The missing piece.....

Everyday, I always wake up with a positive attitude. I wake up happy. I thank God that he got me up and started me on my way. But he never said it would be an easy day. God doesn't give us what we can't handle, right? Well, I believe that! I also believe that he puts us in situations for reasons. I don't know how those situations will end up, but he does. I just wish sometimes he will give me a sign as to how mine is going to end.

A few weeks ago, I ran into Office Max to make some copies of the Order of Protection for my attorney. I knew I was just going to run in and out, so I left my phone in the car. When I got to the car, I noticed I had a missed call. When I looked to see where the call came from, it said “pay phone.”

There was no number and no voice mail left. My first thought was, OMG, it was Cody calling me.

This was still in the processing stage of boot camp, so I was hopeful. I have not had another “pay phone” call since then and I never had one before that either. So I will believe in my heart that it was him.

That night, I had a dream about Cody. In my dream, I saw him standing by the pay phone....I saw him waiting for me to pick up the phone, I saw the eagerness as he was being screamed at by the drill sergeant as he looked on over his shoulder (something that I am sure he was use to when he was able to talk to me on the phone) and after the phone rang, and there was no answer, he was made to hang up.

Since this was still the processing stage/maybe even two weeks after arrival of boot camp, I was also searching really hard to find out all I could about whatever I could. This dream was sweet and pleasant. He wasn't ugly, verbally...he was just desperate to tell me something. But even though I didn't answer that call, something he told me in that dream stuck with me. He revealed to me his platoon number.

The only person I told was my mother in law. I shared with her the details of the dream. I told her that Cody told me he was in platoon 1046.

Then about 2 weeks ago, a group was created on Facebook, MCRD 1^st BN Charlie Co~April 13, 2012

I joined that group right away. Parents were sharing the names of there sons in boot camp and sharing the platoon numbers and sharing all the excitement of receiving letters from their recruits. I shared that I won't receive a letter, I didn't know his platoon. All I had was his name and where he was from.

So that is what I told them. Someone commented and asked me why I won't hear from him...

I gave a brief reason why, I was an alienated mom.... and that set off a whole reaction in the group.

One of the parents sent a special request asking all the parents to ask their recruits to find out what platoon Cody was in. When I saw that, I was excited! I was happy to see how they cared enough to help, even though I didn't ask them too. They took it upon themselves to do this for me. I was grateful!

Then, no sooner I hit the “post” button, telling them thank you, I noticed someone on the feed said

“thanks for the info ________.” ( guess who's name appears in the blank spot? Yep, step moms)

Funny, how she changed it too ...Like that's not obvious!

Anyway, I panicked! I removed myself from that group immediately. Something I shouldn't have done..it just goes to show how much power and control I allowed her to have over me again.

Then, I thought, heck with it, I am going to ask to rejoin that group. I didn't do anything or say anything wrong. I had every right to be a part of that group. After all, I am his biological mom. He is 19 years old, and they can't run his life or mine anymore. So I sent another request to join.

Then after about a week of not getting my request noticed, I sent the admin a message asking her why I haven't been accepted back into the group. She never replied to my email, but she added me to the group! Phew! So now, I am back in.

Funny, the same day/time she added me, I noticed she added Cody's girlfriend too.

Of course I can't see that, I noticed someone welcomed us to the group and used our names. CRAP!!!

I can't see what they post, or when they post or when they are online...just like they can't when I'm on.

I don't post anything anymore....just to be on the safe side.

Funny how 3 people who know Cody, are in the group. 2 of us truly love and care for him and his well being. 1 of us doesn't. 1 of us only care about the bragging rights!

Only one of us has his best interest at heart, and doesn't matter who he loves or who he talks too.

I don't care if he wants to love his step mom....he's free to do so. I just don't like that SHE makes him feel like he can't be free to love me, his mother. That's the difference between the mom and the step mom.

Kinda just like the story in the Bible.

As I scan through the group, I can't help but notice all the parents that are always so excited to receive letters from their sons. I so badly wish I could join them in that excitement. I wish I could share with them more about how it feels not to receive a letter. So bad I want to share in the excitement of making graduation plans in April with them. The women in the group have a bond, they have all connected.

I feel that they all know who I am, and are told to “watch out!” Believe me, I am sure she sent out a mass email to all of them in the group and told them NOT to give me any information. And the sad thing is, they all believed her. Scary how much power this women has over a group of 80 people.

One mom had posted a few hours ago how it's going to be a huge sob fest when they all meet at graduation. They are going to cry when they see their sons, when they see who they have bonded with in the group and when they say good bye. Ahhhh, if they only knew how sad I actually am without that letter, the excitement of looking forward to graduation, or the hug they will all get from their sons.

Wonder how that will feel?

I believe that things will change for the good. God promises that. I believe that he his working on something good for me. That dream revealed to me a number that I needed to put that last piece of the puzzle together. That number was confirmed to me just this week. That has God written all over it.

See what she doesn't understand, is that God will always restore a broken heart and a broken family to those who love him! God knows which mother really loves her son....the one who doesn't want to harm him, but to let him be who he wants to be, love who he wants to love and be FREE from influence. I don't want to keep Cody from his dad his step mom or that family. I want him, and all my kids to know that they are loved by a lot of people, and I want them to have the freedom to love all of us too.

I also want them to know, you can't keep apart what is meant to be together. Just let us love the boys and let them love us. Let us have a life together and let the kids have a family, a whole family, including you, that love them. Kids need both parents in their lives.

Why do you want so badly for them to be sad, and hurt and have unanswered questions and broken hearts? Don't fool yourself into thinking they are OK? Because no kid who is forced away from a parent who they had a relationship with, is ever OK! EVER!

The fantasy birth mom....

Recently I saw a post in a Parental Alienation group that I am in and it read:

“ what about parental fantasy syndrome” you know, when other people steal others babies (children) and pretend that they are theirs. Most commonly known as adoption.”

Before I relinquished my rights, I thought long and hard about the consequences. I thought about what others will think. I thought about what my life will be like if I didn't have my kids with me forever. I thought, what am I really giving up? I only had every other weekend and 5 weeks in summer, and ½ Christmas and every other holiday...when he didn't hide them from me, or fabricate an abuse story.

I thought of how it will effect me, mentally and emotionally. How will my family handle this? Most of all, what will the boys actually think? What will they tell them? How will this effect them now, and in the long run. I was truly convinced that once Cody was of age, and when he was out of high school, he would come back into my life. I was confident! We had a good loving, mother and son relationship. But, I was sadly mistaken. I didn't see the big picture. I didn't think that they could brainwash him all that bad and that he would believe them. Once again, I was mistaken.

I didn't really have a lot of time to actually think about it, really. My attorney at the time was pressuring me to “make a decision” so the paperwork can be completed and they can get started. I didn't want to do it until after my August visit in 2008. I wanted to have my kids with me one last time. But like always I was persuaded to forfeit that visitation because the boys' father didn't think that it would be a good idea. That saying goodbye would just be to hard. No, what he didn't want was for me to actually explain to the boys what was actually going down, and didn't want them to know the truth.

I sent my attorney the email, letting her know my reservations about the relinquishment, and I expressed to her that if the step mom was to adopt my kids, which was brought up in the many conversations we had, I told her that I didn't want her to adopt my kids. She told me that by law, after I sign the papers, she has the right to adopt them. I said fine, then I offered to her the option of open adoption. She once again, in her lawyer lingo convinced me that it was not an option.

3 strikes, I’m out!

On August 13, 2008 I signed the rights to my children away. It is not a moment that I am proud of. It isn't a moment any parent should ever have to face. It isn't something that should actually be aloud to happen, unless that parent is legally hospitalized and no longer able to care for themselves. I don't even know if that is even something to even think about either. Nonetheless, no parent should ever be faced with having to relinquish their rights away to their kids because they are being forced too. But sometimes, Parental Alienation forces a loving parent to do things they are not willing to do. Especially when the judges and attorney's don't care as long as they get their pockets full of money. The best interest of the children doesn't matter to the judges and attorney's and obviously it doesn't matter to the parents who have finally got what the wanted.

I thought after the papers were signed, I was going to be left alone. I didn't want to be reminded of this horrible thing that I just did. This nightmare that I was living, or the people that did this to me. But I started receiving letters in mail from HIS attorney, giving me “updates” on the progress of the adoption.

I didn't need to hear it, see it or relive it. I didn't want to know when it was happening, I didn't need to know when it was happening. But for some reason, it was all part of the sick plan....I guess they just needed to kick me while I was down. Well, it worked. Finally I wrote his attorney a letter asking them to please stop torturing me with all the sad details of the adoption. But it was one letter that actually sent me over the edge. (again, all part of sticking the knife in a little deeper) I received a letter in the mail, stating that the step-mom was changing the boys middle names. But that wasn't the worst of it, when I read that she was actually removing Austin's middle name, which was Jeffery, totally out of his name, that was the stab in the heart that really killed me. Jeffery was after my dad. His papa!

What type of sick people do that to kids? Who changes a child's name? Who takes away a child's identity?

People who live in a fantasy world, that's who! These people brainwash themselves into believing that these kids they have adopted are actually their biological children. They convince themselves they were at the birth. They can “remember the day!” They try and fill the children with memories, false memories. The kids are then programmed to believe what that new parent says is true. These same parents, do the same thing with friends and family of the “real” parent. Filling them with lies and tales.

Now, I understand the difference between “adoption”, and “adoption”. A touchy subject actually. When a pregnant mother, decides to give up her baby for adoption, it is done at birth. The new parents raise that child as their own child and in their own time share with that child they were adopted.

But “my kids adoption” isn't that type of adoption. This was an illegal adoption. A forced adoption, a brainwashed adoption. I believe that my kids were legally kidnapped by their father and their step mom. I believe that it was a plan all along from the very beginning of our divorce. But it didn't just start when she came into the picture, it just started to get worse once she came into the picture. He knew, from listening to his mom how to play the game. She was an alienated child. The man she called “dad” really wasn't her dad. So who was? Who alienated her from her biological dad? The story was, when her biological father found out about the pregnancy, he left her mom. But I'm just not buying that anymore. She was never close to her siblings....there is some skeletons in that family. A cycle that never stopped.

Little secrets she's told the boys. Making them believe that she's their mother, that she was the one who gave birth to them. Making them believe that “I” was never apart of their lives. She gave them middle names from her family and took away mine. Who does that?

You can't have what wasn't yours to begin with, honey! Eventually the truth will be told and the truth will set my children FREE!

The truth be told.....

This was a bill from HIS attorney. The amount I was ordered to pay for his contempt charges on me from not paying child support in 2000-2002.

This is the original order.

This is the annual payment  I had to make to the Kane County child support division. So I was paying them to process my child support. This is standard procedure.

Setting it free

Being alienated from your kids isn't something that everyone will understand. Heck, sometimes we don't believe that it is true. We find ourselves in situations were we are embarrassed to talk about it when asked the dreaded question “do you have kids?” For me, it's a huge ordeal! I usually look away from the person who asks me, I don't make eye contact and I say, “yes, I have 4 boys!” If I'm lucky, all I get is, “wow, you must have your hands full?” My usual reply is, “you have no idea!” Then I try to remove myself from the conversation as quickly as possible. I will pretend I need to answer my phone, or a I slip off to the bathroom. I really do need to come up with a better system!

The conversation about my kids truly is something I don't share with just anyone. If I am just meeting someone, it isn't the first thing I bring up. It is just a conversation that I choose to share carefully. It usually takes me a while before I decide to share information about my situation with people I just meet. I don't want them to get the wrong impression of me from the beginning of the relationship. I have to feel these people out. See if they are trustworthy, compassionate and most of all nonjudgmental. For the most part, I can say, I have met more people with compassion, then those who don't want to believe me.

In 2010, when I first started sharing my story, I wasn't trying to gain sympathy from my readers, my family or friends. I was just trying to share my story and get that burden off my shoulders. I was however, hoping that when my family and extended family read my story, they would see it from my point of view and not believe what they have been told. Yes, there are two sides to every story, and of course, the person telling the story is sure that there's is the right story and you should believe what they are telling you is the truth. However, if the person telling that story can't back up the claims in that story they are telling, then more then likely that story they are feeding you is made up of lies!

I have never shared this with you, but I now will: After I would type of my story for the day, my coworkers would want to read the latest chapter, so one of them would print it off and pass it around. The day after I received a nasty email from one of my facebook friends (who was immediately deleted)

telling me how horrible I was, and how she could never give up her daughter, how she worked 2 jobs just to support her....ya, ya I get it! Anyway, I of course emailed her right back and expressed to her how she did what she had to do in HER situation. Mine was different, etc.

Anyhow, I overheard one of my co-workers tell another that she didn't believe a word I said, and she s thought the girl who emailed me that horrible letter was right on the money! I kid you not! I was stunned! I so badly wanted to march right up to her and let her know that I heard everything she just said and I didn't appreciate it. But, because I wasn't an actual employee there and worked for Pathgroup, I decided to keep my mouth shut. But, I did confront the other employee whom the other one told....I didn't care if she shared it with the other employee either. So up until the day I left that office in July of 2011, I kept this to myself! It's so sad to actually say I witnessed with my own eyes and ears the betrayal of who I thought was a friend. She was the only one that made that type of remark towards me and about my story. (as far as I know) I truly believe that I did make some life long friends in that office. I still talk to them to this day. They are truly friends! Miss you, you know who you are! :)

“Well, how do you know that what I have been sharing with you all this time is the truth?” My story has never changed from day one, that's how! Everything I have shared with you has been consistent. It has matched up with the statistics of Parental Alienation.

See, when someone doesn't want to hear the truth, or believe what they are hearing or seeing, they can't make themselves feel compassion for that person. They are blind to the pain of the other person.

I guess, people are going to believe what they want to believe, until they are up close and personal to the truth! ...and sometimes, that isn't even enough!

I wanted to add more to my story, but wasn't sure if I was ready to do that.

After much thought and consideration, I have decided to share detailed emails communications, letters and court documents that I have collected during the course of my divorce.

Here you will be able to put it all together from what I shared with you in my story. I wish I would have

added these in with the chapters as I talked about them But, believe me, it will all come back to you.

However, to protect the well fare of my being I will have to block out the other parties names for legal reasons.

First I will begin with a letter that I found from “his” first affair. This was written while he was in CA...after Cody was born. Then I will share a letter that his mom wrote to him about me.

I am going to try my hardest to share everything in sequence to my story.

If you look back to the beginning of my story, you will see that I mentioned both of these letters.

Ahhhh, the truth shall set you free!

This is a letter from a mother to her son. (his mom) this is what brain
washing looks like.

This is a letter he wrote during his first affair. He was in Ca at the time. Notice all the markings, remember I said I wrote her a letter. Well I was asking about those areas.I also TRIED using this in court, but got denied.

I am a proud Mama

I can't help but think about what Cody is going through while he is adjusting to his first few days being away from “home” and being on his own. Although he isn't alone, he probably will feel like he might be in the weeks ahead of him. Even with 100 other recruits surrounding him. In the weeks ahead, he will change into a different person. In thirteen weeks he will no longer be Cody the civilian, he will become Cody the Marine. But this process for him and all the recruits will be a long one, filled with good and bad times. Filled with highs and lows. Filled with sickness and regret.

I have been so lucky to find so many things online regarding boot camp and information about what he is experiencing. I have been able to share my support by posting things I find on my 4 ever their mom facebook page. This is the ONLY way I can show my support for Cody. Show him that I love him and I am his biggest fan sitting on the sidelines cheering him on.

Being able to have and share even the smallest bit of information makes me feel like I have some form of connection to him and with him. Something that can't be taken away from me.

It is no secret, I am so happy he is no longer under the control and influence of his dad or step mom.

I am so glad he chose this path to take. It shows he is strong willed and not afraid to try new things. He's not afraid of a challenge. (He must get that from me)

It is really hard to sit back and NOT write him a letter. But trust me, if I could I would! They haven't been able to send the first letter home yet....but so bad I wish the letter home would be to me. I am always hopeful.

Although I have always been one to support our troops and show compassion for the military. It's nothing that I ever really thought about much. The first 4 years of my marriage to Cody's dad, I lived and breathed military. When he (his dad) was away at boot camp I was always writing him letters. I dreamed of a life when we were together as a family and all the boot camp and distance was behind us. When he finally finished his year long unaccompanied tour in Japan, we moved to Jacksonville, North Carolina, right outside of Camp Lejuene. This is were I had my first taste of being a military wife and living the military life. At that time, it was just another milestone in our lives. Things I should have embraced and held onto I didn't. I have memories of that time in my life, some good and some not so good.

I will always have a connection to Jacksonville. I spent 2 years of my life there. Brandon was born there..and this is where I was on my own for the very first time. My first home with Cody was in Jacksonville. I remember going through the gates of the base and seeing the Marines running in formation...I would always roll down my window just so I could here them chanting a military song as they ran. I loved that, and thought it was so cool.

I remember going shopping at the PX with Cody and buying him a hat that says “future Marine” on it and shirts that say “my dad is a US Marine.”

As I think about that time in my life, I can't help but think that Cody was with me while I listened to those Marines run and chant. He was with me when I bought that hat and t-shirts for him to wear and support his daddy. He walked on the grounds of Camp Lejuene as a little guy hand in hand with his dad.

Little did I know this was is future. This was his path to take.

I am a proud of my son, Cody.

I love you and Semper Fi!

Hello God, are you kidding me?

On January 29^th, 2011 the Order of Protection from 2009 expired. I was FREE! My oldest son was FREE! Or so I thought. It defiantly hasn't been the reunion I had hoped it would be. It wasn't what I dreamed of or envisioned in my head. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I didn't think it would be so hard either. What was I thinking?

After the OP expired, I knew that I still needed to be careful, but didn't need to walk on eggshells either.

Although I had the 2 warrants outstanding in Illinois, I still felt like I was being monitored. That was the reason for me not attending my oldest son's graduation. I didn't feel the need to make a scene on his big day. Even though I knew I wouldn't be the one to make the scene, they would just to be ugly. That's just who they are. To them, nailing me to my own cross on graduation day in front of Cody, that would have been the highlight of the day. Not the graduation.

Since then, we really haven't had any contact. It has been relatively quiet. Which always drives me crazy. It's the silence that scares me more then anything. Their silence. I don't know what they have planned. If they are hiding and lurking about. I'm paranoid I guess. But, I am always looking around, questioning weird out of the ordinary things. Like why is that blue truck following me? Or was it following me? Why does this guy keep looking at me? Who keeps driving past my house? Seriously, these things run through my head. All. The. Time.

After moving to Ga, I've been less paranoid. But any odd car that does drive slow past our house, I tend to silently freak out. Like a week or two after we moved in, a man drove down our street, stopped in front of our house, got out of his truck and took a picture. I saw him from my bedroom window. What the crap was that? Did they find out I moved? Did they want to see where I was living? How I was living? Again, freaked me out. That same fear from living in Alabama followed me right to Ga. Crap, how did they know I moved? And, who was the guy in the truck taking a picture of our new house?

Come to find out, it was just the insurance adjuster taking a picture for our insurance. But see, that is how I live. This is why I left Dundee when I did way back in 2000. I feared for my life. I honestly didn't trust them. They are the type of family that would hire a hitman and not think twice about it. I am not joking! And this is where my kids are growing up. This is the type of men they are raising my children to be. Very sad!

A few months ago, we had, what I thought was a breakthrough with my oldest son. I created a facebook page titled 4 ever their mom. On it I was going to share my thoughts about my life without my kids. The struggles, the sadness...the pain I feel sometimes not being able to raise my kids. I wanted to share past memories with the hopes that it would reach them. It did exactly what I wanted it to do. But as far as I know, only my oldest has looked at it. He made a few comments on it stating that “it's stupid” told me that I do it just so people would feel sorry for me. But that is not why I did it. I did it just to get what I wanted it to do...and it worked. He looked, and still looks to this day. But he hasn't made a comment since September. That's when it all actually began. But it didn't last long at all. Just a few comments and then he was done. So I made it even more tempting for him. I posted old pictures on it from the life we had. The memories, the good times...the happy times. I wanted it to get at him. I wanted it to be so irresistible it killed him not to look to see what I posted next. I wanted it to tear at his heart strings. Did it? I may never know.

His comments, I'd like to think was his way of reaching out. I think that at that time he wanted to tell me something. He wanted to talk. I think he just didn't know how or where to begin. Or someone was interfering with his decision to call me. Or all of the above. But deep down I knew he needed to tell me something. He wanted to talk. I just wish he would have.

That same month, in September, I was trying to settle in our new home. Painting, unpacking and getting things nestled away in the proper places. His comments on 4 ever their mom gave me hope and motivation. I sent him a nice email inviting him to Thanksgiving at our house. All expenses paid. I wanted him home. I was hopeful! No response. But that didn't break me. I just knew he was waiting for that perfect moment to call. I was hoping it would have been soon. I was waiting for something that never happened.

During this time, I learned that he joined the Marine Corp. He enlisted in August, around the 4^th or so.

It is amazing when you just google search something, you find out a ton of things. It doesn't hurt that I know a few people up their neck of the woods either! I get by with a little help from my friends...isn't that the way the song goes? Anyway, when I first heard of the news, I cried. It was a roller coaster of emotions. I didn't know what to think. It took me a while, then I knew this was the best thing for him. He was getting out of the cult he was trapped in. This was a good thing! A great thing! I instantly felt proud. I needed to know more...so back to the research lab I went. Trying to find out as much information as I could. (thanks to another friend) I found out who his recruiter was/is, and found out he would be going to boot camp in April 2012 in San Diego. I never spoke to the recruiter ….all was found out on the WWW! Gotta love it! They probably scratch their heads in wonder. You can't hide everything.

At the moment I let the sadness leave me, I allowed the joy and happiness in. I was a proud mom. Although he didn't know it. But I was. I was the mother of a military son. Never knew how something like that would feel. Was I suppose to feel happy about the fact that he followed in his dads footsteps?

I wrinkle my nose at the thought sometimes, that “yea, he followed in his dads footsteps!” But hopefully he won't make the same mistakes that his dad did while serving our country. Maybe he didn't tell him that when he joined in 1992, he went in as a Private First Class but 4 years later was discharged as a Private. He just couldn't keep his pants on. Literally! Hopefully he told his son all the right things to do. Not what he did. He basically pissed 4 years of a military career away for one night with a women who cried rape. To this day I wish I hadn't tried to save his butt from serving time in the brigg. If I had, I wouldn't being sharing this with you now. I'd have my sons...

Even though, deep down I am so proud of him (my son) I am also very scared for him too. I remember the toll it took on his dad during boot camp. I remember the person who left and the person he came back to be.

Being in the service changes a person. For his dad, it didn't do him any good, obviously. But for this new recruit, I hope it changes his life for the better.

Most recently, I learned that his leave for boot camp was changed to January 17^th. I don't know why it changed, it just did. ( I bet they are trying to figure out who or how I am getting this information, and I hope it's driving them crazy!)

Anyway, in November, he turned 19. A Happy Birthday text was sent. And a few texts back and forth...but nothing to get to excited about. One morning, a few weeks ago my sister called me. Told me that HE tried to call her. She missed the call but immediately called him back. When he picked up the phone he just said “bla bla bla bla bla!” and hung up. I sent him a text....reminding him he called not her...and when answering the phone it's polite to say hello....not bla bla bla bla! He texted back saying he never called....etc. After that encounter that's all we heard from him. That was in the beginning of December.

A week before Christmas, I sent him a text, telling him I will be in Kankakee over the Christmas Holiday and I would love for him to come down and visit. I said there is family that would also like to see you and I would love to meet your girlfriend. I ended the text love you-mom.

He texted back ...Angela? I said no, love mom...Angela is your mom.

This was the last text conversation we had.

Christmas came and went. I was in Chicago only 100 miles or less from them and I can't even see them. I wasn't going to bother him again ….and I didn't. He knew where I was and how to reach me. I left the ball in his court.

December 29^th at about 930 in the am...I got a call from an 847 area code. It was a Detective with the Kane County Sheriff department....said that my son filed a complaint and that I was in violation of a court ordered Order of Protection. I explained to the detective that I have never been served with this extended order...(which expires in 2075) and that I only knew of the one from 2009 and that expired Jan 29 at midnight 2011. She went on to say she is looking at it in front of her. I told her that OP's don't get extended for longer periods then 2 years...she said this is what it says. I told her that he's 19 and he's an adult in Illinois...she said it didn't matter and that he was still under the old one as long as his name was on it and he didn't remove it. I have to say she was friendly. I told her I don't have the order...and as far as it was concerned the old one expired. She was going to find out why I didn't get served and get back with me.

After about 3 hours, she did. I was right, I was never served with the “extended OP” which expires in 2075. Are you kidding me? I will be dead. Boy, those people are relentless. They don't want those boys to ever reconcile with me....ever! They want to dictate what they boys do until they are in their 80's really? I will be 102 if not dead. That is just insult to injury......it's stupid! After a certain age those kids should be able to make a decision on their own. You mean to tell me that even after “the parent's” are dead...the kids still can't talk to me? You guys are ignorant....very ignorant! Your a cult...controlling the life of 4 people. No wonder he joined the Marine Corp. It's probably a better environment then in the home he lives in. And from what I've seen...and things I know...crawling through a muddy swamp is cleaner then the trash whole you live in. Get out while you can....all of you!

…...Excuse me, I needed to vent!

The nice detective told me that I would be getting served with in the next week or so. GREAT! But if I needed to ask her any questions, just to feel free to call her. Really? Should I ask her out for lunch too. Sorry lady...your not who I want to talk too!

So I will wait until I get the latest OP delivered into my hands before I decide what to do. I most certainly don't want this weighing me down for 63 years......and I don't want that to be a road block between me and my kids for the next 63 years.... That's crazy! But I know for a fact that if I do have it dismissed...they will file another one for another two years. ….They won't stop!

2075...makes me laugh! Makes me realize how stupid and ignorant those people really are. Their cult makes all the other cults, look like a Sandles getaway!

A not so happy anniversary.....

Well, tomorrow will mark the 3 year anniversary that I signed the relinquishment papers to terminate my parental rights to my kids. Thanks to the judges, attorney's and the relentless desire from their father, step mom and grandmother to destroy my life and the lives of 4 innocent children,

Our lives will forever be changed. Our lives haven't been the same since that day. I know mine hasn't, and I can only imagine what they have been feeling.

So, what has happened in the 3 years since the justice system failed me and my kids? Well, I am still here, alive a kicking. I am still a mom. I still wake up everyday to the memories of what was. I still wake up with a smile, a laugh and a spirit that won't let the memory die. I wake up knowing that today might be the day that I will hear from Cody. I wake up hopeful that someone else will give me the little push and encouragement I need to keep fighting this fight.

I found an advocacy group. I realized I am not alone. I realized that there are so many other “moms” out there that are waking up with the same broken heart as I am. I realized that I have strength and resilience. I learned how to share my story without feeling like I am going to be judged. I learned who I can and can't trust. I've learned to be patient. I've learned that road blocks have detours and that I have choices, and the road blocks are just “blocks” that can be moved. I've learned who my “real” friends are and who my “real” family is. I've learned to share what I need to and keep quiet when I need to as well. (this, I am still working on) But over all I have learned that I still love my kids. I always will. They bring me joy, happiness and fill my heart everyday with laughter. It's because of them I keep going. It's because of them I have the strength to move forward, stay positive and keep the hope alive that someday the words I share with all of you will somehow get to them.

I wrote a blog. I shared personal and intimate information with the world. I opened up my heart and soul with strangers, family and friends. I made contact with Cody (well, not verbal/one on one) but I know he's hurting, I know he wants to talk to me, but he's being denied that right. I was offered free help. I have 2 warrants. I was served with a restraining order for calling my son on his 16^th birthday. I violated that OP, not once but 2x......bla bla bla! The restraining order expired. Then it got extended, then it didn't. Then I had a 3^rd violation, then I didn't. (And the OP is long gone...for good this time.) or so I've been told.

I ordered pictures of Cody's prom and lacrosse. I tried to order the graduation pictures but those got intercepted by the “step-mom” and the company removed the pictures from their website and refunded my money. That was a HUGE disappointment, but I still got the prom and lacrosse ones. HUGE SMILES! I learned Cody has had a steady girlfriend and her name is Malorie. She looks like a beautiful young lady and they make a cute couple. My mom attended Cody's graduation and was able to talk to him. She even video taped it for me so I can watch it when I want too.

Then my cousin said Cody called her and wanted my moms information......but I don't believe that story one bit. Cody had all the information he needed or needs to contact me, my mom or my sister. I did believe it at first, but when we saw no results from that so called phone call …. well, lets just say pretty little liars that make up stories to make themselves look like the good deed doers.....sad! (I will leave it at that) ….not to mention my mom gave Cody all the information he needed to contact us, he knows how, so why would he contact “her” first. ALSO, the “story” itself didn't line up....to many holes!

So many things have happened in 3 years, and as you can see I keep the fight alive. I keep the memories of my children alive too. I won't give up. One day I will blog about or reunion.

Although I hate to see my life in the next 3 years without my kids, it will be interesting to see how much closer I get to actually being able to see them.

I often wonder what they are feeling or thinking. I wonder if everyday they think of me and the life we had before August 13, 2008. I wonder if they talk to each other about me? I wonder if they miss me silently so no one else will see the hurt, sadness or pain. I wonder …...if sometimes they think the life before was just a dream. Or is this just a dream? A very bad dream, a nightmare that keeps up trapped within our own sadness. This nightmare that won't allow us to wake up. The continuous torture, sadness and pain. It's all to much too handle sometimes. So sometimes, most times I don't deal with it. I suppress it, and keep it locked away deep inside my heart as if nothing ever happened, as if......if I never even had kids. Yes, that does happen from time to time. But it never lasts too long...my heart and love won't allow me to ever forget that I have 4 children out there. 4 children that are also confused, sad and experiencing the same silent sadness and pain that I am. The difference is, I learned how to share my pain when I feel the need too. I hope someday they learn the same thing.

Being able to share and express the pain and sadness of my life since the termination has been therapeutic for me. Yes, it has made me vulnerable and an easy target for “bashers” and “haters” but it's just because they don't know how it really truly feels.

Tomorrow will be 3 years since I gave into Parental Alienation. If I knew then what I know now, I bet I would still have a relationship with my kids and this nightmare would finally let us wake up.