A not so happy anniversary.....

Well, tomorrow will mark the 3 year anniversary that I signed the relinquishment papers to terminate my parental rights to my kids. Thanks to the judges, attorney's and the relentless desire from their father, step mom and grandmother to destroy my life and the lives of 4 innocent children,

Our lives will forever be changed. Our lives haven't been the same since that day. I know mine hasn't, and I can only imagine what they have been feeling.

So, what has happened in the 3 years since the justice system failed me and my kids? Well, I am still here, alive a kicking. I am still a mom. I still wake up everyday to the memories of what was. I still wake up with a smile, a laugh and a spirit that won't let the memory die. I wake up knowing that today might be the day that I will hear from Cody. I wake up hopeful that someone else will give me the little push and encouragement I need to keep fighting this fight.

I found an advocacy group. I realized I am not alone. I realized that there are so many other “moms” out there that are waking up with the same broken heart as I am. I realized that I have strength and resilience. I learned how to share my story without feeling like I am going to be judged. I learned who I can and can't trust. I've learned to be patient. I've learned that road blocks have detours and that I have choices, and the road blocks are just “blocks” that can be moved. I've learned who my “real” friends are and who my “real” family is. I've learned to share what I need to and keep quiet when I need to as well. (this, I am still working on) But over all I have learned that I still love my kids. I always will. They bring me joy, happiness and fill my heart everyday with laughter. It's because of them I keep going. It's because of them I have the strength to move forward, stay positive and keep the hope alive that someday the words I share with all of you will somehow get to them.

I wrote a blog. I shared personal and intimate information with the world. I opened up my heart and soul with strangers, family and friends. I made contact with Cody (well, not verbal/one on one) but I know he's hurting, I know he wants to talk to me, but he's being denied that right. I was offered free help. I have 2 warrants. I was served with a restraining order for calling my son on his 16^th birthday. I violated that OP, not once but 2x......bla bla bla! The restraining order expired. Then it got extended, then it didn't. Then I had a 3^rd violation, then I didn't. (And the OP is long gone...for good this time.) or so I've been told.

I ordered pictures of Cody's prom and lacrosse. I tried to order the graduation pictures but those got intercepted by the “step-mom” and the company removed the pictures from their website and refunded my money. That was a HUGE disappointment, but I still got the prom and lacrosse ones. HUGE SMILES! I learned Cody has had a steady girlfriend and her name is Malorie. She looks like a beautiful young lady and they make a cute couple. My mom attended Cody's graduation and was able to talk to him. She even video taped it for me so I can watch it when I want too.

Then my cousin said Cody called her and wanted my moms information......but I don't believe that story one bit. Cody had all the information he needed or needs to contact me, my mom or my sister. I did believe it at first, but when we saw no results from that so called phone call …. well, lets just say pretty little liars that make up stories to make themselves look like the good deed doers.....sad! (I will leave it at that) ….not to mention my mom gave Cody all the information he needed to contact us, he knows how, so why would he contact “her” first. ALSO, the “story” itself didn't line up....to many holes!

So many things have happened in 3 years, and as you can see I keep the fight alive. I keep the memories of my children alive too. I won't give up. One day I will blog about or reunion.

Although I hate to see my life in the next 3 years without my kids, it will be interesting to see how much closer I get to actually being able to see them.

I often wonder what they are feeling or thinking. I wonder if everyday they think of me and the life we had before August 13, 2008. I wonder if they talk to each other about me? I wonder if they miss me silently so no one else will see the hurt, sadness or pain. I wonder …...if sometimes they think the life before was just a dream. Or is this just a dream? A very bad dream, a nightmare that keeps up trapped within our own sadness. This nightmare that won't allow us to wake up. The continuous torture, sadness and pain. It's all to much too handle sometimes. So sometimes, most times I don't deal with it. I suppress it, and keep it locked away deep inside my heart as if nothing ever happened, as if......if I never even had kids. Yes, that does happen from time to time. But it never lasts too long...my heart and love won't allow me to ever forget that I have 4 children out there. 4 children that are also confused, sad and experiencing the same silent sadness and pain that I am. The difference is, I learned how to share my pain when I feel the need too. I hope someday they learn the same thing.

Being able to share and express the pain and sadness of my life since the termination has been therapeutic for me. Yes, it has made me vulnerable and an easy target for “bashers” and “haters” but it's just because they don't know how it really truly feels.

Tomorrow will be 3 years since I gave into Parental Alienation. If I knew then what I know now, I bet I would still have a relationship with my kids and this nightmare would finally let us wake up.

A sticky situation.....

It has been a while since I last updated you on what was going on with the OP, my son and what has followed since I contacted him. ( the 3^rd party contacted him)

Well, if I had talked to or had more contact with my son, you would have been the first to know. Unfortunately, I have not talked to my son, nor have I had any one else try to contact him, and he hasn't tried to contact me. But I am OK!

I have however, had an outpouring of advertisements from attorney's offering there services to help me fight this last violation. Yes, it is a violation and yes, I have another warrant for my arrest. With the “help” that am being offered, I gave one of them a call just to see what was going to actually happen.

First things first. The first thing I received in mail was a notice that I had violated the OP, which when I received it, it was already to late for me to even try to appear. It was the next day. Duh...I am sure it was planned that way. Then I received a letter in mail explaining that I have a warrant and that my bail would be $1000.00. I thought, well that's not bad, all I have to come up with is 10%. OK!

Then I received a notice/motion to extend the current OP, signed and filed by.....you guessed it,

the wonderful women behind, I mean in front of the man with no backbone.

...I’m not done yet! The last thing I received was a summons from the State of Illinois vs. Angela Kadow on the violation of an OP. But that court date isn't until December 28, 2011.

OK, so where am I at with all this? I still had/have the “free help” from that attorney in Chicago, but he hasn't exactly said he would take care of this for me. He hasn't exactly said anything actually. Which I am not surprised at all by his lack of interest or willingness to help. I just keep getting “call me when you find out what the state is going to do.” I faxed him the notice to extend, the bail/warrant letter and the latest, the summons. Again, he didn't seem to want to jump in the car and fight the extension. So, I called one of the attorney's who sent me the advertisement. I actually talked to him when I got my first violation, and he was a huge help. And it cost me nothing, just a few minutes on the phone.

So I called him again. He took the time again to look at all the stuff I faxed him, and once again, he was very helpful.

He told me that first of all, the bail is actually set at $10,000 and 10% of that is $1000.00. Which he found to be extremely high for just a misdemeanor. But he said they are probably trying to send a message. (Well received!) Then he said, that the notice of motion to extend the OP, was not written properly, and had no validation. But if I didn't show up, or hire him to show up for me to fight the extension, more then likely the judge would extend it. However, most do not extend them past 2 years.

But, with 2 violations, he said he might extend it. He also said that SHE can't file it on behalf of Cody, he would have to file it himself. But the way she wrote it up, doesn't state who she wants to “protect” from me. Not to mention, as she listed the reasons why she is requesting the extension, first violation, second violation, she added, that I have still been contacting the schools. That is a lie. I have not and do not contact the schools. I will admit, that I do receive daily announcements, and newsletters. Anyone can get those, it's on the District 300 website. I haven't spoke to a teacher, a principle, a counselor, not even a janitor. She was reaching for something else to use, with the hopes he will extend the OP. Good luck!

The attorney's fees would be $500 up front and a total of $2000 to clear my name, squash the warrants and fight to get the OP dropped. I would have to come up there, to Illinois and turn myself in. I would be photographed, finger printed, the whole kit and kaboodle, and then I would post bail. Mentally, I don't know if I could handle all that. I just don't know. If I didn't have to go through all that mess, I probably would hire him and let him take care of all of this. But just the thought of that scares me to sickness.

If I don't? Well, they might extend the warrant to any jurisdiction. Meaning, that if I was in California, and got pulled over, then I could be arrested, and sit in jail until Illinois decided what to do with me.

That is the worst case scenario. He didn't think they would take it that far, being that I am not a “threat” they are not in fear and I live 700 miles away. But, worst cases seem to be my motto.

I am slightly disappointed in that attorney from Chicago that said I could consider him my attorney if anyone asked. But like I've said before, I can't trust any of them. I see it happen all the time on TV, some lucky dog gets representation for free because they think he is being unfairly treated. Or, the story is just so bizarre that they get a movie, a book deal and Gloria Albright to represent them. Dang it, who's out there for me? Where is Gloria when I need her? Ha!

So should I have waited until the OP expired before I tried to contact him? Or in this case, a third party? Probably so. But, what would you have done? If you hadn't seen your child in 2 years and

knew that when he turned 18, a legal adult, you had a chance of being reunited with him. I did it because I was promised. I did it because he told me that when he turned 18 he would contact me. I did it because that attorney told me it would be OK...he was a legal adult now and there was nothing his dad or step-mom could do! Really?

I don't know how different the outcome would be if I would have waited. I know that I wouldn't have that email between him and that third party. But having that, just makes me sad knowing he wants to talk to me and reconnect, but being told he can't. It makes me sad because my hands are tied, and I can't do anything about it.

So I guess I'm going to wait this one out. I can't do anything else to try and connect with him without facing legal warfare. I can't, it's to traumatizing and mentally draining. I also don't want to put Cody in any position that he feels threatened by his dad or his step-mom.

I know he's sad, confused and mislead. He's torn between pleasing his dad, keeping the peace and wanting to talk to me. What a horrible thing for anyone to deal with. He's trapped, he's being held against his will. And he's crying out and they are not listening. Who are these people? Why are they so cruel?

I was hoping to make it to his graduation in May. But that's not gonna happen. I don't want them to try anything stupid to ruin Cody's day. And they probably would Besides, it would be so hard for me to see my boys and not be able to talk to them or hug them. It would be placing them in a very awkward position as well, and I don't want that for them.

I wanted that picture with me and my son in his graduation gown. But I won't have that chance. I won't be able to share that special day with him. I won't be able to tell him how proud I am of him. I won't be able to capture all the memories of that day. That was stolen from me. It was stolen from us.

So, until he's totally out of the house, out from under the control and dictatorship of his father and step-mom. I am done. I've already taken to many risks, and caused problems for myself, and heartbreak for Cody.

All I wanted to do was reconnect with the son that was stolen from me. Was that such a bad thing?

How do you define faith, hope and love.....

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Ever since I heard that scripture, several years ago, I have held onto it to remind me that even though I don't know what my plans are for myself, or my kids or our futures together, God does.

Yes, it's hard for me to “lean” on God when I know that is what we are suppose to do in our darkest hour. But, I have had my share of disappointment with knowing that as well. I have shared with you that I was raised to be a God fearing, Bible devoted, church going Christian. To count on God and to put our faith in him, and believe that without him we won't make it to the pearly gates that await us upon his glorious return. But after I lost the rights to my children, I have lost so much of that faith, hope and love that I have been raised to have. Well, not so much love part, I still have that ability.

Every time I entered a court room or faced an attorney, I silently prayed for strength, guidance and wisdom. Even though deep down inside I was about to loose my ever loving mind. We all know, that when we pray God hears our prayers? Or so we are taught, duh! It's frustrating to know, that the same things we pray about day after day just seem to go unnoticed, and unanswered. I don't know why, and I don't know how to find out. But I have been told that when we least expect it, God will answer our prayers. But is it God or is it just a coincidence? Was it because all the stars were lined up the right way? Was it that penny we threw in that magic fountain at the mall? Or maybe it was that fortune cookie at the Chinese restaurant. Whatever, or however you choose to believe how, “what you prayed for somehow came true,” we were thankful at that moment for a miracle, and we all thanked God for answering “that” prayer. Right?

I had so much faith, or so I thought, each and every time I was about to head into the lions den.

I thought I was able to fight like Daniel did. I put on my invisible breast plate of righteousness, and pulled out my invisible sword and was ready to take on this lion. But unlike Daniel, and the happy ending he had with slaying that lion, I didn't get so lucky. Instead, I was left feeling more like the lion on “The Wizard of Oz.” afraid, depleted and with no courage left to fight. I had no happy ending.

So much for that armor! (by the way, I know he didn't use a sword to fight that lion. He used his sling shot)

We have all heard the saying, “faith can move mountains.” Well, I use to believe that. But that same stupid mountain just never moved out of my way. It always blocked me from getting to the other side.

There was always some reason why I couldn't move it to the other side, knock it down or push with all my “faith” to move that dang mountain out of my way. And it still gets in the way to this dang day. Stupid red tape!

Without faith, nothing is possible, but with God all things are possible. OK, I've had a hard time with this too. We all hold on to faith. We all hold onto it with all we have. When we are waiting for a job promotion that we've worked hard for. When we have a loved one that is sick, we hold onto our faith that God will see us through. We hold onto hope for a breakthrough, or a healing. But how long do we hold on? We don't have to be “religious” to say “it was faith that got me through the hard times.” We don't have to be raised in church to know that hope is what we hold onto when we see no end in sight.

I think it's our own abilities that get us through the hard times. It's how we deal with it will determine the outcome. It's our environment and experiences that mold us into who we are and how we handle situations.

I was recently told to stop counting on God to help me because it doesn't hold us accountable for our actions. It took me a few times to read it to really understand the meaning behind it. But when I finally got what it meant, I realized she was right. Even though, I know that we will all be held accountable for our actions on judgment day. But trying to cry out to God hasn't worked for me in the past, why do I keep crying out to him now for help? It's a touchy subject. One that I choose not to touch on today. I am going to put it in my “I don't know file” and move on.

But everyday I wish I had an ounce of faith to believe that one day I will see my kids. That one day, I will not be judged on what I have or haven't done to protect my kids. But by the person that I have become. By my character, my determination, my perseverance and my ability to continue to love those who choose to judge me. My ability to forgive and love without questions, without conditions. This ability I have to smile when I should have a frown. Or this is a crazy thought, maybe I have to be thankful for the life that I have been given. The time I had with my kids. The love that I showed them when we were together. Maybe the one thing they will remember is that I did love them. Maybe it's that little bit of hope we all posses, religious or not, that ounce of faith, God or not, that ability to love no matter what....maybe just maybe those qualities I have passed onto my kids. And maybe, just maybe they have faith, hope and love too.

So how do I define faith, hope and love? I believe that it doesn't have to be a religious thing. I think we all posses the ability to hold on to hope. We all have a form of “faith” we cling too and we all love in our own way. We all won't agree on what the definition is because we are all individuals with different backgrounds, upbringings and beliefs. But we all want good for each other. We don't want any ill will to come to even our worst of enemies. (well...maybe.....)

I will define it this way. I will see my kids someday. Someday I will be reunited with my boys. Someday, all of this will be put to rest and our lives will back to “normal.” Someday, someone will pay for what they have done. I will see my kids graduate, I will see them married and I will see them happy. I will see this happen in my lifetime. Call it hope, call it faith...call it what you want.

I call it a promise!

Handling a situation......the Parental Alienation way

I know, I know it's been a few days since I updated you on what was going on, and I will. But first, I would like to thank all of you who are supporting me and my efforts to reconnect with my son. All your prayers are appreciated and still needed. Keep it up, I will need all the prayers and support in the next weeks, and months ahead.

I called to find out if the “cop” that called me was legit, and he was. I asked for a copy of the complaint, and was told that it was sent to the states attorney’s office and that I cannot get a copy.

I was not happy to hear either one of those things.

So, I started doing a little research myself. The OP that was issued in February 2009, states that “I can't contact the minor children.” until January 2011. As of November 12, 2010 Cody is no longer considered a minor, he is now an adult. Legally an adult. Which means that I have done nothing wrong.

Which also means that it no longer applies to him.

I wanted to clarify this so I spoke to several attorney’s in that surrounding area that would know the laws. It was confirmed, and I was right.

As for the complaint. I am waiting to find out if the complaint was made by the “petitioner” of the original OP, or if it was made by Cody himself. If it was done by the “petitioner” that person can't legally do that on his behalf. Which again, is a plus. If Cody filed it (which we believe he didn't) and he decides to file an OP on me, I have his words stating that “I want to talk to my mom but my dad gets mad.” The attorney’s also said that the judge will throw his OP out, believing that he does want to talk to me, and he is being forced to file it. Which is called coercion and intimidation. He is an adult, and is capable of making up his own mind, especially if he expressed he wants to speak to his mom and his being denied his right to do so.

I found out that the “freedom of information act” gives me the right to ask for, and receive a copy of that complaint. Didn't know this...it's called civil rights. Or so I was told. I am finally getting the right information, from the right people. People who are on my side and willing to go to bat for me. Go to bat for my kids, for my son Cody who has been silenced. Who's voice is not allowed to be heard. Who's rights are also being infringed upon and who desperately is crying out and no one is listening. But I am, and I won't be silenced or told to that what I am trying to do, or tried to do was wrong.

This is no longer “What I did wrong” but how wrong it is for this kind of behavior to continue to go on in our society. How wrong it is to file complaints against someone when there is no grounds to do so.

I was told that the original OP wasn't warranted for the entire family. I didn't try to contact “them” back in 2008. All I did was call my son for his 16^th birthday. We talked a few times during that week, then it stopped. Then came the OP for the entire family. Throughout my findings, I have been told a phone call to my son, didn't warrant an OP. I wasn't harassing or stalking him. Or anyone in that family for that matter.

As for the warrant and violation that happened when I innocently signed up for FB back in 2009.

We all know about that....anyway, I was told do I actually know I have a warrant? Or am I just believing what I was told by those 100 attorney’s that sent me letters begging me to hire them to help me.

I spoke to a friend at another police department (but in that area) asking what happens in the case of another violation of an OP. I was told that all they could do was just issue another warrant. So do I have a warrant or don't I? I don't actually know for sure. Working on that too.

I am not going to be hauled off to jail. The state of Illinois has better things to do then extradite me to Illinois for a violation of an OP, that really shouldn't have been filed in the first place. Not to mention that this “violation” really wasn't or isn't a “legal” violation since according to the OP Cody is no longer a minor as it states in black and white.

So what's next? Well, I have some great people working on my behalf to get all this stuff figured out. My hero's in the fight against Parental Alienation. It feels great to finally have someone willing to go to bat for me. It's not just my fight, but a fight for all the parents who have been alienated from their children. This is my chance to give parents hope, and to keep the dream of being reunited with their children alive. We have a voice and we have rights.

Who knows where I might be going with this voice of mine. This campaign to have parents charged with abuse when found guilty of Parental Alienation, needs to be passed as a law. This is a crime, and children are being silenced.

Parents every day are being alienated from their children and the courts will do nothing to stop it.

Until we can get all the states to recognize this as a crime, it will continue to happen. But, with our voices, we can be the voices of all those children who are silenced. We can be the voices for all the mothers and fathers who have been alienated from their children.

We can take a stand.

A call from the popo

So, my phone rings a few hours ago and it's from an 847 area code. I just froze, thinking that it might just be Cody. It's a Saturday night, he's out with friends and he's gonna call me. WRONG!!! It was from an officer at the Dundee Police Dept asking me to “cease and desist” my efforts to make contact. Apparently, although Cody is now 18, he is still under the protection of the OP.

I told the officer that he's 18. He told me that since the OP doesn't expire until 2011, he is still part of that order, therefore it's a violation and I violated the OP.

I knew that I wasn't exactly out of the line of fire, I was taking a risk. But did ask all the questions before I did, just to see what my options are, what's at stake and what the consequences might be.

If it's just this “cease and desist” I can live with that. Come January 2011, I am no longer under the OP and I will probably just let it all go. Each and every time I think I'm making the right decision, it backfires and once again I am being reprimanded.

If anyone knows the law regarding this situation, please feel free to share what you may know. I need all the help I can get.

God does answer prayers.......

So life is a little bit brighter for me tonight. I have my hope back, I have my spirit back and I have NOT fully lost my son.

Knowing a friend of a friend...this friend started talking to Cody via IM ...he knows who she is, but doesn't know that she is helping me out. Anyway, I receive a message on my phone from her, with an email attachment, I open it and it's a conversation between her and Cody.

They talk for a few minutes and she asks how he's doing, he says “shortly declining, long story short, my REAL mom wants to talk to me and I want to talk to her, but my dad is pissed and doesn't want me too, but I do.”

She encourages him too, and he says “ya, she lives in Alabama and either I text her, IM her or email, but if I do my dad will get mad, if I don't my mom will get mad.”

First of all, I won't get mad if he doesn't....I am sad, but not mad. I totally understand and don't want to put him in a position that he doesn't need to be in. BUT HE WANTS TO TALK TO ME!!!!

By this time in the email I am in tears, balling my eyes out. My son wants to talk to me, AND contact me but his dad won't let him, or will get mad at him if he does.

So this is where I am at with this.....I want to reach out to him....I want to tell him that I want to reconnect with him.

So she and I are working slowly with this. She gave him her number for him to call her/text her. She is going to slowly start encouraging him, and eventually she will tell him that she is working with me to reconnect with him. But we are doing this delicately.

All I care about are the words “I want to talk to her.........” Those are the words that I have waited for for 2 years.

He has thought of me, he remembers me …....... THANK YOU GOD for answering my prayers. Giving me what I have prayed for, dreamed of and imagined. This is a small step, but I will take it and always look forward.

*I didn't ask this person to FB him nor did I ask this person to start a conversation with him. She did all that on her own. I had no idea that a frined on my FB had a sister that graduated from the same school that he attends. SHE took it upon herself to ask her sister if she knew him, and it went from there. I didn't know this was going on until after she received his friend request confirmation. I never spoke to this person directly over the phone, or email. She and I texted just a few times. She got my number from her sister who I gave permission to share it with her.

*any other thrid party contact that was made to my son,  was done so by that individual and I had no control over what they did or said.

It finally hit me......

Here I am, it's 10:30 on November 17^th 2010 and I can't sleep. It's early for some, yes, and I just turned off the TV. Up until 10, I was watching one of my favorite shows, Seinfeld. I could barely keep my eyes open during the last episode, but I fought the sleep and watched till it was over, then turned it off. Thinking that I will just fall asleep, and into a nice dream. Well, I was wrong. My mind wondered off and it finally hit me. One tear, then two....a sniff, sniff and well..... here I am.

I kept telling myself while I laid there, that I actually did set myself up for disappointment. I actually wanted to believe that Cody would call me, text me or email me...SOMETHING!! But, he didn't. I am truly heartbroken. So this is what it feels like? It's painful. I don't want to move, I can't move, I'm paralyzed and numb. I am truly alone....no one hears my cry, sees my pain or wipes my tears.

I set myself up for 2 years thinking that my son would call me when he turned 18. I was so sure of it. I knew in my heart he would. I never did anything to him for him not to want to contact me. Or did I?

This is the guilt, the shame and humiliation that I struggle with all the time. It's deep down inside my soul, the guilt, the pain. I haven't cried in over a year about any of this, but tonight I couldn't hold back the tears. They hate me. They don't love me. They don't want to know me, or see me ever again. It truly is over. I am no longer a thought or a memory in their minds.

I thought that November 12 would be the day of celebration, joy and happiness, but it wasn't. I thought by now I would have talked to him, made Thanksgiving plans, possibly Christmas plans. I dreamed of the day. All was forgiven and life was normal. I was mom again. I heard the words mom....he would call me mom. It's a faint whisper.....

I set myself up for heartbreak. I convinced myself that nothing could separate us for too long. That the bond a mother and child have is inseparable. I thought........I told myself to hang on to hope. It will happen.

I was sent about 70 pictures of Cody the other day. He has grown up so much. He's a young man. He's tall and handsome. He has a girlfriend. I am missing his life. It's been stolen from me....so I cry. I am mad, disappointed, frustrated, bitter and heartbroken. I need to just scream so this pain goes away. I need to run and hide, I need to just let it all go.....but it's so hard, I CAN'T!!! I want my son....I can have him now, he's 18....right? But he doesn't want me to be part of his life. I try to tell myself that I am the last thing on his mind, that he's busy with school, a girlfriend and maybe even a job. I am consumed with this now, knowing he's reached that age, the age of promise, the age of truth, the age that gave me hope. It's all a nightmare....did any of this really happen? Am I just in a horrible nightmare that's lasted 10 years? AHHHHH..............*this is my own nightmare*.....

This isn't what I had planned.....this isn't working. I've been sad deep inside, hiding it away from everyone, quiet and secretive....not showing my true feelings, but my heart is breaking and I have to let you know this SUCKS......!!!! I WANT TO SHARE THINGS WITH MY SON ….......be with my son. Be his mom......

I was raised to believe that God hears our cries, and answers our prayers....what do I have to do in this lifetime to get him to hear these cries, see these real tears and feel this pain of mine? What do I have to do, to get him to answer my prayer? I've been down the road of the “good christian” girl. I've read and studied my Bible, went to church and fell on my knees begging for him to hear me. Where are you at now? I'm so bitter, I am mad at God. Is that OK? Isn't that aloud? I tried to “walk the walk” believe in faith the size of a mustard seed... a God that can move mountains and part the red sea can surely give my son back to me. IS THAT TO MUCH TO ASK?? I have been quiet and sat in the back row for to long now.....I want to see my son! GIVE ME SOMETHING PLEASE!!!

I don't understand this, I really don't!

I feel like a failure. I have failed my boys. They have been fed the lies......it worked.

What happened to my positive thinking....?? REALITY IT ME.....it's not gonna happen!!!