How do you define faith, hope and love.....

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Ever since I heard that scripture, several years ago, I have held onto it to remind me that even though I don't know what my plans are for myself, or my kids or our futures together, God does.

Yes, it's hard for me to “lean” on God when I know that is what we are suppose to do in our darkest hour. But, I have had my share of disappointment with knowing that as well. I have shared with you that I was raised to be a God fearing, Bible devoted, church going Christian. To count on God and to put our faith in him, and believe that without him we won't make it to the pearly gates that await us upon his glorious return. But after I lost the rights to my children, I have lost so much of that faith, hope and love that I have been raised to have. Well, not so much love part, I still have that ability.

Every time I entered a court room or faced an attorney, I silently prayed for strength, guidance and wisdom. Even though deep down inside I was about to loose my ever loving mind. We all know, that when we pray God hears our prayers? Or so we are taught, duh! It's frustrating to know, that the same things we pray about day after day just seem to go unnoticed, and unanswered. I don't know why, and I don't know how to find out. But I have been told that when we least expect it, God will answer our prayers. But is it God or is it just a coincidence? Was it because all the stars were lined up the right way? Was it that penny we threw in that magic fountain at the mall? Or maybe it was that fortune cookie at the Chinese restaurant. Whatever, or however you choose to believe how, “what you prayed for somehow came true,” we were thankful at that moment for a miracle, and we all thanked God for answering “that” prayer. Right?

I had so much faith, or so I thought, each and every time I was about to head into the lions den.

I thought I was able to fight like Daniel did. I put on my invisible breast plate of righteousness, and pulled out my invisible sword and was ready to take on this lion. But unlike Daniel, and the happy ending he had with slaying that lion, I didn't get so lucky. Instead, I was left feeling more like the lion on “The Wizard of Oz.” afraid, depleted and with no courage left to fight. I had no happy ending.

So much for that armor! (by the way, I know he didn't use a sword to fight that lion. He used his sling shot)

We have all heard the saying, “faith can move mountains.” Well, I use to believe that. But that same stupid mountain just never moved out of my way. It always blocked me from getting to the other side.

There was always some reason why I couldn't move it to the other side, knock it down or push with all my “faith” to move that dang mountain out of my way. And it still gets in the way to this dang day. Stupid red tape!

Without faith, nothing is possible, but with God all things are possible. OK, I've had a hard time with this too. We all hold on to faith. We all hold onto it with all we have. When we are waiting for a job promotion that we've worked hard for. When we have a loved one that is sick, we hold onto our faith that God will see us through. We hold onto hope for a breakthrough, or a healing. But how long do we hold on? We don't have to be “religious” to say “it was faith that got me through the hard times.” We don't have to be raised in church to know that hope is what we hold onto when we see no end in sight.

I think it's our own abilities that get us through the hard times. It's how we deal with it will determine the outcome. It's our environment and experiences that mold us into who we are and how we handle situations.

I was recently told to stop counting on God to help me because it doesn't hold us accountable for our actions. It took me a few times to read it to really understand the meaning behind it. But when I finally got what it meant, I realized she was right. Even though, I know that we will all be held accountable for our actions on judgment day. But trying to cry out to God hasn't worked for me in the past, why do I keep crying out to him now for help? It's a touchy subject. One that I choose not to touch on today. I am going to put it in my “I don't know file” and move on.

But everyday I wish I had an ounce of faith to believe that one day I will see my kids. That one day, I will not be judged on what I have or haven't done to protect my kids. But by the person that I have become. By my character, my determination, my perseverance and my ability to continue to love those who choose to judge me. My ability to forgive and love without questions, without conditions. This ability I have to smile when I should have a frown. Or this is a crazy thought, maybe I have to be thankful for the life that I have been given. The time I had with my kids. The love that I showed them when we were together. Maybe the one thing they will remember is that I did love them. Maybe it's that little bit of hope we all posses, religious or not, that ounce of faith, God or not, that ability to love no matter what....maybe just maybe those qualities I have passed onto my kids. And maybe, just maybe they have faith, hope and love too.

So how do I define faith, hope and love? I believe that it doesn't have to be a religious thing. I think we all posses the ability to hold on to hope. We all have a form of “faith” we cling too and we all love in our own way. We all won't agree on what the definition is because we are all individuals with different backgrounds, upbringings and beliefs. But we all want good for each other. We don't want any ill will to come to even our worst of enemies. (well...maybe.....)

I will define it this way. I will see my kids someday. Someday I will be reunited with my boys. Someday, all of this will be put to rest and our lives will back to “normal.” Someday, someone will pay for what they have done. I will see my kids graduate, I will see them married and I will see them happy. I will see this happen in my lifetime. Call it hope, call it faith...call it what you want.

I call it a promise!

Handling a situation......the Parental Alienation way

I know, I know it's been a few days since I updated you on what was going on, and I will. But first, I would like to thank all of you who are supporting me and my efforts to reconnect with my son. All your prayers are appreciated and still needed. Keep it up, I will need all the prayers and support in the next weeks, and months ahead.

I called to find out if the “cop” that called me was legit, and he was. I asked for a copy of the complaint, and was told that it was sent to the states attorney’s office and that I cannot get a copy.

I was not happy to hear either one of those things.

So, I started doing a little research myself. The OP that was issued in February 2009, states that “I can't contact the minor children.” until January 2011. As of November 12, 2010 Cody is no longer considered a minor, he is now an adult. Legally an adult. Which means that I have done nothing wrong.

Which also means that it no longer applies to him.

I wanted to clarify this so I spoke to several attorney’s in that surrounding area that would know the laws. It was confirmed, and I was right.

As for the complaint. I am waiting to find out if the complaint was made by the “petitioner” of the original OP, or if it was made by Cody himself. If it was done by the “petitioner” that person can't legally do that on his behalf. Which again, is a plus. If Cody filed it (which we believe he didn't) and he decides to file an OP on me, I have his words stating that “I want to talk to my mom but my dad gets mad.” The attorney’s also said that the judge will throw his OP out, believing that he does want to talk to me, and he is being forced to file it. Which is called coercion and intimidation. He is an adult, and is capable of making up his own mind, especially if he expressed he wants to speak to his mom and his being denied his right to do so.

I found out that the “freedom of information act” gives me the right to ask for, and receive a copy of that complaint. Didn't know this...it's called civil rights. Or so I was told. I am finally getting the right information, from the right people. People who are on my side and willing to go to bat for me. Go to bat for my kids, for my son Cody who has been silenced. Who's voice is not allowed to be heard. Who's rights are also being infringed upon and who desperately is crying out and no one is listening. But I am, and I won't be silenced or told to that what I am trying to do, or tried to do was wrong.

This is no longer “What I did wrong” but how wrong it is for this kind of behavior to continue to go on in our society. How wrong it is to file complaints against someone when there is no grounds to do so.

I was told that the original OP wasn't warranted for the entire family. I didn't try to contact “them” back in 2008. All I did was call my son for his 16^th birthday. We talked a few times during that week, then it stopped. Then came the OP for the entire family. Throughout my findings, I have been told a phone call to my son, didn't warrant an OP. I wasn't harassing or stalking him. Or anyone in that family for that matter.

As for the warrant and violation that happened when I innocently signed up for FB back in 2009.

We all know about that....anyway, I was told do I actually know I have a warrant? Or am I just believing what I was told by those 100 attorney’s that sent me letters begging me to hire them to help me.

I spoke to a friend at another police department (but in that area) asking what happens in the case of another violation of an OP. I was told that all they could do was just issue another warrant. So do I have a warrant or don't I? I don't actually know for sure. Working on that too.

I am not going to be hauled off to jail. The state of Illinois has better things to do then extradite me to Illinois for a violation of an OP, that really shouldn't have been filed in the first place. Not to mention that this “violation” really wasn't or isn't a “legal” violation since according to the OP Cody is no longer a minor as it states in black and white.

So what's next? Well, I have some great people working on my behalf to get all this stuff figured out. My hero's in the fight against Parental Alienation. It feels great to finally have someone willing to go to bat for me. It's not just my fight, but a fight for all the parents who have been alienated from their children. This is my chance to give parents hope, and to keep the dream of being reunited with their children alive. We have a voice and we have rights.

Who knows where I might be going with this voice of mine. This campaign to have parents charged with abuse when found guilty of Parental Alienation, needs to be passed as a law. This is a crime, and children are being silenced.

Parents every day are being alienated from their children and the courts will do nothing to stop it.

Until we can get all the states to recognize this as a crime, it will continue to happen. But, with our voices, we can be the voices of all those children who are silenced. We can be the voices for all the mothers and fathers who have been alienated from their children.

We can take a stand.

A call from the popo

So, my phone rings a few hours ago and it's from an 847 area code. I just froze, thinking that it might just be Cody. It's a Saturday night, he's out with friends and he's gonna call me. WRONG!!! It was from an officer at the Dundee Police Dept asking me to “cease and desist” my efforts to make contact. Apparently, although Cody is now 18, he is still under the protection of the OP.

I told the officer that he's 18. He told me that since the OP doesn't expire until 2011, he is still part of that order, therefore it's a violation and I violated the OP.

I knew that I wasn't exactly out of the line of fire, I was taking a risk. But did ask all the questions before I did, just to see what my options are, what's at stake and what the consequences might be.

If it's just this “cease and desist” I can live with that. Come January 2011, I am no longer under the OP and I will probably just let it all go. Each and every time I think I'm making the right decision, it backfires and once again I am being reprimanded.

If anyone knows the law regarding this situation, please feel free to share what you may know. I need all the help I can get.

God does answer prayers.......

So life is a little bit brighter for me tonight. I have my hope back, I have my spirit back and I have NOT fully lost my son.

Knowing a friend of a friend...this friend started talking to Cody via IM ...he knows who she is, but doesn't know that she is helping me out. Anyway, I receive a message on my phone from her, with an email attachment, I open it and it's a conversation between her and Cody.

They talk for a few minutes and she asks how he's doing, he says “shortly declining, long story short, my REAL mom wants to talk to me and I want to talk to her, but my dad is pissed and doesn't want me too, but I do.”

She encourages him too, and he says “ya, she lives in Alabama and either I text her, IM her or email, but if I do my dad will get mad, if I don't my mom will get mad.”

First of all, I won't get mad if he doesn't....I am sad, but not mad. I totally understand and don't want to put him in a position that he doesn't need to be in. BUT HE WANTS TO TALK TO ME!!!!

By this time in the email I am in tears, balling my eyes out. My son wants to talk to me, AND contact me but his dad won't let him, or will get mad at him if he does.

So this is where I am at with this.....I want to reach out to him....I want to tell him that I want to reconnect with him.

So she and I are working slowly with this. She gave him her number for him to call her/text her. She is going to slowly start encouraging him, and eventually she will tell him that she is working with me to reconnect with him. But we are doing this delicately.

All I care about are the words “I want to talk to her.........” Those are the words that I have waited for for 2 years.

He has thought of me, he remembers me …....... THANK YOU GOD for answering my prayers. Giving me what I have prayed for, dreamed of and imagined. This is a small step, but I will take it and always look forward.

*I didn't ask this person to FB him nor did I ask this person to start a conversation with him. She did all that on her own. I had no idea that a frined on my FB had a sister that graduated from the same school that he attends. SHE took it upon herself to ask her sister if she knew him, and it went from there. I didn't know this was going on until after she received his friend request confirmation. I never spoke to this person directly over the phone, or email. She and I texted just a few times. She got my number from her sister who I gave permission to share it with her.

*any other thrid party contact that was made to my son,  was done so by that individual and I had no control over what they did or said.

It finally hit me......

Here I am, it's 10:30 on November 17^th 2010 and I can't sleep. It's early for some, yes, and I just turned off the TV. Up until 10, I was watching one of my favorite shows, Seinfeld. I could barely keep my eyes open during the last episode, but I fought the sleep and watched till it was over, then turned it off. Thinking that I will just fall asleep, and into a nice dream. Well, I was wrong. My mind wondered off and it finally hit me. One tear, then two....a sniff, sniff and well..... here I am.

I kept telling myself while I laid there, that I actually did set myself up for disappointment. I actually wanted to believe that Cody would call me, text me or email me...SOMETHING!! But, he didn't. I am truly heartbroken. So this is what it feels like? It's painful. I don't want to move, I can't move, I'm paralyzed and numb. I am truly alone....no one hears my cry, sees my pain or wipes my tears.

I set myself up for 2 years thinking that my son would call me when he turned 18. I was so sure of it. I knew in my heart he would. I never did anything to him for him not to want to contact me. Or did I?

This is the guilt, the shame and humiliation that I struggle with all the time. It's deep down inside my soul, the guilt, the pain. I haven't cried in over a year about any of this, but tonight I couldn't hold back the tears. They hate me. They don't love me. They don't want to know me, or see me ever again. It truly is over. I am no longer a thought or a memory in their minds.

I thought that November 12 would be the day of celebration, joy and happiness, but it wasn't. I thought by now I would have talked to him, made Thanksgiving plans, possibly Christmas plans. I dreamed of the day. All was forgiven and life was normal. I was mom again. I heard the words mom....he would call me mom. It's a faint whisper.....

I set myself up for heartbreak. I convinced myself that nothing could separate us for too long. That the bond a mother and child have is inseparable. I thought........I told myself to hang on to hope. It will happen.

I was sent about 70 pictures of Cody the other day. He has grown up so much. He's a young man. He's tall and handsome. He has a girlfriend. I am missing his life. It's been stolen from me....so I cry. I am mad, disappointed, frustrated, bitter and heartbroken. I need to just scream so this pain goes away. I need to run and hide, I need to just let it all go.....but it's so hard, I CAN'T!!! I want my son....I can have him now, he's 18....right? But he doesn't want me to be part of his life. I try to tell myself that I am the last thing on his mind, that he's busy with school, a girlfriend and maybe even a job. I am consumed with this now, knowing he's reached that age, the age of promise, the age of truth, the age that gave me hope. It's all a nightmare....did any of this really happen? Am I just in a horrible nightmare that's lasted 10 years? AHHHHH..............*this is my own nightmare*.....

This isn't what I had planned.....this isn't working. I've been sad deep inside, hiding it away from everyone, quiet and secretive....not showing my true feelings, but my heart is breaking and I have to let you know this SUCKS......!!!! I WANT TO SHARE THINGS WITH MY SON ….......be with my son. Be his mom......

I was raised to believe that God hears our cries, and answers our prayers....what do I have to do in this lifetime to get him to hear these cries, see these real tears and feel this pain of mine? What do I have to do, to get him to answer my prayer? I've been down the road of the “good christian” girl. I've read and studied my Bible, went to church and fell on my knees begging for him to hear me. Where are you at now? I'm so bitter, I am mad at God. Is that OK? Isn't that aloud? I tried to “walk the walk” believe in faith the size of a mustard seed... a God that can move mountains and part the red sea can surely give my son back to me. IS THAT TO MUCH TO ASK?? I have been quiet and sat in the back row for to long now.....I want to see my son! GIVE ME SOMETHING PLEASE!!!

I don't understand this, I really don't!

I feel like a failure. I have failed my boys. They have been fed the lies......it worked.

What happened to my positive thinking....?? REALITY IT ME.....it's not gonna happen!!!

I am not alone....

I'm not alone

When I started doing research on the Internet, about what I had been through, I had no idea it had a name. So I just started searching about single moms, noncustodial moms, mothers without children. Anything that I could associate with what had happened to me.

I found a book that Alec Baldwin wrote. He had been in the media for his message that he left on his daughters phone. When I read what was in his book, he nailed everything that I had been through. When I searched his name, he was on the view talking about his story and PA. He has been a victim of PA and is a huge advocate. He isn't afraid to share his story. When I read his book, I wanted to meet this man. Not because of who he was, but because he and I share a connection. Well, OK, maybe a little because of who he is, and if I just happen to have his book in my hand with a sharpie, and he just happens to sign my book...well then I would be OK with that too. I'm only human, I get star struck too!

After I read his book, I knew there had to be more book, or stories about PA. So my search changed, I was no longer looking for books about noncustodial mothers, or parents without custody. When I came across “The Look of Love” by Jill Egizii, and read what is was about, I immediately ordered it on Amazon. I couldn't wait to read it. Once I did, I thought she knew who I was, and wrote my story for me. I was amazed at how similar our stories were.

After I read her book, I sent her an email telling her about me, my boys and our story. Until this book, I had no idea that something like this even existed, that it actually happens to other parents. Other moms. I wasn't alone. I had nothing to loose by sending this email to her. She was just another person that I was trying to contact. Someone that might care that this happened to me too. Someone to listen. In a million years I never thought that I would hear back from her. But in March 2010, I got a phone call from a co-worker, she said that she received a phone call from a women named Jill, and that she was looking to talk to me. She gave me her number and I immediately called her back. Silly me, I forgot to give my phone number on the email, thank goodness she had my company name. When I called her, I didn't know who it was at first. I didn't know of any Jill, or anyone who knew where I worked, let alone the company I worked for. When she introduced herself, she said “I am Jill, the women who wrote that book you emailed me about.” I was so happy to hear from her. We talked for about 30 minutes or so.

She told me that she has been trying to get a hold of me, and wanted to talk to me about Parental Alienation. She was alienated from her kids too. She was an attorney, and an alderman in Springfield Illinois. “was this really happening to me?”

I didn't know what to say to her. She wanted to know why I relinquished my rights, and I gave her a summary of what happened. She asked me if I would be willing to share my story with her for another book. I said “absolutely.” Inside I'm saying to myself, “this is the break I wanted, I wanted my story told”. Then she wanted to know if I would be willing to travel to New York City sometime to talk on the View with her about Parental Alienation. Again, I said “of course, that would be so great.” A trip to New York City, and the View. This is what I have waited for for so long.

We exchanged emails and phone numbers and we have been in contact ever since. I haven't met her yet, but I know that I will. She gave me the Parental Alienation website, and asked that I get involved, and share this information. She told me that April 25 is Parental Alienation Awareness Day. “They have a day for this?” I had finally been recognized, and I finally fit into a group of more then a thousand mothers and fathers that have been alienated from their children.

I got off the phone with her with a sense of acceptance. I was no longer in a category where I didn't belong. I had a purpose. This meant something to me. It meant that I am free from feeling guilty, from shying away from the subject, from not allowing myself to share my story with other people and feel ashamed, embarrassed or afraid. I can stand proud and tell my story with understanding, compassion and truth. I had Parental Alienation to back me up.

With a deep breath, and an extra skip in my step I was able to look forward and not behind me. I called my Aunt as soon as I got in my car that afternoon from work. I wanted to share with her what Jill was offering me. What she shared with me.

My Aunt is such a wonderful person to talk too. She will always give 10 or more reasons to look at the positive side of something. That's what she did with me. She was encouraging and excited for me. I was so overjoyed when I talked to her, I couldn't help myself. Thanks so much for your encouraging words on that day. It made it even better.

I had hoped to share my story with the View too, but that hasn't happened yet.

A about a year ago, my Aunt, the one that is so encouraging, introduced me to the “blog” world. I started writing a few paragraphs, but never did it again. It just wasn't my time. I didn't feel like sharing it with anyone. I felt if I kept it all to myself, I won't have to face the criticism, the finger pointing and the whispers. So I just dealt with it on my own. It was better that way. No body asked me, and I didn't offer to share. It was like nothing ever happened.

I didn't share any of my story, or struggles with any one until now. It took me a long time to be at a place in my life to let it all out. I wanted my family to know, my friends, my co-workers my FB friends. I didn't want to hide behind a shield anymore. I didn't want to hide behind the speculation, the gossip and the finger pointing. This is the reason why; A few months ago, well, it may have even last year. My mom, sister and I were sitting outside on the patio and we were talking about the boys. My mom acted like she wanted to ask me a question, I can tell when she has something on her mind, but just wasn't sure how to approach it. Well, finally she asked me “It had been rumored, she said, that Brandon isn't T's kid.” First of all, I wanted to know who said this? I had my own idea of who, but I wanted to know why? I told her straight up, “Oh my God, yes, Brandon is T's.” It bothered me so bad that I wanted to make the announcement to my entire family to stop the rumors and gossip. All they have ever done was speculate, they never asked me. Come to me!! I told my mom “if I knew for one minute that Brandon wasn't T's, I would have said it a long time ago, and he would be sitting here with me today.” I don't know where some people get their information. This infuriates me! But it won't ever stop. That's OK, what comes around goes around!!

But I am not going to let that bother me, I know the truth. All the lies in the world they want to believe won't stop me from telling the truth, setting the record straight and getting it all out there. I am happy with my life. Yes, it is sad sometimes without my kids. But overall, I live a pretty blessed life. My husband is good to me, he provides for me, he loves me. He allows me to share my feelings and thoughts about my kids. He knows that he is free to share his feelings about the boys too. The boys he grew to love. The boys he misses everyday too. We laugh and share memories of each one of the boys. Each one has touched our lives in so many ways. When we see something that the kids would love, we both know what each other is thinking before we even say it. “The boys would love this.”

I don't ever want to forget about my kids. And I don't want them to forget about us.

I am thankful for the opportunity to share with the world what happened to me and my boys. It's important to share, you never know who's going through the same thing, and felt they were alone, they were the only ones. But we are not. This is a problem on a global scale. If I sat back and just pretended that this didn't happen, or that PA didn't exists, then I would be allowing the courts, attorney's and the parents that are the worst influence on their kids get away with child abuse. And I won't sit back and allow this to happen. I will let my kids voices be heard. I want my voice to be heard.

If we had judges and attorney's that cared about the “best interest of the children” then so many families wouldn't be suffering the way I am. If parents knew that when they keep children away from the other parent, or brainwash them into thinking the other parent is the reason for their problems, it hurts the children the most. Parents need to learn to get along, cooperate and not seek revenge on the other parent during a divorce. It hurts the kids. Parents that alienate children, don't care about the kids feelings or how this will effect them. All they think about is themselves. The game. The power.

They will not stop until they have won.

All I wanted was fairness. I wanted my kids to be able to love me without limitations, without fear. I wanted nothing but to be the best mom I could for my kids, to love them without limitations. I wanted to be someone they could trust, depend on and talk too. I wanted to be the football or soccer mom cheering on her kids as loud as I could. I wanted to be supportive, encouraging and a friend.

I wanted to laugh with them and protect them, wipe their tears and mend their scrapped knees. I wanted

to see them have a girlfriends, go to prom and graduate. I wanted to see them laugh, smile and catch them when they fall.

But that was all taken away from me. Taken away from them.

Thanks to everyone who took time out of there day to read my story. All your comments and encouraging words meant the world to me. But don't stop following me. This story isn't over yet. My son Cody will be 18 on November 12 and I am hoping to contact him on that day. I am hoping that we will spend the Thanksgiving Holiday together. Wish me luck.

I will also start posting on my other blog as well. I have been so focused on this story that I have neglected my other blog. I am hoping to share with you, who I am through my blog. My likes and dislikes. Travel, food, recipes, and shopping. I hope to keep up with that weekly, and will post it to my FB when I have a post finished.

This is for you

Cody, Brandon, Austin and Dalton

May the road lead us together again.

I love you - Mom

Trying to move on

Moving on is easier said then done. Have I moved on? Yes, but it isn't easy. I struggle everyday with so many emotions. I struggle with birthday's, holidays and Mothers Day. I struggle to answer questions from people when they ask “do you have kids?” I struggle with the answer sometimes. Do I say no? If I do I will feel so guilty. If I say yes, but.....that's hard. Then I have to explain why, or what happen. Then comes the looks, the speculation. It's just plane hard to explain sometimes. And sometimes I just don't want too.

Last fall, I lost a dear friend that I have known since kindergarten, because she couldn't get past the fact that what happen to me, wasn't all my fault. She also said some horrible things to me. “How could you just give up your kids?” She asked me. I simply told her what I have told in my story, but she was having none of it. She said “I don't think I can remain friends with you since you gave up your kids.” It was her loss really. It's easy for her to sit back and point the finger at me, but never walked a mile in my shoes. She was getting upset with me because I was posting on FB that I was going to Florida for the weekend, or that I made a trip to New York. She questioned me, “how is it that you an afford to make all these trips and not pay to fight for your kids?” I told her I did fight for my kids, as hard as I possibly could. But she didn't want to hear it. She had her mind made up that I only did it because I wanted freedom to travel, and have money in my pocket. Little does she know that I am still paying on a $9000 credit card from the last attorney. That the trips we go on are small weekend getaways. New York, I accompanied my grandma who was 83 so she didn't have to travel alone. Not to mention I was the only one available to make the trip with her. I thought her reasons for terminating our long time friendship was inconsiderate, and hurtful. I haven't spoken to her in over a year.

People like her are not worth my time. They are unhappy with their lives and with themselves. I believe they are jealous. But they have no reason to be. If anything, I should be jealous of them, they still have their kids. But I am not jealous. There is reasons why this happened to me. Maybe God is preparing me for better and bigger things. I can hope, dream and expect, can't I?

I experienced what some parents go through when they loose a child to death. When I got home, I kept the door to their room closed. I couldn't walk in there, it was to hard to see. It was left the that way for a while. Then I needed to make that move and open the door. It was hard. Their beds still unmade, clothes in the closet, favorite stuffed animals on the beds. Their shoes, belts, socks. The TV, games and books. It was all once alive and now it's all dead. I laid on one of the beds and held a stuffed animal that one of then slept with. I smelled it, hoping to get a scent of them. I looked around the room and it was silent. No more sounds of them playing, singing or yelling. No more smelly socks, dirty clothes or lost shoes. The life they had, what we had was gone. I didn't want to touch anything, but knew I had to make the first move to healing. I packed up all their favorite things, and put them in boxes and placed them in the attic. The last pair of shoes they wore, I kept those. I kept the skateboards and bikes. The beds are down and gone. I needed to get rid of what I could, to let go. I kept what I thought was most important to them, and now it's so important to me. It helps that I don't have to look at it everyday. The room is now filled with a bookshelf, filled with pictures and albums. I had to let it all go. But it was part of the healing process for me. It still saddens me to walk in there sometimes, knowing it once was their room. Where they slept. Where I found Austin sleeping on the floor the morning I took them home. The last morning I would wake up my kids.

Soon after I relinquished my rights, I started receiving motions in the mail from T's attorney. These would come almost weekly for then next 4 months. Each one more heartbreaking then the next.

The first one I received, was the final copies of the termination. Two sets of signatures, mine and his. What a sad thing to see. They also stated, that until the finalization of the adoption, the boys were now wards of the state. I was confused, sad and angry. How can they be wards of the state if T was still their legal father? I didn't understand and I didn't want to find out what my kids were going through, it was to painful. So I tried to block it all out. It was out of my hands, I was done. He got what he wanted. I just wanted to be left alone. I needed to heal.

But the motions just kept coming. Finally after about the 4^th one, I sent a letter to his attorney asking him to please stop send me an update on all the progress of the termination and the adoption. I told him that I just wanted to be left alone. I felt that this was deliberately done just to harass me and torture me.

I received 2 more after I sent that letter asking him to please stop. The one I received on November 2, 2008 sent me over the edge. In it, it stated that they have changed the boys names. As I read that line, tears started falling. I was shaking so hard I couldn't focus on what I was reading. My eyes pouring with tears I. feel to the ground and on my knees, I screamed WHHHHHYYYYY?????? I was devastated. He just wasn't going to stop....what next I thought, total blood transfusions to suck all the life of me out of them? He had lost his ever lasting mind.

I was home alone when I got the letter. After I read it, I immediately called Brian, who was on his way home from a race. I was crying, so he didn't understand what I was saying, he said “calm down, what does it say?” I told him one by one what their new “middle” names would be.

“Cody James ” will now be changed too “ Cody James Robert”

“Brandon Timothy ” will now be changed too “ Brandon Timothy Sven ”

“Austin Jeffery” will now be changed too “Austin Richard William”

“Dalton Jon ” will now be changed too “Dalton Jon Anthony”

I don't understand his reasons for changing their names. But it hurt me so bad that he did. The worst part about it was that my son Austin, had my dads name for his middle name. They totally removed my dads name from his entire name altogether. It was like T was trying to erase everything that was associated with me and my family out of the boys lives. I felt this was the lowest of the low for him. He took away his identity, who he was. Austin knew he was names after my dad, his pa-pa, and now he was this totally other person by name.

After I was over the shock of this information, my mind starting racing. OK, I thought, he's changing their names to get new identity’s. They had too get new SS# 's this was so I couldn't have access to those. Is this why he did it? Can you change your SS# ? I guess he has been able to do everything else illegally, why not this right? Then I immediately thought, he's going to drain the DNA out of them so they can't have my blood flowing through their veins. Was this possible? Could someone actually do this?

Then I pictured T and his wife sitting down with the kids and reprogramming them one by one with their new names. I heard each name being told and programmed into their heads, “Austin, you will now be known as “Austin Richard William” no more will you carry the name of “Jeffery” you don't remember who that person was, or why you had that name.....”

I don't know how or if they even knew of the change. But how do you explain, to a then, 10 year old that your new name is now.......” A name that he carried with him for 10 years. Why would you want to do that to your child? T was worse then I thought. Bastard! “Oh ya and by the way, V is your new mom now too, welcome to your new world!!”

In my heart, I knew who they were. They knew who they were, I hoped. Brian just kept telling me it was just a piece of paper. They may have changed their names, but they are just names. Deep down I knew he was right, but I was just so pissed that they changed Austin's name totally. They took away my dad's name. When I told my parents what T had done now to the kids, it infuriated them. My dad's emotional anyway, so this made his eyes fill with tears. He cried, I cried. It just hurt so bad.

On November 5, 2008 the adoption was made final, and they were one big happy family. All with new names, new identity’s and no more recollection of who they were. Where they came from, or who their REAL mom was.

The last motion I received in the mail was the final adoption papers. After that, I didn't hear from them again. Thank God too, I didn't know how much more I could handle.

Things were starting to look up for me. I made a trip to California with my friend Michele in September which for me was such a nice relaxing getaway that I needed. I was able to just let go of everything for a few days and not think about anything. It felt good to let loose and enjoy life. I was able to see a friend that I hadn't seen in over 22 years. So to finally see her and meet her kids was so wonderful. I felt like I was finally able to live life. I wasn't afraid anymore. I was free!

In October of 2008 I was hired on as a full time phlebotomist making a lot more then $9.00 hour. My dad called to congratulate me. He was happy to know that I had finally got a full time job. Although it was nice, it was a little late don't you think? I was thankful nonetheless. That's the way it goes right?

November was a hard month for me. It was Cody's 16^th birthday and the twins would be turning 11. I didn't know how I was going to exactly handle that. But, I made it through. Since my nieces birthday was November 5, I decided that I would have my family over for a celebration. I bought a cake and ice cream and we sang happy birthday to Hannah, Cody, Austin and Dalton. If felt good to sing to them. I took pictures of the cake so when I am able to see them again, I would show them that we celebrated their birthday. Every year I have set balloons off with a note attached. It's just something I do to help me celebrated with them.

I also had a plan for my son's birthday. I was going to call him on his 16^th birthday. I still had his cell number from when Tony gave it to me and I held on to it until the morning of his birthday.

On my way to work that day, I called him, he picked up. “Cody, it's mom!” “MOM!” he said with surprise, shock and excitement. He said “oh my God, is it really you?” I said yes, baby, it's mama, happy 16^th birthday!” “Thanks mom!” He called me mom....it felt so good to hear that word. He remembered me, he didn't get brainwashed to much, he didn't forget me, who I was.

We were both so happy to talk to each other we were at a loss for words.....he was at school so I knew I had to make it short. He told me that he had his permit, and would be getting his license sometime in March. I told him that I was so happy to hear his voice.

I told him that if we can keep this quiet, we can keep talking to each other. I quickly explained to him that I was so sorry for they had been through. He said he understood. That gave me piece of mind. I asked him if he knew that his middle name was changed? He said “no, to what?” I told him and he was just as shocked as I was.

I told him that I would buy him a cell phone if he wanted me too, and he said yes, that would be cool. I told him that I would have to send it to a friend, and she will meet you at school with it. I told him he will have to keep it at school at all times. But by the time I sent the phone to him, he had already been busted out on our phone calls. I don't know if he just got scared, or if he got caught and they took his phone away. But later he and my sister would exchange texts, and from what I read, he was caught. I believe that it wasn't him talking to my sister. I believe that it was his step mom. The texts were very hurtful. If they were from him, then he was being told what to say. One of them said “Ange had an attorney, why didn't she help her?” Another one said, “I will see you when I am 18.” and “She isn't my mom anymore, V is.”

But I told my sister that I believed that it was his step mom texting that information to my sister. Cody wasn't being cold with me when we talked. He was nice to me, and didn't say anything hurtful to me. So I believe that it was his step mom who was saying all the ugly things.

After that, I didn't hear another thing from Cody. My friend sent back the cell phone, and I returned it.

I was sad, but knew it was to good to be true. I also understood, he was scared too. I didn't want to put him in a position where he would be in serious trouble. But at least I tried.

Around Christmas time 2008, I had a knock on the door. When I answered it, I noticed it was a police officer through my window. When I answered, he asked “are you Angela Kadow?” I said “yes.” He said “well I have this restraining order for you, just make sure you read everything that is in it.” I said “OK, thank you.” I said thank you? I knew what it was. I immediately opened up the envelope it was in and started to read it. It was your typical restraining order, even though I had never received one before, it had all the legal jargon on it....bla bla bla!!!! Basically it said that I have to stay away from their home, schools and place of business. “Really, ummm if they hadn't noticed, I live 700 miles away.” I can't have any contact with the boys until they turn the age of 18, or until the restraining order is no longer valid, which ever comes first...bla bla bla....and it expires in January of 2011. It was for two years.

It was all because I called Cody and talked to him a few times back on his birthday. “Give me a freakin' break!” But then I thought, “hey, Cody turns 18 in November of 2010, does this effect that?” I wasn't going to worry about it at that time, but started counting down the days. I put that restraining order away with all the other crap I had accumulated over the last 8 years with them.

I carried on with my life as usual. I started doing research and writing letters and sending them to over 100 different attorney's in Illinois. I wanted to get some answers as to why this happened to me and my kids. Since it was close to the Holiday's, I didn't hear from anyone. I continued on after the first of the year. This time, I was trying to contact the media. I sent letters to Dr. Phil, Oprah, The View, 20/20 and Dateline. Hoping someone would pick up on my story and want to hear more. But I had no luck. So I kept on sending them. I also started writing to People Magazine, and Readers Digest. Still nothing.

Then one day in March of 2009, a breakthrough. An attorney from Chicago, received my letter and was interested about knowing more about my story. I gave him a brief summary of what I had been through, and that I ended up relinquishing my rights. He was floored when I told him this. He asked me what county was it in, and what judge? I told him. He was shocked to hear that it was Kane County. He was in a lawsuit as we spoke trying to get that same judge off the bench for unfair rulings. I was so happy to hear this from him. He gave me so much hope and a sliver of possibility. But I also knew, not to get my hopes up either.

He spoke to me several times, evening sending me emails of other attorney's that would also be willing to help me out. But none of them contacted me back. After 6 months, I never heard another word from that guy again. I wasn't surprised though, it was typical. I was up front and honest with him and told him that he has to be willing to help me pro-bone, because I wasn't going to spend another dime on an attorney that is not going to go the extra mile for me. Since I told him that, he never called or send another email. I checked him off my list.

Back to square one!