This is very important for all to understand. In some cases, such as mine, the slow process over a period of time can become daunting. It can make you physically sick, and mentally worn down.
The agonizing task of emailing them to ask if I could pick up the kids a little early so we can attend a family event, and being told no over and over again, gets to you. Especially when there is no reason for being told no. They never strayed off that court ordered time of visitation that I was given, even though it says “not limited too.” However, I did remind them of those little and meaningless 3 words to them over and over...and yet it didn’t even phase them. The LESS time I was spending with my kids the better his plan was working. But why? Why wouldn’t you just agree to let me see the boys for an extra hour? Why didn’t you allow for me to pick them up a little bit early so we could go have dinner with some of my relatives that were in from out of town?
The beginning of our divorce was hard. I was left out in the cold, with no place to actually go.
When I was made to leave the house back in May of 2000, I stayed with my aunt and few nights, then a family friend. In June of that year I was moved in with Brian.
I will admit, I had a difficult time dealing with all the aspects of a seperation and divorce. I was scattered brained. To many people telling me what do to and what not to do. But who are they to tell me what I should be doing or not doing? I was feeling so lost and confused. I was being thrown in so many different directions. The only person who held me together was Brain. He was the constant in my life. The pilar of strength I needed in my life at that time. He was the one I relied on.
After I setteled in his home, and made myself comfortable, we know had to figure out a way to get the kids from Dundee to Kankakee. I still had my car at the time, and I still had that first order of visitation. So for a little while, I would drive to Dundee on Saturdays and spend time with the boys. The order hadn’t been changed yet to reflect a full weekend, so I just spent Saturdays with them.
Then I would drive back to Kankakee.
But when my car was repoed I was unable to make the trip to Dundee to see my boys. That wasn’t easy. But it was all part of the alienation process. Up until that time, the ex was paying for my car. But for some reason he decided to stop paying for it. And then left me with no transportation.
Not being able to see my kids for a few weeks, was also part of the plan. He was going to use that in court later on to show that I didn’t even show up for visitation with the boys. I would forever be judged as the parent who just didn’t care. Which isn’t true. I always cared and loved my kids, he just made it impossible for me.
He was establishing the primary care giver roll, while he portrayed me as the mother who left her kids to be with another man. Again, that is wrong. Brian was the last resort for me. I stayed with 2 other people before I moved in with him. And, I only lived with him from June of 2000 until August of 2000. I moved back to Carpentersville that August...but stayed with my aunt and uncle until I was able to move into my apartment and find a job.
It wasn’t easy trying to grasp all the stuff that was going on. The attorney I had immediatly started the child support order, which I wasn’t working at the time...so that started to add up. Then when I did get a job, it wasn’t set up to take the money out of my check to pay that child support....and I had no idea how do to any of this stuff. It was all a foreign to me. I was just trying to process this entire mess. It was to much to handle.
So after I moved back to C’ville, my attorney set up a new visitation schedule. Wed nights from 6-9 and weekends.
But there were so many things the ex pulled with me even during that time that should have set off red flags to me.
For example:
November of 2000, I was to have the kids with me for Thanksgiving that year. My family came in from Tennessee to spend time with me and bring a car to drive until I was able to get one on my own.
I had the kids for Wed night, like on the order, but when I asked if I could just keep the kids for the night, since they were coming back the next day for Thanksgiving, he said no! So instead of allowing my kids to stay the night with me, and spend time with my family, he thinks it’s better for them if he just brings them back by 8 am the next day! I was not happy about that, but he was in control now, and I wasn’t. So his answer was no.
It was also in the order that I was to have the kids for the entire weekend of Thanksgiving. But he didn’t seem to comprehend that the entire weekend meant, sleep over too. So on Thanksgiving night, he came and picked up the kids and brought them back to me on Friday night at 6pm to start our weekend visitation. Are you kidding me? But, this was all part of him making my life difficult. This was him on a power trip and not using common sense. This was only the beginning of the struggles I had with him.
Isolation
Isolation makes children more vulnerable to divorce posion. It is an alienating behavior.
1. Isolation breeds dependence
2. it prevents exposure to competing views of reality.
Isolation removes the child from the influence of people who would counteract the effects of bad-mouthing and bashing.
One common means of achieving isolation is to keep the target parent from seeing or spending time with the children. Another example of this, which happend to me on several occassions, was when I would arrive at his house to pick them up for our scheduled visitation, no one is home.
Another common trait of an alienating behavior is screening phone calls. Just letting the machine pick up the calls. Of course, these calls are never returned. This also happend to me on several occassions. Eventually I just gave up calling. Which is what made the ex very effective in promoting alienation.
So these were not all of a sudden over night experiences that I had with PA. It was over a period of 8 years....which then led to the forced relinquishment.
Now when I say forced, I literatly mean I was forced into making the decision to do it. His attorney and mine, actually gave me a deadline, or else type of ultimatum. Like I said befor though, both attorney’s will deny that accusation, and rightly so, they can’t admit to actually forcing a loving parent into doing something they didn’t want to do. That would make them monsters.
Stripping
Isolation achieves physical seperation, but brainwashing also requires breaking symbolic and emotional connections. Cult scholars call this “stripping.”
They do so by purging their home of any reminders of the other parent. They remove all photographs of the absent parent. They avoid mentioning the other parents name and they discourage the kids of speaking positively about the other parent.
They learn to associate even there persoanl belongings with “dads home” and “moms home.”
The children learn that anything associated with “mom’s house” in my case, was unwelcome in the “dad’s”home.
A perfect example of this happend to me. Dalton had wore socks and underwear from my house home to his dad’s. That Monday morning I reveived an email from “her” requesting that I please mail the socks and underwear that he had on when he was picked up for my visitation.
I responed to her email and told her I was not going to mail them back to them. That they will be returned at the next scheduled visitation. Not another word was mentioned about those socks and underwear.
It was these petty little things that just made my skin crawl. Are we seriously going to get as petty as socks and underwear? I tapped the boys frantically searching for the clothes they wore to my house, before it was time to take them back home. They said we have to find them or we will get in trouble. They don’t want us to bring home “your” stuff. My heart sank for my boys. I tried to tell them that there is no need for daddy to get mad, they’re just clothes. But, they insisted on making sure they had those clothes to take back home. So sad!
The name game
The alienator will go as far as changing the child’s names or middle names so the child can’t identify with the other parent. This changes the way the child relate to the target parent.
Parents who engage in this practice are usually oblivious to the impact this had on the children.
It expresses a depreciation of the child’s tie to the other parent.
She resented that middle names I chose for my kids, when they were born. Especially my son Austin, who’s middle name was Jeffery after my dad....and chaned to William.
The children overhear the alienators call the target parent by his or her first name. They repeat it so often that the children begin to refer to the target parent by their first name. Same with derogatory terms. This teaches the children to be disrespectful of the target parent and her family.
Encroachment
When efforts to eliminate contact between the target and the child are unsuccessful, one option remains. The parent tries to sabotage the child’s enjoyment of the contact.
This happend to us on sever occasions. The boys would avoid having “to much fun” while at our house because they were told not to have to much fun or it would make “us” sad. Although, my kids always seemed to have fun and looked forward to our visits. They always seemed to be more excited to go back to dad’s because of he manipulated the boys with promises of rewards for returning home.
One time during our 2 week summer visitaion, SHE sent the kids letters and a birthday card to Brandon. One year, her whole family sent him birthday cards. Even though there wasn’t suppose to be any interuptions during my time. This was a distraction and intended for that purpose. They didn’t need to send the cards directly to my home. They could just send the cards to the dad’s house.
A common strategy for undercutting children’s pleasure with a parent is to refuse to let the children take important possessions with them when they spend time with the other parent.
If the boys did ever express the fun they had with me, he would top it with something bigger or better.
Cloak and dagger
Some parents enlist their children as accomplices in operations against the target parent. They instruct the children to keep secrets, to spy and to report back to the other parent.
I found a note one time written by my son from when I got onto my other son for being direspectful.
He was clearly taking notes of visits.
The parents will also coach the kids to lie in court under oath.
This happend to me as well. Their dad wanted them to an on camera interview about visits at my home. But the judge told him that was not going to happen. That there was no indication that these kids were in a position to have to do that. Nothing warranted this type of interview.
resources came from Divorce Poison by Dr. Richard Warshak
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