Monday, September 27, 2010

moving out.....

It would be a few months before we were actually able to move out of the apartment. So, T started his job with the park district, and I stayed home with the boys. Then in June 1998, I finally had my tubes tide. We were finished having babies. Our hands were full, and we were happy with the 4 little guys we had. It was a fun year. Four boys running around our little apartment. Once the twins started moving around, the pressure was on to find another place to live.
I was on a mission, I had to find another place for us to live. A place with hopefully more room, and preferably a house and not an apartment. I finally found one in Carpentersville around the start of the fall school year. Cody would be in kindergarden and I needed to have him settled in a place before the start of school. He started kindergarden at Meadowdale Elementry. It was great, my cousin also had a daughter the same age as Cody, and they were in the same class.
We moved in shortly before the start of school. I signed Brandon up for pre-school through the Park district. And for a few ours during the day, it was just me and the twins. My days were very busy. When I was at home, I would do laundry and clean. Then I would have to turn around and pick up the boys from school. On the weekends, T would take the kids out to his parents to hang out. I would go from time to time. Things were still very uneasy with us, and I still didn't fit in with them. Luckily I was keeping myself busy, I picked up a part time job at Kohls.
One weekend, my dad was in town, and he stopped by to visit with us. Unfortunalty, I had to work that evening, and was unable to visit with him. But he stayed with T and the boys. Before I left, I had asked T to take the clothes that I had folded on our bed, and please help the boys put them away. I was asking him to help the boys learn how to put their own clothes away. My dad heard me ask him this simple little task. By the time I got home, all the toys were everywhere, and the clothes that I had folded up earlier that day, were scattered all over the place. I was livid. He had no respect for me, and had no desire to help me out. So, I had to explain to him, like a child that what he did was unexceptable. That he can learn to help, since I was also working. But that went through on ear and out the other. I was talking to a wall. I was loosing my mind. I was starting a new job, and I was going to need him to act like a grown up, and take on some responsibility at home, not just work and come home and act like a babysitter.

The summer of 1998, I started working at First Card in Elgin. This was a much better paying job, and I was able to choose my hours. I needed evening hours so we wouldn't have to pay for a sitter, and I would have weekends off. So I started working part time. I was feeling very independent by this time. Even more so then I had before. We had purchased another car, so we would both have a vehicle. Things seemed to be going just fine. It was like clock work. We had a wonderful routine. We didn't have to see each other. I guess that may have been the best part. I would leave when he got home, and I didn't see him, if I was lucky, until the next day when we passed each other on the way out the door.
We didn't have much of a sex life by this time either. I didn't have time, besides when we did seem to be together at the same time, he hadn't showered in several days and I didn't want too. I would always tell him, I don't want to have sex with you if your not going to shower. This was a constant battle.
I was getting tired of all of this really quickly. This shower thing was going on for all of our marriage now. Well, at least the time we had actually been together. I was noticing a lot of changes. I was noticing, that we didn't have much in common. We didn't have a marriage, it was just a convence for the both of us. And he wanted to go to his parents house all the time. That was getting old quickly too.

As I started feeling this burst of independence, I also I wanted to loose weight, so I started working out in the mornings after I would take Cody to school. But I was also having a hard time getting my self motivated in the mornings. I would cry over the strangest things, but thought nothing of it. I wasn't getting home until 11:30 at night, and trying to get to bed before 12:30 was impossible. I needed some downtime. By doing this, I couldn't get up in the morings...I was dragging. Eventually, Cody was gettting himself up and ready for school and he even started walking to school. I would wake up in enough time to get Brandon to pre-school, but I didn't feel like walking him up the stairs to the door. It was becoming so much work to take the twins out and walk up this flight of staris. So I would just drop Brandon off and watch him as he made it to the doors. Eventually, the teachers would call T and tell them what I was doing. He told me that I had to walk Brandon to the doors....whatever!! So I did. I just didn't know what was happening to me. I mean how stupid was this. I was watching him up the stairs..give me a break. He was safe, I was watching him.

It was November 1999 Cody turned 6 and the twins were 2. I was falling apart. I was miserable.
I was playing the part of the good house wife who had it all together, but deep down inside I was crying for help. I was looking for something, but just didn't know what. I knew that I was in a loveless marriage.
For new years his mom gave us to wine glasses and a bottle of wine to toast in the new year. I honestly think something was in the wine. Because once the new year hit, I was falling off my rocker.
I was going in so many directions I didn't know if I was coming or going. My marriage with T had been falling apart for years now, I was just going through the motions. (it was a curse that she put on me...just kidding. But one would wonder)

In February I decided that I needed to work less hours and try to figure out what was wrong with me. I Decided that I needed to talk to someone. So I found a therapist. Needless to say I went one time and never went back again. When I told her what I was experienceing, and told her how my husband wasn't showering like a normal human being, she looked at me and said, “sounds like it might just be you.” She went on to say, “that her husband didn't shower everynight either....” I never went back to her again. I convinced myself that his mom found out I was going to see this therapist and she paid her to tell me this stuff just to make it sound like I was crazy. Well it didn't work. Yes, I knew that something wasn't right with me, but I knew that a normal human being would shower on a daily basis. I was at least doing this on my own. I was functioning. Stupid therapist.

By this time, I was crying over everything, but found that working out was paying off. I was starting to look better and feel a little better too. T and I were actually starting to enjoy each other. He
would wait up for me and I would bring Taco Bell home for us.We sat and talked about our marriage. We talked about where we were going and not going. I told him I felt like I was stuck, trapped and I needed space. It was a sad moment. I tried to hold on as long as I could. I wasn't holding on for me, I was only doing it to prove his mom wrong. I didn't want her to win. But, that was all over. I was thinking differently.

I was finally snapping out of whatever it was I was snapping out of, and I was feeling like I needed to be free. I needed out! I was honest with him and told him that I wanted out of this marriage. But he begged me not to leave him. He was crying, begging. “I love you” he said. Whatever I need to do I will do. I told him it was too late. I needed room to breathe. I was discovering that we were both going into 2 different directions, and I wanted something different. It was time for a change. Our marriage was over.

It would be a few years before I realized that all that emotional mess I was going through was actually post partum depression. I had no idea. It was such a revalation when I did finally realize what I was going through. But, by then it was too late. Quietly I was dying inside and no one recognized the signs.

For my birthday, in March, he bought me flowers and a card. It was a nice gesture, but this had been the first time in 7 years he had bought me flowers. I was done. On March 22, 1999, T moved out. Actually, from what I found out, he once again couldn't face his parents about this failure so he decided to sleep in our van, in their yard. I guess he drove around until they went to bed and pulled in without them knowing. What a loser. It was a sad moment though. It was sad to see him pack up his things for the night. But once he was gone, I finally felt a breath of fresh air. It been lifted off of me. We both deserved so much more. I wasn't giving him what he deserved as a husband and vice versa.

We had discussed that I still needed to work and he still need to be here to help with the kids, and when I would get home, he would have to leave and go to his parents.
We were seperated. Finally I was able to breathe. I can't tell you or explain how this bittersweet moment felt. I just knew I was on my own. On my own with 4 kids. Our little arrangement worked for a while.

Then I bought a computer.

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