Friday, February 24, 2012

The missing piece.....

Everyday, I always wake up with a positive attitude. I wake up happy. I thank God that he got me up and started me on my way. But he never said it would be an easy day. God doesn't give us what we can't handle, right? Well, I believe that! I also believe that he puts us in situations for reasons. I don't know how those situations will end up, but he does. I just wish sometimes he will give me a sign as to how mine is going to end.

A few weeks ago, I ran into Office Max to make some copies of the Order of Protection for my attorney. I knew I was just going to run in and out, so I left my phone in the car. When I got to the car, I noticed I had a missed call. When I looked to see where the call came from, it said “pay phone.”
There was no number and no voice mail left. My first thought was, OMG, it was Cody calling me.
This was still in the processing stage of boot camp, so I was hopeful. I have not had another “pay phone” call since then and I never had one before that either. So I will believe in my heart that it was him.

That night, I had a dream about Cody. In my dream, I saw him standing by the pay phone....I saw him waiting for me to pick up the phone, I saw the eagerness as he was being screamed at by the drill sergeant as he looked on over his shoulder (something that I am sure he was use to when he was able to talk to me on the phone) and after the phone rang, and there was no answer, he was made to hang up.

Since this was still the processing stage/maybe even two weeks after arrival of boot camp, I was also searching really hard to find out all I could about whatever I could. This dream was sweet and pleasant. He wasn't ugly, verbally...he was just desperate to tell me something. But even though I didn't answer that call, something he told me in that dream stuck with me. He revealed to me his platoon number.
The only person I told was my mother in law. I shared with her the details of the dream. I told her that Cody told me he was in platoon 1046.

Then about 2 weeks ago, a group was created on Facebook, MCRD 1st BN Charlie Co~April 13, 2012
I joined that group right away. Parents were sharing the names of there sons in boot camp and sharing the platoon numbers and sharing all the excitement of receiving letters from their recruits. I shared that I won't receive a letter, I didn't know his platoon. All I had was his name and where he was from.
So that is what I told them. Someone commented and asked me why I won't hear from him...
I gave a brief reason why, I was an alienated mom.... and that set off a whole reaction in the group.

One of the parents sent a special request asking all the parents to ask their recruits to find out what platoon Cody was in. When I saw that, I was excited! I was happy to see how they cared enough to help, even though I didn't ask them too. They took it upon themselves to do this for me. I was grateful!
Then, no sooner I hit the “post” button, telling them thank you, I noticed someone on the feed said
“thanks for the info ________.” ( guess who's name appears in the blank spot? Yep, step moms)
Funny, how she changed it too ...Like that's not obvious!

Anyway, I panicked! I removed myself from that group immediately. Something I shouldn't have just goes to show how much power and control I allowed her to have over me again.
Then, I thought, heck with it, I am going to ask to rejoin that group. I didn't do anything or say anything wrong. I had every right to be a part of that group. After all, I am his biological mom. He is 19 years old, and they can't run his life or mine anymore. So I sent another request to join.
Then after about a week of not getting my request noticed, I sent the admin a message asking her why I haven't been accepted back into the group. She never replied to my email, but she added me to the group! Phew! So now, I am back in.

Funny, the same day/time she added me, I noticed she added Cody's girlfriend too.
Of course I can't see that, I noticed someone welcomed us to the group and used our names. CRAP!!!
I can't see what they post, or when they post or when they are online...just like they can't when I'm on.
I don't post anything anymore....just to be on the safe side.

Funny how 3 people who know Cody, are in the group. 2 of us truly love and care for him and his well being. 1 of us doesn't. 1 of us only care about the bragging rights!
Only one of us has his best interest at heart, and doesn't matter who he loves or who he talks too.
I don't care if he wants to love his step mom....he's free to do so. I just don't like that SHE makes him feel like he can't be free to love me, his mother. That's the difference between the mom and the step mom.

Kinda just like the story in the Bible.

As I scan through the group, I can't help but notice all the parents that are always so excited to receive letters from their sons. I so badly wish I could join them in that excitement. I wish I could share with them more about how it feels not to receive a letter. So bad I want to share in the excitement of making graduation plans in April with them. The women in the group have a bond, they have all connected.
I feel that they all know who I am, and are told to “watch out!” Believe me, I am sure she sent out a mass email to all of them in the group and told them NOT to give me any information. And the sad thing is, they all believed her. Scary how much power this women has over a group of 80 people.
One mom had posted a few hours ago how it's going to be a huge sob fest when they all meet at graduation. They are going to cry when they see their sons, when they see who they have bonded with in the group and when they say good bye. Ahhhh, if they only knew how sad I actually am without that letter, the excitement of looking forward to graduation, or the hug they will all get from their sons.
Wonder how that will feel?

I believe that things will change for the good. God promises that. I believe that he his working on something good for me. That dream revealed to me a number that I needed to put that last piece of the puzzle together. That number was confirmed to me just this week. That has God written all over it.

See what she doesn't understand, is that God will always restore a broken heart and a broken family to those who love him! God knows which mother really loves her son....the one who doesn't want to harm him, but to let him be who he wants to be, love who he wants to love and be FREE from influence. I don't want to keep Cody from his dad his step mom or that family. I want him, and all my kids to know that they are loved by a lot of people, and I want them to have the freedom to love all of us too.

I also want them to know, you can't keep apart what is meant to be together. Just let us love the boys and let them love us. Let us have a life together and let the kids have a family, a whole family, including you, that love them. Kids need both parents in their lives.

Why do you want so badly for them to be sad, and hurt and have unanswered questions and broken hearts? Don't fool yourself into thinking they are OK? Because no kid who is forced away from a parent who they had a relationship with, is ever OK! EVER!

No comments:

Post a Comment