The truth be told.....

This was a bill from HIS attorney. The amount I was ordered to pay for his contempt charges on me from not paying child support in 2000-2002.

This is the original order.

This is the annual payment  I had to make to the Kane County child support division. So I was paying them to process my child support. This is standard procedure.

Setting it free

Being alienated from your kids isn't something that everyone will understand. Heck, sometimes we don't believe that it is true. We find ourselves in situations were we are embarrassed to talk about it when asked the dreaded question “do you have kids?” For me, it's a huge ordeal! I usually look away from the person who asks me, I don't make eye contact and I say, “yes, I have 4 boys!” If I'm lucky, all I get is, “wow, you must have your hands full?” My usual reply is, “you have no idea!” Then I try to remove myself from the conversation as quickly as possible. I will pretend I need to answer my phone, or a I slip off to the bathroom. I really do need to come up with a better system!

The conversation about my kids truly is something I don't share with just anyone. If I am just meeting someone, it isn't the first thing I bring up. It is just a conversation that I choose to share carefully. It usually takes me a while before I decide to share information about my situation with people I just meet. I don't want them to get the wrong impression of me from the beginning of the relationship. I have to feel these people out. See if they are trustworthy, compassionate and most of all nonjudgmental. For the most part, I can say, I have met more people with compassion, then those who don't want to believe me.

In 2010, when I first started sharing my story, I wasn't trying to gain sympathy from my readers, my family or friends. I was just trying to share my story and get that burden off my shoulders. I was however, hoping that when my family and extended family read my story, they would see it from my point of view and not believe what they have been told. Yes, there are two sides to every story, and of course, the person telling the story is sure that there's is the right story and you should believe what they are telling you is the truth. However, if the person telling that story can't back up the claims in that story they are telling, then more then likely that story they are feeding you is made up of lies!

I have never shared this with you, but I now will: After I would type of my story for the day, my coworkers would want to read the latest chapter, so one of them would print it off and pass it around. The day after I received a nasty email from one of my facebook friends (who was immediately deleted)

telling me how horrible I was, and how she could never give up her daughter, how she worked 2 jobs just to support her....ya, ya I get it! Anyway, I of course emailed her right back and expressed to her how she did what she had to do in HER situation. Mine was different, etc.

Anyhow, I overheard one of my co-workers tell another that she didn't believe a word I said, and she s thought the girl who emailed me that horrible letter was right on the money! I kid you not! I was stunned! I so badly wanted to march right up to her and let her know that I heard everything she just said and I didn't appreciate it. But, because I wasn't an actual employee there and worked for Pathgroup, I decided to keep my mouth shut. But, I did confront the other employee whom the other one told....I didn't care if she shared it with the other employee either. So up until the day I left that office in July of 2011, I kept this to myself! It's so sad to actually say I witnessed with my own eyes and ears the betrayal of who I thought was a friend. She was the only one that made that type of remark towards me and about my story. (as far as I know) I truly believe that I did make some life long friends in that office. I still talk to them to this day. They are truly friends! Miss you, you know who you are! :)

“Well, how do you know that what I have been sharing with you all this time is the truth?” My story has never changed from day one, that's how! Everything I have shared with you has been consistent. It has matched up with the statistics of Parental Alienation.

See, when someone doesn't want to hear the truth, or believe what they are hearing or seeing, they can't make themselves feel compassion for that person. They are blind to the pain of the other person.

I guess, people are going to believe what they want to believe, until they are up close and personal to the truth! ...and sometimes, that isn't even enough!

I wanted to add more to my story, but wasn't sure if I was ready to do that.

After much thought and consideration, I have decided to share detailed emails communications, letters and court documents that I have collected during the course of my divorce.

Here you will be able to put it all together from what I shared with you in my story. I wish I would have

added these in with the chapters as I talked about them But, believe me, it will all come back to you.

However, to protect the well fare of my being I will have to block out the other parties names for legal reasons.

First I will begin with a letter that I found from “his” first affair. This was written while he was in CA...after Cody was born. Then I will share a letter that his mom wrote to him about me.

I am going to try my hardest to share everything in sequence to my story.

If you look back to the beginning of my story, you will see that I mentioned both of these letters.

Ahhhh, the truth shall set you free!

This is a letter from a mother to her son. (his mom) this is what brain
washing looks like.

This is a letter he wrote during his first affair. He was in Ca at the time. Notice all the markings, remember I said I wrote her a letter. Well I was asking about those areas.I also TRIED using this in court, but got denied.

I am a proud Mama

I can't help but think about what Cody is going through while he is adjusting to his first few days being away from “home” and being on his own. Although he isn't alone, he probably will feel like he might be in the weeks ahead of him. Even with 100 other recruits surrounding him. In the weeks ahead, he will change into a different person. In thirteen weeks he will no longer be Cody the civilian, he will become Cody the Marine. But this process for him and all the recruits will be a long one, filled with good and bad times. Filled with highs and lows. Filled with sickness and regret.

I have been so lucky to find so many things online regarding boot camp and information about what he is experiencing. I have been able to share my support by posting things I find on my 4 ever their mom facebook page. This is the ONLY way I can show my support for Cody. Show him that I love him and I am his biggest fan sitting on the sidelines cheering him on.

Being able to have and share even the smallest bit of information makes me feel like I have some form of connection to him and with him. Something that can't be taken away from me.

It is no secret, I am so happy he is no longer under the control and influence of his dad or step mom.

I am so glad he chose this path to take. It shows he is strong willed and not afraid to try new things. He's not afraid of a challenge. (He must get that from me)

It is really hard to sit back and NOT write him a letter. But trust me, if I could I would! They haven't been able to send the first letter home yet....but so bad I wish the letter home would be to me. I am always hopeful.

Although I have always been one to support our troops and show compassion for the military. It's nothing that I ever really thought about much. The first 4 years of my marriage to Cody's dad, I lived and breathed military. When he (his dad) was away at boot camp I was always writing him letters. I dreamed of a life when we were together as a family and all the boot camp and distance was behind us. When he finally finished his year long unaccompanied tour in Japan, we moved to Jacksonville, North Carolina, right outside of Camp Lejuene. This is were I had my first taste of being a military wife and living the military life. At that time, it was just another milestone in our lives. Things I should have embraced and held onto I didn't. I have memories of that time in my life, some good and some not so good.

I will always have a connection to Jacksonville. I spent 2 years of my life there. Brandon was born there..and this is where I was on my own for the very first time. My first home with Cody was in Jacksonville. I remember going through the gates of the base and seeing the Marines running in formation...I would always roll down my window just so I could here them chanting a military song as they ran. I loved that, and thought it was so cool.

I remember going shopping at the PX with Cody and buying him a hat that says “future Marine” on it and shirts that say “my dad is a US Marine.”

As I think about that time in my life, I can't help but think that Cody was with me while I listened to those Marines run and chant. He was with me when I bought that hat and t-shirts for him to wear and support his daddy. He walked on the grounds of Camp Lejuene as a little guy hand in hand with his dad.

Little did I know this was is future. This was his path to take.

I am a proud of my son, Cody.

I love you and Semper Fi!

Hello God, are you kidding me?

On January 29^th, 2011 the Order of Protection from 2009 expired. I was FREE! My oldest son was FREE! Or so I thought. It defiantly hasn't been the reunion I had hoped it would be. It wasn't what I dreamed of or envisioned in my head. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I didn't think it would be so hard either. What was I thinking?

After the OP expired, I knew that I still needed to be careful, but didn't need to walk on eggshells either.

Although I had the 2 warrants outstanding in Illinois, I still felt like I was being monitored. That was the reason for me not attending my oldest son's graduation. I didn't feel the need to make a scene on his big day. Even though I knew I wouldn't be the one to make the scene, they would just to be ugly. That's just who they are. To them, nailing me to my own cross on graduation day in front of Cody, that would have been the highlight of the day. Not the graduation.

Since then, we really haven't had any contact. It has been relatively quiet. Which always drives me crazy. It's the silence that scares me more then anything. Their silence. I don't know what they have planned. If they are hiding and lurking about. I'm paranoid I guess. But, I am always looking around, questioning weird out of the ordinary things. Like why is that blue truck following me? Or was it following me? Why does this guy keep looking at me? Who keeps driving past my house? Seriously, these things run through my head. All. The. Time.

After moving to Ga, I've been less paranoid. But any odd car that does drive slow past our house, I tend to silently freak out. Like a week or two after we moved in, a man drove down our street, stopped in front of our house, got out of his truck and took a picture. I saw him from my bedroom window. What the crap was that? Did they find out I moved? Did they want to see where I was living? How I was living? Again, freaked me out. That same fear from living in Alabama followed me right to Ga. Crap, how did they know I moved? And, who was the guy in the truck taking a picture of our new house?

Come to find out, it was just the insurance adjuster taking a picture for our insurance. But see, that is how I live. This is why I left Dundee when I did way back in 2000. I feared for my life. I honestly didn't trust them. They are the type of family that would hire a hitman and not think twice about it. I am not joking! And this is where my kids are growing up. This is the type of men they are raising my children to be. Very sad!

A few months ago, we had, what I thought was a breakthrough with my oldest son. I created a facebook page titled 4 ever their mom. On it I was going to share my thoughts about my life without my kids. The struggles, the sadness...the pain I feel sometimes not being able to raise my kids. I wanted to share past memories with the hopes that it would reach them. It did exactly what I wanted it to do. But as far as I know, only my oldest has looked at it. He made a few comments on it stating that “it's stupid” told me that I do it just so people would feel sorry for me. But that is not why I did it. I did it just to get what I wanted it to do...and it worked. He looked, and still looks to this day. But he hasn't made a comment since September. That's when it all actually began. But it didn't last long at all. Just a few comments and then he was done. So I made it even more tempting for him. I posted old pictures on it from the life we had. The memories, the good times...the happy times. I wanted it to get at him. I wanted it to be so irresistible it killed him not to look to see what I posted next. I wanted it to tear at his heart strings. Did it? I may never know.

His comments, I'd like to think was his way of reaching out. I think that at that time he wanted to tell me something. He wanted to talk. I think he just didn't know how or where to begin. Or someone was interfering with his decision to call me. Or all of the above. But deep down I knew he needed to tell me something. He wanted to talk. I just wish he would have.

That same month, in September, I was trying to settle in our new home. Painting, unpacking and getting things nestled away in the proper places. His comments on 4 ever their mom gave me hope and motivation. I sent him a nice email inviting him to Thanksgiving at our house. All expenses paid. I wanted him home. I was hopeful! No response. But that didn't break me. I just knew he was waiting for that perfect moment to call. I was hoping it would have been soon. I was waiting for something that never happened.

During this time, I learned that he joined the Marine Corp. He enlisted in August, around the 4^th or so.

It is amazing when you just google search something, you find out a ton of things. It doesn't hurt that I know a few people up their neck of the woods either! I get by with a little help from my friends...isn't that the way the song goes? Anyway, when I first heard of the news, I cried. It was a roller coaster of emotions. I didn't know what to think. It took me a while, then I knew this was the best thing for him. He was getting out of the cult he was trapped in. This was a good thing! A great thing! I instantly felt proud. I needed to know more...so back to the research lab I went. Trying to find out as much information as I could. (thanks to another friend) I found out who his recruiter was/is, and found out he would be going to boot camp in April 2012 in San Diego. I never spoke to the recruiter ….all was found out on the WWW! Gotta love it! They probably scratch their heads in wonder. You can't hide everything.

At the moment I let the sadness leave me, I allowed the joy and happiness in. I was a proud mom. Although he didn't know it. But I was. I was the mother of a military son. Never knew how something like that would feel. Was I suppose to feel happy about the fact that he followed in his dads footsteps?

I wrinkle my nose at the thought sometimes, that “yea, he followed in his dads footsteps!” But hopefully he won't make the same mistakes that his dad did while serving our country. Maybe he didn't tell him that when he joined in 1992, he went in as a Private First Class but 4 years later was discharged as a Private. He just couldn't keep his pants on. Literally! Hopefully he told his son all the right things to do. Not what he did. He basically pissed 4 years of a military career away for one night with a women who cried rape. To this day I wish I hadn't tried to save his butt from serving time in the brigg. If I had, I wouldn't being sharing this with you now. I'd have my sons...

Even though, deep down I am so proud of him (my son) I am also very scared for him too. I remember the toll it took on his dad during boot camp. I remember the person who left and the person he came back to be.

Being in the service changes a person. For his dad, it didn't do him any good, obviously. But for this new recruit, I hope it changes his life for the better.

Most recently, I learned that his leave for boot camp was changed to January 17^th. I don't know why it changed, it just did. ( I bet they are trying to figure out who or how I am getting this information, and I hope it's driving them crazy!)

Anyway, in November, he turned 19. A Happy Birthday text was sent. And a few texts back and forth...but nothing to get to excited about. One morning, a few weeks ago my sister called me. Told me that HE tried to call her. She missed the call but immediately called him back. When he picked up the phone he just said “bla bla bla bla bla!” and hung up. I sent him a text....reminding him he called not her...and when answering the phone it's polite to say hello....not bla bla bla bla! He texted back saying he never called....etc. After that encounter that's all we heard from him. That was in the beginning of December.

A week before Christmas, I sent him a text, telling him I will be in Kankakee over the Christmas Holiday and I would love for him to come down and visit. I said there is family that would also like to see you and I would love to meet your girlfriend. I ended the text love you-mom.

He texted back ...Angela? I said no, love mom...Angela is your mom.

This was the last text conversation we had.

Christmas came and went. I was in Chicago only 100 miles or less from them and I can't even see them. I wasn't going to bother him again ….and I didn't. He knew where I was and how to reach me. I left the ball in his court.

December 29^th at about 930 in the am...I got a call from an 847 area code. It was a Detective with the Kane County Sheriff department....said that my son filed a complaint and that I was in violation of a court ordered Order of Protection. I explained to the detective that I have never been served with this extended order...(which expires in 2075) and that I only knew of the one from 2009 and that expired Jan 29 at midnight 2011. She went on to say she is looking at it in front of her. I told her that OP's don't get extended for longer periods then 2 years...she said this is what it says. I told her that he's 19 and he's an adult in Illinois...she said it didn't matter and that he was still under the old one as long as his name was on it and he didn't remove it. I have to say she was friendly. I told her I don't have the order...and as far as it was concerned the old one expired. She was going to find out why I didn't get served and get back with me.

After about 3 hours, she did. I was right, I was never served with the “extended OP” which expires in 2075. Are you kidding me? I will be dead. Boy, those people are relentless. They don't want those boys to ever reconcile with me....ever! They want to dictate what they boys do until they are in their 80's really? I will be 102 if not dead. That is just insult to injury......it's stupid! After a certain age those kids should be able to make a decision on their own. You mean to tell me that even after “the parent's” are dead...the kids still can't talk to me? You guys are ignorant....very ignorant! Your a cult...controlling the life of 4 people. No wonder he joined the Marine Corp. It's probably a better environment then in the home he lives in. And from what I've seen...and things I know...crawling through a muddy swamp is cleaner then the trash whole you live in. Get out while you can....all of you!

…...Excuse me, I needed to vent!

The nice detective told me that I would be getting served with in the next week or so. GREAT! But if I needed to ask her any questions, just to feel free to call her. Really? Should I ask her out for lunch too. Sorry lady...your not who I want to talk too!

So I will wait until I get the latest OP delivered into my hands before I decide what to do. I most certainly don't want this weighing me down for 63 years......and I don't want that to be a road block between me and my kids for the next 63 years.... That's crazy! But I know for a fact that if I do have it dismissed...they will file another one for another two years. ….They won't stop!

2075...makes me laugh! Makes me realize how stupid and ignorant those people really are. Their cult makes all the other cults, look like a Sandles getaway!

A not so happy anniversary.....

Well, tomorrow will mark the 3 year anniversary that I signed the relinquishment papers to terminate my parental rights to my kids. Thanks to the judges, attorney's and the relentless desire from their father, step mom and grandmother to destroy my life and the lives of 4 innocent children,

Our lives will forever be changed. Our lives haven't been the same since that day. I know mine hasn't, and I can only imagine what they have been feeling.

So, what has happened in the 3 years since the justice system failed me and my kids? Well, I am still here, alive a kicking. I am still a mom. I still wake up everyday to the memories of what was. I still wake up with a smile, a laugh and a spirit that won't let the memory die. I wake up knowing that today might be the day that I will hear from Cody. I wake up hopeful that someone else will give me the little push and encouragement I need to keep fighting this fight.

I found an advocacy group. I realized I am not alone. I realized that there are so many other “moms” out there that are waking up with the same broken heart as I am. I realized that I have strength and resilience. I learned how to share my story without feeling like I am going to be judged. I learned who I can and can't trust. I've learned to be patient. I've learned that road blocks have detours and that I have choices, and the road blocks are just “blocks” that can be moved. I've learned who my “real” friends are and who my “real” family is. I've learned to share what I need to and keep quiet when I need to as well. (this, I am still working on) But over all I have learned that I still love my kids. I always will. They bring me joy, happiness and fill my heart everyday with laughter. It's because of them I keep going. It's because of them I have the strength to move forward, stay positive and keep the hope alive that someday the words I share with all of you will somehow get to them.

I wrote a blog. I shared personal and intimate information with the world. I opened up my heart and soul with strangers, family and friends. I made contact with Cody (well, not verbal/one on one) but I know he's hurting, I know he wants to talk to me, but he's being denied that right. I was offered free help. I have 2 warrants. I was served with a restraining order for calling my son on his 16^th birthday. I violated that OP, not once but 2x......bla bla bla! The restraining order expired. Then it got extended, then it didn't. Then I had a 3^rd violation, then I didn't. (And the OP is long gone...for good this time.) or so I've been told.

I ordered pictures of Cody's prom and lacrosse. I tried to order the graduation pictures but those got intercepted by the “step-mom” and the company removed the pictures from their website and refunded my money. That was a HUGE disappointment, but I still got the prom and lacrosse ones. HUGE SMILES! I learned Cody has had a steady girlfriend and her name is Malorie. She looks like a beautiful young lady and they make a cute couple. My mom attended Cody's graduation and was able to talk to him. She even video taped it for me so I can watch it when I want too.

Then my cousin said Cody called her and wanted my moms information......but I don't believe that story one bit. Cody had all the information he needed or needs to contact me, my mom or my sister. I did believe it at first, but when we saw no results from that so called phone call …. well, lets just say pretty little liars that make up stories to make themselves look like the good deed doers.....sad! (I will leave it at that) ….not to mention my mom gave Cody all the information he needed to contact us, he knows how, so why would he contact “her” first. ALSO, the “story” itself didn't line up....to many holes!

So many things have happened in 3 years, and as you can see I keep the fight alive. I keep the memories of my children alive too. I won't give up. One day I will blog about or reunion.

Although I hate to see my life in the next 3 years without my kids, it will be interesting to see how much closer I get to actually being able to see them.

I often wonder what they are feeling or thinking. I wonder if everyday they think of me and the life we had before August 13, 2008. I wonder if they talk to each other about me? I wonder if they miss me silently so no one else will see the hurt, sadness or pain. I wonder …...if sometimes they think the life before was just a dream. Or is this just a dream? A very bad dream, a nightmare that keeps up trapped within our own sadness. This nightmare that won't allow us to wake up. The continuous torture, sadness and pain. It's all to much too handle sometimes. So sometimes, most times I don't deal with it. I suppress it, and keep it locked away deep inside my heart as if nothing ever happened, as if......if I never even had kids. Yes, that does happen from time to time. But it never lasts too long...my heart and love won't allow me to ever forget that I have 4 children out there. 4 children that are also confused, sad and experiencing the same silent sadness and pain that I am. The difference is, I learned how to share my pain when I feel the need too. I hope someday they learn the same thing.

Being able to share and express the pain and sadness of my life since the termination has been therapeutic for me. Yes, it has made me vulnerable and an easy target for “bashers” and “haters” but it's just because they don't know how it really truly feels.

Tomorrow will be 3 years since I gave into Parental Alienation. If I knew then what I know now, I bet I would still have a relationship with my kids and this nightmare would finally let us wake up.

A sticky situation.....

It has been a while since I last updated you on what was going on with the OP, my son and what has followed since I contacted him. ( the 3^rd party contacted him)

Well, if I had talked to or had more contact with my son, you would have been the first to know. Unfortunately, I have not talked to my son, nor have I had any one else try to contact him, and he hasn't tried to contact me. But I am OK!

I have however, had an outpouring of advertisements from attorney's offering there services to help me fight this last violation. Yes, it is a violation and yes, I have another warrant for my arrest. With the “help” that am being offered, I gave one of them a call just to see what was going to actually happen.

First things first. The first thing I received in mail was a notice that I had violated the OP, which when I received it, it was already to late for me to even try to appear. It was the next day. Duh...I am sure it was planned that way. Then I received a letter in mail explaining that I have a warrant and that my bail would be $1000.00. I thought, well that's not bad, all I have to come up with is 10%. OK!

Then I received a notice/motion to extend the current OP, signed and filed by.....you guessed it,

the wonderful women behind, I mean in front of the man with no backbone.

...I’m not done yet! The last thing I received was a summons from the State of Illinois vs. Angela Kadow on the violation of an OP. But that court date isn't until December 28, 2011.

OK, so where am I at with all this? I still had/have the “free help” from that attorney in Chicago, but he hasn't exactly said he would take care of this for me. He hasn't exactly said anything actually. Which I am not surprised at all by his lack of interest or willingness to help. I just keep getting “call me when you find out what the state is going to do.” I faxed him the notice to extend, the bail/warrant letter and the latest, the summons. Again, he didn't seem to want to jump in the car and fight the extension. So, I called one of the attorney's who sent me the advertisement. I actually talked to him when I got my first violation, and he was a huge help. And it cost me nothing, just a few minutes on the phone.

So I called him again. He took the time again to look at all the stuff I faxed him, and once again, he was very helpful.

He told me that first of all, the bail is actually set at $10,000 and 10% of that is $1000.00. Which he found to be extremely high for just a misdemeanor. But he said they are probably trying to send a message. (Well received!) Then he said, that the notice of motion to extend the OP, was not written properly, and had no validation. But if I didn't show up, or hire him to show up for me to fight the extension, more then likely the judge would extend it. However, most do not extend them past 2 years.

But, with 2 violations, he said he might extend it. He also said that SHE can't file it on behalf of Cody, he would have to file it himself. But the way she wrote it up, doesn't state who she wants to “protect” from me. Not to mention, as she listed the reasons why she is requesting the extension, first violation, second violation, she added, that I have still been contacting the schools. That is a lie. I have not and do not contact the schools. I will admit, that I do receive daily announcements, and newsletters. Anyone can get those, it's on the District 300 website. I haven't spoke to a teacher, a principle, a counselor, not even a janitor. She was reaching for something else to use, with the hopes he will extend the OP. Good luck!

The attorney's fees would be $500 up front and a total of $2000 to clear my name, squash the warrants and fight to get the OP dropped. I would have to come up there, to Illinois and turn myself in. I would be photographed, finger printed, the whole kit and kaboodle, and then I would post bail. Mentally, I don't know if I could handle all that. I just don't know. If I didn't have to go through all that mess, I probably would hire him and let him take care of all of this. But just the thought of that scares me to sickness.

If I don't? Well, they might extend the warrant to any jurisdiction. Meaning, that if I was in California, and got pulled over, then I could be arrested, and sit in jail until Illinois decided what to do with me.

That is the worst case scenario. He didn't think they would take it that far, being that I am not a “threat” they are not in fear and I live 700 miles away. But, worst cases seem to be my motto.

I am slightly disappointed in that attorney from Chicago that said I could consider him my attorney if anyone asked. But like I've said before, I can't trust any of them. I see it happen all the time on TV, some lucky dog gets representation for free because they think he is being unfairly treated. Or, the story is just so bizarre that they get a movie, a book deal and Gloria Albright to represent them. Dang it, who's out there for me? Where is Gloria when I need her? Ha!

So should I have waited until the OP expired before I tried to contact him? Or in this case, a third party? Probably so. But, what would you have done? If you hadn't seen your child in 2 years and

knew that when he turned 18, a legal adult, you had a chance of being reunited with him. I did it because I was promised. I did it because he told me that when he turned 18 he would contact me. I did it because that attorney told me it would be OK...he was a legal adult now and there was nothing his dad or step-mom could do! Really?

I don't know how different the outcome would be if I would have waited. I know that I wouldn't have that email between him and that third party. But having that, just makes me sad knowing he wants to talk to me and reconnect, but being told he can't. It makes me sad because my hands are tied, and I can't do anything about it.

So I guess I'm going to wait this one out. I can't do anything else to try and connect with him without facing legal warfare. I can't, it's to traumatizing and mentally draining. I also don't want to put Cody in any position that he feels threatened by his dad or his step-mom.

I know he's sad, confused and mislead. He's torn between pleasing his dad, keeping the peace and wanting to talk to me. What a horrible thing for anyone to deal with. He's trapped, he's being held against his will. And he's crying out and they are not listening. Who are these people? Why are they so cruel?

I was hoping to make it to his graduation in May. But that's not gonna happen. I don't want them to try anything stupid to ruin Cody's day. And they probably would Besides, it would be so hard for me to see my boys and not be able to talk to them or hug them. It would be placing them in a very awkward position as well, and I don't want that for them.

I wanted that picture with me and my son in his graduation gown. But I won't have that chance. I won't be able to share that special day with him. I won't be able to tell him how proud I am of him. I won't be able to capture all the memories of that day. That was stolen from me. It was stolen from us.

So, until he's totally out of the house, out from under the control and dictatorship of his father and step-mom. I am done. I've already taken to many risks, and caused problems for myself, and heartbreak for Cody.

All I wanted to do was reconnect with the son that was stolen from me. Was that such a bad thing?

How do you define faith, hope and love.....

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Ever since I heard that scripture, several years ago, I have held onto it to remind me that even though I don't know what my plans are for myself, or my kids or our futures together, God does.

Yes, it's hard for me to “lean” on God when I know that is what we are suppose to do in our darkest hour. But, I have had my share of disappointment with knowing that as well. I have shared with you that I was raised to be a God fearing, Bible devoted, church going Christian. To count on God and to put our faith in him, and believe that without him we won't make it to the pearly gates that await us upon his glorious return. But after I lost the rights to my children, I have lost so much of that faith, hope and love that I have been raised to have. Well, not so much love part, I still have that ability.

Every time I entered a court room or faced an attorney, I silently prayed for strength, guidance and wisdom. Even though deep down inside I was about to loose my ever loving mind. We all know, that when we pray God hears our prayers? Or so we are taught, duh! It's frustrating to know, that the same things we pray about day after day just seem to go unnoticed, and unanswered. I don't know why, and I don't know how to find out. But I have been told that when we least expect it, God will answer our prayers. But is it God or is it just a coincidence? Was it because all the stars were lined up the right way? Was it that penny we threw in that magic fountain at the mall? Or maybe it was that fortune cookie at the Chinese restaurant. Whatever, or however you choose to believe how, “what you prayed for somehow came true,” we were thankful at that moment for a miracle, and we all thanked God for answering “that” prayer. Right?

I had so much faith, or so I thought, each and every time I was about to head into the lions den.

I thought I was able to fight like Daniel did. I put on my invisible breast plate of righteousness, and pulled out my invisible sword and was ready to take on this lion. But unlike Daniel, and the happy ending he had with slaying that lion, I didn't get so lucky. Instead, I was left feeling more like the lion on “The Wizard of Oz.” afraid, depleted and with no courage left to fight. I had no happy ending.

So much for that armor! (by the way, I know he didn't use a sword to fight that lion. He used his sling shot)

We have all heard the saying, “faith can move mountains.” Well, I use to believe that. But that same stupid mountain just never moved out of my way. It always blocked me from getting to the other side.

There was always some reason why I couldn't move it to the other side, knock it down or push with all my “faith” to move that dang mountain out of my way. And it still gets in the way to this dang day. Stupid red tape!

Without faith, nothing is possible, but with God all things are possible. OK, I've had a hard time with this too. We all hold on to faith. We all hold onto it with all we have. When we are waiting for a job promotion that we've worked hard for. When we have a loved one that is sick, we hold onto our faith that God will see us through. We hold onto hope for a breakthrough, or a healing. But how long do we hold on? We don't have to be “religious” to say “it was faith that got me through the hard times.” We don't have to be raised in church to know that hope is what we hold onto when we see no end in sight.

I think it's our own abilities that get us through the hard times. It's how we deal with it will determine the outcome. It's our environment and experiences that mold us into who we are and how we handle situations.

I was recently told to stop counting on God to help me because it doesn't hold us accountable for our actions. It took me a few times to read it to really understand the meaning behind it. But when I finally got what it meant, I realized she was right. Even though, I know that we will all be held accountable for our actions on judgment day. But trying to cry out to God hasn't worked for me in the past, why do I keep crying out to him now for help? It's a touchy subject. One that I choose not to touch on today. I am going to put it in my “I don't know file” and move on.

But everyday I wish I had an ounce of faith to believe that one day I will see my kids. That one day, I will not be judged on what I have or haven't done to protect my kids. But by the person that I have become. By my character, my determination, my perseverance and my ability to continue to love those who choose to judge me. My ability to forgive and love without questions, without conditions. This ability I have to smile when I should have a frown. Or this is a crazy thought, maybe I have to be thankful for the life that I have been given. The time I had with my kids. The love that I showed them when we were together. Maybe the one thing they will remember is that I did love them. Maybe it's that little bit of hope we all posses, religious or not, that ounce of faith, God or not, that ability to love no matter what....maybe just maybe those qualities I have passed onto my kids. And maybe, just maybe they have faith, hope and love too.

So how do I define faith, hope and love? I believe that it doesn't have to be a religious thing. I think we all posses the ability to hold on to hope. We all have a form of “faith” we cling too and we all love in our own way. We all won't agree on what the definition is because we are all individuals with different backgrounds, upbringings and beliefs. But we all want good for each other. We don't want any ill will to come to even our worst of enemies. (well...maybe.....)

I will define it this way. I will see my kids someday. Someday I will be reunited with my boys. Someday, all of this will be put to rest and our lives will back to “normal.” Someday, someone will pay for what they have done. I will see my kids graduate, I will see them married and I will see them happy. I will see this happen in my lifetime. Call it hope, call it faith...call it what you want.

I call it a promise!