during infancy is the one more likely to have the stronger psychological bond. However, if the early parenting was nor "good," then the bond that develops might be pathological. Accordingly, I am nor referring here to any kind of psychological bond at all, but a healthy psychological bond. It is not a situation in which any psychological bond at all will do. A paranoid mother, who has so programmed her son that he, too, has developed paranoid feelings about his father, may have a strong psychological band with her son, stronger than that which he has with his father. But this is certainly not a healthy bond, and its presence is a strong argument for recommending the father as the primary custodial parent.

In summary, the stronger, healthy psychological bond presumption is best stated as a three-step process:

1. Preference should be given to that parent (regardless of sex) with whom the child has developed the stronger, healthy psychological bond.
2. That parent (regardless of sex) who was the primary caretaker during the earliest years of the child's life is more likely to have developed the stronger, healthy psychological bond.
3. The longer the time lag between the earliest years and the time of the custody evaluation or decision, the greater the likelihood that other factors will tip the balance in the direction of either parent. 

The missing piece.....

Everyday, I always wake up with a positive attitude. I wake up happy. I thank God that he got me up and started me on my way. But he never said it would be an easy day. God doesn't give us what we can't handle, right? Well, I believe that! I also believe that he puts us in situations for reasons. I don't know how those situations will end up, but he does. I just wish sometimes he will give me a sign as to how mine is going to end.

A few weeks ago, I ran into Office Max to make some copies of the Order of Protection for my attorney. I knew I was just going to run in and out, so I left my phone in the car. When I got to the car, I noticed I had a missed call. When I looked to see where the call came from, it said “pay phone.”

There was no number and no voice mail left. My first thought was, OMG, it was Cody calling me.

This was still in the processing stage of boot camp, so I was hopeful. I have not had another “pay phone” call since then and I never had one before that either. So I will believe in my heart that it was him.

That night, I had a dream about Cody. In my dream, I saw him standing by the pay phone....I saw him waiting for me to pick up the phone, I saw the eagerness as he was being screamed at by the drill sergeant as he looked on over his shoulder (something that I am sure he was use to when he was able to talk to me on the phone) and after the phone rang, and there was no answer, he was made to hang up.

Since this was still the processing stage/maybe even two weeks after arrival of boot camp, I was also searching really hard to find out all I could about whatever I could. This dream was sweet and pleasant. He wasn't ugly, verbally...he was just desperate to tell me something. But even though I didn't answer that call, something he told me in that dream stuck with me. He revealed to me his platoon number.

The only person I told was my mother in law. I shared with her the details of the dream. I told her that Cody told me he was in platoon 1046.

Then about 2 weeks ago, a group was created on Facebook, MCRD 1^st BN Charlie Co~April 13, 2012

I joined that group right away. Parents were sharing the names of there sons in boot camp and sharing the platoon numbers and sharing all the excitement of receiving letters from their recruits. I shared that I won't receive a letter, I didn't know his platoon. All I had was his name and where he was from.

So that is what I told them. Someone commented and asked me why I won't hear from him...

I gave a brief reason why, I was an alienated mom.... and that set off a whole reaction in the group.

One of the parents sent a special request asking all the parents to ask their recruits to find out what platoon Cody was in. When I saw that, I was excited! I was happy to see how they cared enough to help, even though I didn't ask them too. They took it upon themselves to do this for me. I was grateful!

Then, no sooner I hit the “post” button, telling them thank you, I noticed someone on the feed said

“thanks for the info ________.” ( guess who's name appears in the blank spot? Yep, step moms)

Funny, how she changed it too ...Like that's not obvious!

Anyway, I panicked! I removed myself from that group immediately. Something I shouldn't have done..it just goes to show how much power and control I allowed her to have over me again.

Then, I thought, heck with it, I am going to ask to rejoin that group. I didn't do anything or say anything wrong. I had every right to be a part of that group. After all, I am his biological mom. He is 19 years old, and they can't run his life or mine anymore. So I sent another request to join.

Then after about a week of not getting my request noticed, I sent the admin a message asking her why I haven't been accepted back into the group. She never replied to my email, but she added me to the group! Phew! So now, I am back in.

Funny, the same day/time she added me, I noticed she added Cody's girlfriend too.

Of course I can't see that, I noticed someone welcomed us to the group and used our names. CRAP!!!

I can't see what they post, or when they post or when they are online...just like they can't when I'm on.

I don't post anything anymore....just to be on the safe side.

Funny how 3 people who know Cody, are in the group. 2 of us truly love and care for him and his well being. 1 of us doesn't. 1 of us only care about the bragging rights!

Only one of us has his best interest at heart, and doesn't matter who he loves or who he talks too.

I don't care if he wants to love his step mom....he's free to do so. I just don't like that SHE makes him feel like he can't be free to love me, his mother. That's the difference between the mom and the step mom.

Kinda just like the story in the Bible.

As I scan through the group, I can't help but notice all the parents that are always so excited to receive letters from their sons. I so badly wish I could join them in that excitement. I wish I could share with them more about how it feels not to receive a letter. So bad I want to share in the excitement of making graduation plans in April with them. The women in the group have a bond, they have all connected.

I feel that they all know who I am, and are told to “watch out!” Believe me, I am sure she sent out a mass email to all of them in the group and told them NOT to give me any information. And the sad thing is, they all believed her. Scary how much power this women has over a group of 80 people.

One mom had posted a few hours ago how it's going to be a huge sob fest when they all meet at graduation. They are going to cry when they see their sons, when they see who they have bonded with in the group and when they say good bye. Ahhhh, if they only knew how sad I actually am without that letter, the excitement of looking forward to graduation, or the hug they will all get from their sons.

Wonder how that will feel?

I believe that things will change for the good. God promises that. I believe that he his working on something good for me. That dream revealed to me a number that I needed to put that last piece of the puzzle together. That number was confirmed to me just this week. That has God written all over it.

See what she doesn't understand, is that God will always restore a broken heart and a broken family to those who love him! God knows which mother really loves her son....the one who doesn't want to harm him, but to let him be who he wants to be, love who he wants to love and be FREE from influence. I don't want to keep Cody from his dad his step mom or that family. I want him, and all my kids to know that they are loved by a lot of people, and I want them to have the freedom to love all of us too.

I also want them to know, you can't keep apart what is meant to be together. Just let us love the boys and let them love us. Let us have a life together and let the kids have a family, a whole family, including you, that love them. Kids need both parents in their lives.

Why do you want so badly for them to be sad, and hurt and have unanswered questions and broken hearts? Don't fool yourself into thinking they are OK? Because no kid who is forced away from a parent who they had a relationship with, is ever OK! EVER!

The fantasy birth mom....

Recently I saw a post in a Parental Alienation group that I am in and it read:

“ what about parental fantasy syndrome” you know, when other people steal others babies (children) and pretend that they are theirs. Most commonly known as adoption.”

Before I relinquished my rights, I thought long and hard about the consequences. I thought about what others will think. I thought about what my life will be like if I didn't have my kids with me forever. I thought, what am I really giving up? I only had every other weekend and 5 weeks in summer, and ½ Christmas and every other holiday...when he didn't hide them from me, or fabricate an abuse story.

I thought of how it will effect me, mentally and emotionally. How will my family handle this? Most of all, what will the boys actually think? What will they tell them? How will this effect them now, and in the long run. I was truly convinced that once Cody was of age, and when he was out of high school, he would come back into my life. I was confident! We had a good loving, mother and son relationship. But, I was sadly mistaken. I didn't see the big picture. I didn't think that they could brainwash him all that bad and that he would believe them. Once again, I was mistaken.

I didn't really have a lot of time to actually think about it, really. My attorney at the time was pressuring me to “make a decision” so the paperwork can be completed and they can get started. I didn't want to do it until after my August visit in 2008. I wanted to have my kids with me one last time. But like always I was persuaded to forfeit that visitation because the boys' father didn't think that it would be a good idea. That saying goodbye would just be to hard. No, what he didn't want was for me to actually explain to the boys what was actually going down, and didn't want them to know the truth.

I sent my attorney the email, letting her know my reservations about the relinquishment, and I expressed to her that if the step mom was to adopt my kids, which was brought up in the many conversations we had, I told her that I didn't want her to adopt my kids. She told me that by law, after I sign the papers, she has the right to adopt them. I said fine, then I offered to her the option of open adoption. She once again, in her lawyer lingo convinced me that it was not an option.

3 strikes, I’m out!

On August 13, 2008 I signed the rights to my children away. It is not a moment that I am proud of. It isn't a moment any parent should ever have to face. It isn't something that should actually be aloud to happen, unless that parent is legally hospitalized and no longer able to care for themselves. I don't even know if that is even something to even think about either. Nonetheless, no parent should ever be faced with having to relinquish their rights away to their kids because they are being forced too. But sometimes, Parental Alienation forces a loving parent to do things they are not willing to do. Especially when the judges and attorney's don't care as long as they get their pockets full of money. The best interest of the children doesn't matter to the judges and attorney's and obviously it doesn't matter to the parents who have finally got what the wanted.

I thought after the papers were signed, I was going to be left alone. I didn't want to be reminded of this horrible thing that I just did. This nightmare that I was living, or the people that did this to me. But I started receiving letters in mail from HIS attorney, giving me “updates” on the progress of the adoption.

I didn't need to hear it, see it or relive it. I didn't want to know when it was happening, I didn't need to know when it was happening. But for some reason, it was all part of the sick plan....I guess they just needed to kick me while I was down. Well, it worked. Finally I wrote his attorney a letter asking them to please stop torturing me with all the sad details of the adoption. But it was one letter that actually sent me over the edge. (again, all part of sticking the knife in a little deeper) I received a letter in the mail, stating that the step-mom was changing the boys middle names. But that wasn't the worst of it, when I read that she was actually removing Austin's middle name, which was Jeffery, totally out of his name, that was the stab in the heart that really killed me. Jeffery was after my dad. His papa!

What type of sick people do that to kids? Who changes a child's name? Who takes away a child's identity?

People who live in a fantasy world, that's who! These people brainwash themselves into believing that these kids they have adopted are actually their biological children. They convince themselves they were at the birth. They can “remember the day!” They try and fill the children with memories, false memories. The kids are then programmed to believe what that new parent says is true. These same parents, do the same thing with friends and family of the “real” parent. Filling them with lies and tales.

Now, I understand the difference between “adoption”, and “adoption”. A touchy subject actually. When a pregnant mother, decides to give up her baby for adoption, it is done at birth. The new parents raise that child as their own child and in their own time share with that child they were adopted.

But “my kids adoption” isn't that type of adoption. This was an illegal adoption. A forced adoption, a brainwashed adoption. I believe that my kids were legally kidnapped by their father and their step mom. I believe that it was a plan all along from the very beginning of our divorce. But it didn't just start when she came into the picture, it just started to get worse once she came into the picture. He knew, from listening to his mom how to play the game. She was an alienated child. The man she called “dad” really wasn't her dad. So who was? Who alienated her from her biological dad? The story was, when her biological father found out about the pregnancy, he left her mom. But I'm just not buying that anymore. She was never close to her siblings....there is some skeletons in that family. A cycle that never stopped.

Little secrets she's told the boys. Making them believe that she's their mother, that she was the one who gave birth to them. Making them believe that “I” was never apart of their lives. She gave them middle names from her family and took away mine. Who does that?

You can't have what wasn't yours to begin with, honey! Eventually the truth will be told and the truth will set my children FREE!

The truth be told.....

This was a bill from HIS attorney. The amount I was ordered to pay for his contempt charges on me from not paying child support in 2000-2002.

This is the original order.

This is the annual payment  I had to make to the Kane County child support division. So I was paying them to process my child support. This is standard procedure.

Setting it free

Being alienated from your kids isn't something that everyone will understand. Heck, sometimes we don't believe that it is true. We find ourselves in situations were we are embarrassed to talk about it when asked the dreaded question “do you have kids?” For me, it's a huge ordeal! I usually look away from the person who asks me, I don't make eye contact and I say, “yes, I have 4 boys!” If I'm lucky, all I get is, “wow, you must have your hands full?” My usual reply is, “you have no idea!” Then I try to remove myself from the conversation as quickly as possible. I will pretend I need to answer my phone, or a I slip off to the bathroom. I really do need to come up with a better system!

The conversation about my kids truly is something I don't share with just anyone. If I am just meeting someone, it isn't the first thing I bring up. It is just a conversation that I choose to share carefully. It usually takes me a while before I decide to share information about my situation with people I just meet. I don't want them to get the wrong impression of me from the beginning of the relationship. I have to feel these people out. See if they are trustworthy, compassionate and most of all nonjudgmental. For the most part, I can say, I have met more people with compassion, then those who don't want to believe me.

In 2010, when I first started sharing my story, I wasn't trying to gain sympathy from my readers, my family or friends. I was just trying to share my story and get that burden off my shoulders. I was however, hoping that when my family and extended family read my story, they would see it from my point of view and not believe what they have been told. Yes, there are two sides to every story, and of course, the person telling the story is sure that there's is the right story and you should believe what they are telling you is the truth. However, if the person telling that story can't back up the claims in that story they are telling, then more then likely that story they are feeding you is made up of lies!

I have never shared this with you, but I now will: After I would type of my story for the day, my coworkers would want to read the latest chapter, so one of them would print it off and pass it around. The day after I received a nasty email from one of my facebook friends (who was immediately deleted)

telling me how horrible I was, and how she could never give up her daughter, how she worked 2 jobs just to support her....ya, ya I get it! Anyway, I of course emailed her right back and expressed to her how she did what she had to do in HER situation. Mine was different, etc.

Anyhow, I overheard one of my co-workers tell another that she didn't believe a word I said, and she s thought the girl who emailed me that horrible letter was right on the money! I kid you not! I was stunned! I so badly wanted to march right up to her and let her know that I heard everything she just said and I didn't appreciate it. But, because I wasn't an actual employee there and worked for Pathgroup, I decided to keep my mouth shut. But, I did confront the other employee whom the other one told....I didn't care if she shared it with the other employee either. So up until the day I left that office in July of 2011, I kept this to myself! It's so sad to actually say I witnessed with my own eyes and ears the betrayal of who I thought was a friend. She was the only one that made that type of remark towards me and about my story. (as far as I know) I truly believe that I did make some life long friends in that office. I still talk to them to this day. They are truly friends! Miss you, you know who you are! :)

“Well, how do you know that what I have been sharing with you all this time is the truth?” My story has never changed from day one, that's how! Everything I have shared with you has been consistent. It has matched up with the statistics of Parental Alienation.

See, when someone doesn't want to hear the truth, or believe what they are hearing or seeing, they can't make themselves feel compassion for that person. They are blind to the pain of the other person.

I guess, people are going to believe what they want to believe, until they are up close and personal to the truth! ...and sometimes, that isn't even enough!

I wanted to add more to my story, but wasn't sure if I was ready to do that.

After much thought and consideration, I have decided to share detailed emails communications, letters and court documents that I have collected during the course of my divorce.

Here you will be able to put it all together from what I shared with you in my story. I wish I would have

added these in with the chapters as I talked about them But, believe me, it will all come back to you.

However, to protect the well fare of my being I will have to block out the other parties names for legal reasons.

First I will begin with a letter that I found from “his” first affair. This was written while he was in CA...after Cody was born. Then I will share a letter that his mom wrote to him about me.

I am going to try my hardest to share everything in sequence to my story.

If you look back to the beginning of my story, you will see that I mentioned both of these letters.

Ahhhh, the truth shall set you free!

This is a letter from a mother to her son. (his mom) this is what brain
washing looks like.

This is a letter he wrote during his first affair. He was in Ca at the time. Notice all the markings, remember I said I wrote her a letter. Well I was asking about those areas.I also TRIED using this in court, but got denied.

I am a proud Mama

I can't help but think about what Cody is going through while he is adjusting to his first few days being away from “home” and being on his own. Although he isn't alone, he probably will feel like he might be in the weeks ahead of him. Even with 100 other recruits surrounding him. In the weeks ahead, he will change into a different person. In thirteen weeks he will no longer be Cody the civilian, he will become Cody the Marine. But this process for him and all the recruits will be a long one, filled with good and bad times. Filled with highs and lows. Filled with sickness and regret.

I have been so lucky to find so many things online regarding boot camp and information about what he is experiencing. I have been able to share my support by posting things I find on my 4 ever their mom facebook page. This is the ONLY way I can show my support for Cody. Show him that I love him and I am his biggest fan sitting on the sidelines cheering him on.

Being able to have and share even the smallest bit of information makes me feel like I have some form of connection to him and with him. Something that can't be taken away from me.

It is no secret, I am so happy he is no longer under the control and influence of his dad or step mom.

I am so glad he chose this path to take. It shows he is strong willed and not afraid to try new things. He's not afraid of a challenge. (He must get that from me)

It is really hard to sit back and NOT write him a letter. But trust me, if I could I would! They haven't been able to send the first letter home yet....but so bad I wish the letter home would be to me. I am always hopeful.

Although I have always been one to support our troops and show compassion for the military. It's nothing that I ever really thought about much. The first 4 years of my marriage to Cody's dad, I lived and breathed military. When he (his dad) was away at boot camp I was always writing him letters. I dreamed of a life when we were together as a family and all the boot camp and distance was behind us. When he finally finished his year long unaccompanied tour in Japan, we moved to Jacksonville, North Carolina, right outside of Camp Lejuene. This is were I had my first taste of being a military wife and living the military life. At that time, it was just another milestone in our lives. Things I should have embraced and held onto I didn't. I have memories of that time in my life, some good and some not so good.

I will always have a connection to Jacksonville. I spent 2 years of my life there. Brandon was born there..and this is where I was on my own for the very first time. My first home with Cody was in Jacksonville. I remember going through the gates of the base and seeing the Marines running in formation...I would always roll down my window just so I could here them chanting a military song as they ran. I loved that, and thought it was so cool.

I remember going shopping at the PX with Cody and buying him a hat that says “future Marine” on it and shirts that say “my dad is a US Marine.”

As I think about that time in my life, I can't help but think that Cody was with me while I listened to those Marines run and chant. He was with me when I bought that hat and t-shirts for him to wear and support his daddy. He walked on the grounds of Camp Lejuene as a little guy hand in hand with his dad.

Little did I know this was is future. This was his path to take.

I am a proud of my son, Cody.

I love you and Semper Fi!

Hello God, are you kidding me?

On January 29^th, 2011 the Order of Protection from 2009 expired. I was FREE! My oldest son was FREE! Or so I thought. It defiantly hasn't been the reunion I had hoped it would be. It wasn't what I dreamed of or envisioned in my head. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I didn't think it would be so hard either. What was I thinking?

After the OP expired, I knew that I still needed to be careful, but didn't need to walk on eggshells either.

Although I had the 2 warrants outstanding in Illinois, I still felt like I was being monitored. That was the reason for me not attending my oldest son's graduation. I didn't feel the need to make a scene on his big day. Even though I knew I wouldn't be the one to make the scene, they would just to be ugly. That's just who they are. To them, nailing me to my own cross on graduation day in front of Cody, that would have been the highlight of the day. Not the graduation.

Since then, we really haven't had any contact. It has been relatively quiet. Which always drives me crazy. It's the silence that scares me more then anything. Their silence. I don't know what they have planned. If they are hiding and lurking about. I'm paranoid I guess. But, I am always looking around, questioning weird out of the ordinary things. Like why is that blue truck following me? Or was it following me? Why does this guy keep looking at me? Who keeps driving past my house? Seriously, these things run through my head. All. The. Time.

After moving to Ga, I've been less paranoid. But any odd car that does drive slow past our house, I tend to silently freak out. Like a week or two after we moved in, a man drove down our street, stopped in front of our house, got out of his truck and took a picture. I saw him from my bedroom window. What the crap was that? Did they find out I moved? Did they want to see where I was living? How I was living? Again, freaked me out. That same fear from living in Alabama followed me right to Ga. Crap, how did they know I moved? And, who was the guy in the truck taking a picture of our new house?

Come to find out, it was just the insurance adjuster taking a picture for our insurance. But see, that is how I live. This is why I left Dundee when I did way back in 2000. I feared for my life. I honestly didn't trust them. They are the type of family that would hire a hitman and not think twice about it. I am not joking! And this is where my kids are growing up. This is the type of men they are raising my children to be. Very sad!

A few months ago, we had, what I thought was a breakthrough with my oldest son. I created a facebook page titled 4 ever their mom. On it I was going to share my thoughts about my life without my kids. The struggles, the sadness...the pain I feel sometimes not being able to raise my kids. I wanted to share past memories with the hopes that it would reach them. It did exactly what I wanted it to do. But as far as I know, only my oldest has looked at it. He made a few comments on it stating that “it's stupid” told me that I do it just so people would feel sorry for me. But that is not why I did it. I did it just to get what I wanted it to do...and it worked. He looked, and still looks to this day. But he hasn't made a comment since September. That's when it all actually began. But it didn't last long at all. Just a few comments and then he was done. So I made it even more tempting for him. I posted old pictures on it from the life we had. The memories, the good times...the happy times. I wanted it to get at him. I wanted it to be so irresistible it killed him not to look to see what I posted next. I wanted it to tear at his heart strings. Did it? I may never know.

His comments, I'd like to think was his way of reaching out. I think that at that time he wanted to tell me something. He wanted to talk. I think he just didn't know how or where to begin. Or someone was interfering with his decision to call me. Or all of the above. But deep down I knew he needed to tell me something. He wanted to talk. I just wish he would have.

That same month, in September, I was trying to settle in our new home. Painting, unpacking and getting things nestled away in the proper places. His comments on 4 ever their mom gave me hope and motivation. I sent him a nice email inviting him to Thanksgiving at our house. All expenses paid. I wanted him home. I was hopeful! No response. But that didn't break me. I just knew he was waiting for that perfect moment to call. I was hoping it would have been soon. I was waiting for something that never happened.

During this time, I learned that he joined the Marine Corp. He enlisted in August, around the 4^th or so.

It is amazing when you just google search something, you find out a ton of things. It doesn't hurt that I know a few people up their neck of the woods either! I get by with a little help from my friends...isn't that the way the song goes? Anyway, when I first heard of the news, I cried. It was a roller coaster of emotions. I didn't know what to think. It took me a while, then I knew this was the best thing for him. He was getting out of the cult he was trapped in. This was a good thing! A great thing! I instantly felt proud. I needed to know more...so back to the research lab I went. Trying to find out as much information as I could. (thanks to another friend) I found out who his recruiter was/is, and found out he would be going to boot camp in April 2012 in San Diego. I never spoke to the recruiter ….all was found out on the WWW! Gotta love it! They probably scratch their heads in wonder. You can't hide everything.

At the moment I let the sadness leave me, I allowed the joy and happiness in. I was a proud mom. Although he didn't know it. But I was. I was the mother of a military son. Never knew how something like that would feel. Was I suppose to feel happy about the fact that he followed in his dads footsteps?

I wrinkle my nose at the thought sometimes, that “yea, he followed in his dads footsteps!” But hopefully he won't make the same mistakes that his dad did while serving our country. Maybe he didn't tell him that when he joined in 1992, he went in as a Private First Class but 4 years later was discharged as a Private. He just couldn't keep his pants on. Literally! Hopefully he told his son all the right things to do. Not what he did. He basically pissed 4 years of a military career away for one night with a women who cried rape. To this day I wish I hadn't tried to save his butt from serving time in the brigg. If I had, I wouldn't being sharing this with you now. I'd have my sons...

Even though, deep down I am so proud of him (my son) I am also very scared for him too. I remember the toll it took on his dad during boot camp. I remember the person who left and the person he came back to be.

Being in the service changes a person. For his dad, it didn't do him any good, obviously. But for this new recruit, I hope it changes his life for the better.

Most recently, I learned that his leave for boot camp was changed to January 17^th. I don't know why it changed, it just did. ( I bet they are trying to figure out who or how I am getting this information, and I hope it's driving them crazy!)

Anyway, in November, he turned 19. A Happy Birthday text was sent. And a few texts back and forth...but nothing to get to excited about. One morning, a few weeks ago my sister called me. Told me that HE tried to call her. She missed the call but immediately called him back. When he picked up the phone he just said “bla bla bla bla bla!” and hung up. I sent him a text....reminding him he called not her...and when answering the phone it's polite to say hello....not bla bla bla bla! He texted back saying he never called....etc. After that encounter that's all we heard from him. That was in the beginning of December.

A week before Christmas, I sent him a text, telling him I will be in Kankakee over the Christmas Holiday and I would love for him to come down and visit. I said there is family that would also like to see you and I would love to meet your girlfriend. I ended the text love you-mom.

He texted back ...Angela? I said no, love mom...Angela is your mom.

This was the last text conversation we had.

Christmas came and went. I was in Chicago only 100 miles or less from them and I can't even see them. I wasn't going to bother him again ….and I didn't. He knew where I was and how to reach me. I left the ball in his court.

December 29^th at about 930 in the am...I got a call from an 847 area code. It was a Detective with the Kane County Sheriff department....said that my son filed a complaint and that I was in violation of a court ordered Order of Protection. I explained to the detective that I have never been served with this extended order...(which expires in 2075) and that I only knew of the one from 2009 and that expired Jan 29 at midnight 2011. She went on to say she is looking at it in front of her. I told her that OP's don't get extended for longer periods then 2 years...she said this is what it says. I told her that he's 19 and he's an adult in Illinois...she said it didn't matter and that he was still under the old one as long as his name was on it and he didn't remove it. I have to say she was friendly. I told her I don't have the order...and as far as it was concerned the old one expired. She was going to find out why I didn't get served and get back with me.

After about 3 hours, she did. I was right, I was never served with the “extended OP” which expires in 2075. Are you kidding me? I will be dead. Boy, those people are relentless. They don't want those boys to ever reconcile with me....ever! They want to dictate what they boys do until they are in their 80's really? I will be 102 if not dead. That is just insult to injury......it's stupid! After a certain age those kids should be able to make a decision on their own. You mean to tell me that even after “the parent's” are dead...the kids still can't talk to me? You guys are ignorant....very ignorant! Your a cult...controlling the life of 4 people. No wonder he joined the Marine Corp. It's probably a better environment then in the home he lives in. And from what I've seen...and things I know...crawling through a muddy swamp is cleaner then the trash whole you live in. Get out while you can....all of you!

…...Excuse me, I needed to vent!

The nice detective told me that I would be getting served with in the next week or so. GREAT! But if I needed to ask her any questions, just to feel free to call her. Really? Should I ask her out for lunch too. Sorry lady...your not who I want to talk too!

So I will wait until I get the latest OP delivered into my hands before I decide what to do. I most certainly don't want this weighing me down for 63 years......and I don't want that to be a road block between me and my kids for the next 63 years.... That's crazy! But I know for a fact that if I do have it dismissed...they will file another one for another two years. ….They won't stop!

2075...makes me laugh! Makes me realize how stupid and ignorant those people really are. Their cult makes all the other cults, look like a Sandles getaway!