A sticky situation.....

It has been a while since I last updated you on what was going on with the OP, my son and what has followed since I contacted him. ( the 3^rd party contacted him)

Well, if I had talked to or had more contact with my son, you would have been the first to know. Unfortunately, I have not talked to my son, nor have I had any one else try to contact him, and he hasn't tried to contact me. But I am OK!

I have however, had an outpouring of advertisements from attorney's offering there services to help me fight this last violation. Yes, it is a violation and yes, I have another warrant for my arrest. With the “help” that am being offered, I gave one of them a call just to see what was going to actually happen.

First things first. The first thing I received in mail was a notice that I had violated the OP, which when I received it, it was already to late for me to even try to appear. It was the next day. Duh...I am sure it was planned that way. Then I received a letter in mail explaining that I have a warrant and that my bail would be $1000.00. I thought, well that's not bad, all I have to come up with is 10%. OK!

Then I received a notice/motion to extend the current OP, signed and filed by.....you guessed it,

the wonderful women behind, I mean in front of the man with no backbone.

...I’m not done yet! The last thing I received was a summons from the State of Illinois vs. Angela Kadow on the violation of an OP. But that court date isn't until December 28, 2011.

OK, so where am I at with all this? I still had/have the “free help” from that attorney in Chicago, but he hasn't exactly said he would take care of this for me. He hasn't exactly said anything actually. Which I am not surprised at all by his lack of interest or willingness to help. I just keep getting “call me when you find out what the state is going to do.” I faxed him the notice to extend, the bail/warrant letter and the latest, the summons. Again, he didn't seem to want to jump in the car and fight the extension. So, I called one of the attorney's who sent me the advertisement. I actually talked to him when I got my first violation, and he was a huge help. And it cost me nothing, just a few minutes on the phone.

So I called him again. He took the time again to look at all the stuff I faxed him, and once again, he was very helpful.

He told me that first of all, the bail is actually set at $10,000 and 10% of that is $1000.00. Which he found to be extremely high for just a misdemeanor. But he said they are probably trying to send a message. (Well received!) Then he said, that the notice of motion to extend the OP, was not written properly, and had no validation. But if I didn't show up, or hire him to show up for me to fight the extension, more then likely the judge would extend it. However, most do not extend them past 2 years.

But, with 2 violations, he said he might extend it. He also said that SHE can't file it on behalf of Cody, he would have to file it himself. But the way she wrote it up, doesn't state who she wants to “protect” from me. Not to mention, as she listed the reasons why she is requesting the extension, first violation, second violation, she added, that I have still been contacting the schools. That is a lie. I have not and do not contact the schools. I will admit, that I do receive daily announcements, and newsletters. Anyone can get those, it's on the District 300 website. I haven't spoke to a teacher, a principle, a counselor, not even a janitor. She was reaching for something else to use, with the hopes he will extend the OP. Good luck!

The attorney's fees would be $500 up front and a total of $2000 to clear my name, squash the warrants and fight to get the OP dropped. I would have to come up there, to Illinois and turn myself in. I would be photographed, finger printed, the whole kit and kaboodle, and then I would post bail. Mentally, I don't know if I could handle all that. I just don't know. If I didn't have to go through all that mess, I probably would hire him and let him take care of all of this. But just the thought of that scares me to sickness.

If I don't? Well, they might extend the warrant to any jurisdiction. Meaning, that if I was in California, and got pulled over, then I could be arrested, and sit in jail until Illinois decided what to do with me.

That is the worst case scenario. He didn't think they would take it that far, being that I am not a “threat” they are not in fear and I live 700 miles away. But, worst cases seem to be my motto.

I am slightly disappointed in that attorney from Chicago that said I could consider him my attorney if anyone asked. But like I've said before, I can't trust any of them. I see it happen all the time on TV, some lucky dog gets representation for free because they think he is being unfairly treated. Or, the story is just so bizarre that they get a movie, a book deal and Gloria Albright to represent them. Dang it, who's out there for me? Where is Gloria when I need her? Ha!

So should I have waited until the OP expired before I tried to contact him? Or in this case, a third party? Probably so. But, what would you have done? If you hadn't seen your child in 2 years and

knew that when he turned 18, a legal adult, you had a chance of being reunited with him. I did it because I was promised. I did it because he told me that when he turned 18 he would contact me. I did it because that attorney told me it would be OK...he was a legal adult now and there was nothing his dad or step-mom could do! Really?

I don't know how different the outcome would be if I would have waited. I know that I wouldn't have that email between him and that third party. But having that, just makes me sad knowing he wants to talk to me and reconnect, but being told he can't. It makes me sad because my hands are tied, and I can't do anything about it.

So I guess I'm going to wait this one out. I can't do anything else to try and connect with him without facing legal warfare. I can't, it's to traumatizing and mentally draining. I also don't want to put Cody in any position that he feels threatened by his dad or his step-mom.

I know he's sad, confused and mislead. He's torn between pleasing his dad, keeping the peace and wanting to talk to me. What a horrible thing for anyone to deal with. He's trapped, he's being held against his will. And he's crying out and they are not listening. Who are these people? Why are they so cruel?

I was hoping to make it to his graduation in May. But that's not gonna happen. I don't want them to try anything stupid to ruin Cody's day. And they probably would Besides, it would be so hard for me to see my boys and not be able to talk to them or hug them. It would be placing them in a very awkward position as well, and I don't want that for them.

I wanted that picture with me and my son in his graduation gown. But I won't have that chance. I won't be able to share that special day with him. I won't be able to tell him how proud I am of him. I won't be able to capture all the memories of that day. That was stolen from me. It was stolen from us.

So, until he's totally out of the house, out from under the control and dictatorship of his father and step-mom. I am done. I've already taken to many risks, and caused problems for myself, and heartbreak for Cody.

All I wanted to do was reconnect with the son that was stolen from me. Was that such a bad thing?

How do you define faith, hope and love.....

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Ever since I heard that scripture, several years ago, I have held onto it to remind me that even though I don't know what my plans are for myself, or my kids or our futures together, God does.

Yes, it's hard for me to “lean” on God when I know that is what we are suppose to do in our darkest hour. But, I have had my share of disappointment with knowing that as well. I have shared with you that I was raised to be a God fearing, Bible devoted, church going Christian. To count on God and to put our faith in him, and believe that without him we won't make it to the pearly gates that await us upon his glorious return. But after I lost the rights to my children, I have lost so much of that faith, hope and love that I have been raised to have. Well, not so much love part, I still have that ability.

Every time I entered a court room or faced an attorney, I silently prayed for strength, guidance and wisdom. Even though deep down inside I was about to loose my ever loving mind. We all know, that when we pray God hears our prayers? Or so we are taught, duh! It's frustrating to know, that the same things we pray about day after day just seem to go unnoticed, and unanswered. I don't know why, and I don't know how to find out. But I have been told that when we least expect it, God will answer our prayers. But is it God or is it just a coincidence? Was it because all the stars were lined up the right way? Was it that penny we threw in that magic fountain at the mall? Or maybe it was that fortune cookie at the Chinese restaurant. Whatever, or however you choose to believe how, “what you prayed for somehow came true,” we were thankful at that moment for a miracle, and we all thanked God for answering “that” prayer. Right?

I had so much faith, or so I thought, each and every time I was about to head into the lions den.

I thought I was able to fight like Daniel did. I put on my invisible breast plate of righteousness, and pulled out my invisible sword and was ready to take on this lion. But unlike Daniel, and the happy ending he had with slaying that lion, I didn't get so lucky. Instead, I was left feeling more like the lion on “The Wizard of Oz.” afraid, depleted and with no courage left to fight. I had no happy ending.

So much for that armor! (by the way, I know he didn't use a sword to fight that lion. He used his sling shot)

We have all heard the saying, “faith can move mountains.” Well, I use to believe that. But that same stupid mountain just never moved out of my way. It always blocked me from getting to the other side.

There was always some reason why I couldn't move it to the other side, knock it down or push with all my “faith” to move that dang mountain out of my way. And it still gets in the way to this dang day. Stupid red tape!

Without faith, nothing is possible, but with God all things are possible. OK, I've had a hard time with this too. We all hold on to faith. We all hold onto it with all we have. When we are waiting for a job promotion that we've worked hard for. When we have a loved one that is sick, we hold onto our faith that God will see us through. We hold onto hope for a breakthrough, or a healing. But how long do we hold on? We don't have to be “religious” to say “it was faith that got me through the hard times.” We don't have to be raised in church to know that hope is what we hold onto when we see no end in sight.

I think it's our own abilities that get us through the hard times. It's how we deal with it will determine the outcome. It's our environment and experiences that mold us into who we are and how we handle situations.

I was recently told to stop counting on God to help me because it doesn't hold us accountable for our actions. It took me a few times to read it to really understand the meaning behind it. But when I finally got what it meant, I realized she was right. Even though, I know that we will all be held accountable for our actions on judgment day. But trying to cry out to God hasn't worked for me in the past, why do I keep crying out to him now for help? It's a touchy subject. One that I choose not to touch on today. I am going to put it in my “I don't know file” and move on.

But everyday I wish I had an ounce of faith to believe that one day I will see my kids. That one day, I will not be judged on what I have or haven't done to protect my kids. But by the person that I have become. By my character, my determination, my perseverance and my ability to continue to love those who choose to judge me. My ability to forgive and love without questions, without conditions. This ability I have to smile when I should have a frown. Or this is a crazy thought, maybe I have to be thankful for the life that I have been given. The time I had with my kids. The love that I showed them when we were together. Maybe the one thing they will remember is that I did love them. Maybe it's that little bit of hope we all posses, religious or not, that ounce of faith, God or not, that ability to love no matter what....maybe just maybe those qualities I have passed onto my kids. And maybe, just maybe they have faith, hope and love too.

So how do I define faith, hope and love? I believe that it doesn't have to be a religious thing. I think we all posses the ability to hold on to hope. We all have a form of “faith” we cling too and we all love in our own way. We all won't agree on what the definition is because we are all individuals with different backgrounds, upbringings and beliefs. But we all want good for each other. We don't want any ill will to come to even our worst of enemies. (well...maybe.....)

I will define it this way. I will see my kids someday. Someday I will be reunited with my boys. Someday, all of this will be put to rest and our lives will back to “normal.” Someday, someone will pay for what they have done. I will see my kids graduate, I will see them married and I will see them happy. I will see this happen in my lifetime. Call it hope, call it faith...call it what you want.

I call it a promise!

Handling a situation......the Parental Alienation way

I know, I know it's been a few days since I updated you on what was going on, and I will. But first, I would like to thank all of you who are supporting me and my efforts to reconnect with my son. All your prayers are appreciated and still needed. Keep it up, I will need all the prayers and support in the next weeks, and months ahead.

I called to find out if the “cop” that called me was legit, and he was. I asked for a copy of the complaint, and was told that it was sent to the states attorney’s office and that I cannot get a copy.

I was not happy to hear either one of those things.

So, I started doing a little research myself. The OP that was issued in February 2009, states that “I can't contact the minor children.” until January 2011. As of November 12, 2010 Cody is no longer considered a minor, he is now an adult. Legally an adult. Which means that I have done nothing wrong.

Which also means that it no longer applies to him.

I wanted to clarify this so I spoke to several attorney’s in that surrounding area that would know the laws. It was confirmed, and I was right.

As for the complaint. I am waiting to find out if the complaint was made by the “petitioner” of the original OP, or if it was made by Cody himself. If it was done by the “petitioner” that person can't legally do that on his behalf. Which again, is a plus. If Cody filed it (which we believe he didn't) and he decides to file an OP on me, I have his words stating that “I want to talk to my mom but my dad gets mad.” The attorney’s also said that the judge will throw his OP out, believing that he does want to talk to me, and he is being forced to file it. Which is called coercion and intimidation. He is an adult, and is capable of making up his own mind, especially if he expressed he wants to speak to his mom and his being denied his right to do so.

I found out that the “freedom of information act” gives me the right to ask for, and receive a copy of that complaint. Didn't know this...it's called civil rights. Or so I was told. I am finally getting the right information, from the right people. People who are on my side and willing to go to bat for me. Go to bat for my kids, for my son Cody who has been silenced. Who's voice is not allowed to be heard. Who's rights are also being infringed upon and who desperately is crying out and no one is listening. But I am, and I won't be silenced or told to that what I am trying to do, or tried to do was wrong.

This is no longer “What I did wrong” but how wrong it is for this kind of behavior to continue to go on in our society. How wrong it is to file complaints against someone when there is no grounds to do so.

I was told that the original OP wasn't warranted for the entire family. I didn't try to contact “them” back in 2008. All I did was call my son for his 16^th birthday. We talked a few times during that week, then it stopped. Then came the OP for the entire family. Throughout my findings, I have been told a phone call to my son, didn't warrant an OP. I wasn't harassing or stalking him. Or anyone in that family for that matter.

As for the warrant and violation that happened when I innocently signed up for FB back in 2009.

We all know about that....anyway, I was told do I actually know I have a warrant? Or am I just believing what I was told by those 100 attorney’s that sent me letters begging me to hire them to help me.

I spoke to a friend at another police department (but in that area) asking what happens in the case of another violation of an OP. I was told that all they could do was just issue another warrant. So do I have a warrant or don't I? I don't actually know for sure. Working on that too.

I am not going to be hauled off to jail. The state of Illinois has better things to do then extradite me to Illinois for a violation of an OP, that really shouldn't have been filed in the first place. Not to mention that this “violation” really wasn't or isn't a “legal” violation since according to the OP Cody is no longer a minor as it states in black and white.

So what's next? Well, I have some great people working on my behalf to get all this stuff figured out. My hero's in the fight against Parental Alienation. It feels great to finally have someone willing to go to bat for me. It's not just my fight, but a fight for all the parents who have been alienated from their children. This is my chance to give parents hope, and to keep the dream of being reunited with their children alive. We have a voice and we have rights.

Who knows where I might be going with this voice of mine. This campaign to have parents charged with abuse when found guilty of Parental Alienation, needs to be passed as a law. This is a crime, and children are being silenced.

Parents every day are being alienated from their children and the courts will do nothing to stop it.

Until we can get all the states to recognize this as a crime, it will continue to happen. But, with our voices, we can be the voices of all those children who are silenced. We can be the voices for all the mothers and fathers who have been alienated from their children.

We can take a stand.

A call from the popo

So, my phone rings a few hours ago and it's from an 847 area code. I just froze, thinking that it might just be Cody. It's a Saturday night, he's out with friends and he's gonna call me. WRONG!!! It was from an officer at the Dundee Police Dept asking me to “cease and desist” my efforts to make contact. Apparently, although Cody is now 18, he is still under the protection of the OP.

I told the officer that he's 18. He told me that since the OP doesn't expire until 2011, he is still part of that order, therefore it's a violation and I violated the OP.

I knew that I wasn't exactly out of the line of fire, I was taking a risk. But did ask all the questions before I did, just to see what my options are, what's at stake and what the consequences might be.

If it's just this “cease and desist” I can live with that. Come January 2011, I am no longer under the OP and I will probably just let it all go. Each and every time I think I'm making the right decision, it backfires and once again I am being reprimanded.

If anyone knows the law regarding this situation, please feel free to share what you may know. I need all the help I can get.

God does answer prayers.......

So life is a little bit brighter for me tonight. I have my hope back, I have my spirit back and I have NOT fully lost my son.

Knowing a friend of a friend...this friend started talking to Cody via IM ...he knows who she is, but doesn't know that she is helping me out. Anyway, I receive a message on my phone from her, with an email attachment, I open it and it's a conversation between her and Cody.

They talk for a few minutes and she asks how he's doing, he says “shortly declining, long story short, my REAL mom wants to talk to me and I want to talk to her, but my dad is pissed and doesn't want me too, but I do.”

She encourages him too, and he says “ya, she lives in Alabama and either I text her, IM her or email, but if I do my dad will get mad, if I don't my mom will get mad.”

First of all, I won't get mad if he doesn't....I am sad, but not mad. I totally understand and don't want to put him in a position that he doesn't need to be in. BUT HE WANTS TO TALK TO ME!!!!

By this time in the email I am in tears, balling my eyes out. My son wants to talk to me, AND contact me but his dad won't let him, or will get mad at him if he does.

So this is where I am at with this.....I want to reach out to him....I want to tell him that I want to reconnect with him.

So she and I are working slowly with this. She gave him her number for him to call her/text her. She is going to slowly start encouraging him, and eventually she will tell him that she is working with me to reconnect with him. But we are doing this delicately.

All I care about are the words “I want to talk to her.........” Those are the words that I have waited for for 2 years.

He has thought of me, he remembers me …....... THANK YOU GOD for answering my prayers. Giving me what I have prayed for, dreamed of and imagined. This is a small step, but I will take it and always look forward.

*I didn't ask this person to FB him nor did I ask this person to start a conversation with him. She did all that on her own. I had no idea that a frined on my FB had a sister that graduated from the same school that he attends. SHE took it upon herself to ask her sister if she knew him, and it went from there. I didn't know this was going on until after she received his friend request confirmation. I never spoke to this person directly over the phone, or email. She and I texted just a few times. She got my number from her sister who I gave permission to share it with her.

*any other thrid party contact that was made to my son,  was done so by that individual and I had no control over what they did or said.

It finally hit me......

Here I am, it's 10:30 on November 17^th 2010 and I can't sleep. It's early for some, yes, and I just turned off the TV. Up until 10, I was watching one of my favorite shows, Seinfeld. I could barely keep my eyes open during the last episode, but I fought the sleep and watched till it was over, then turned it off. Thinking that I will just fall asleep, and into a nice dream. Well, I was wrong. My mind wondered off and it finally hit me. One tear, then two....a sniff, sniff and well..... here I am.

I kept telling myself while I laid there, that I actually did set myself up for disappointment. I actually wanted to believe that Cody would call me, text me or email me...SOMETHING!! But, he didn't. I am truly heartbroken. So this is what it feels like? It's painful. I don't want to move, I can't move, I'm paralyzed and numb. I am truly alone....no one hears my cry, sees my pain or wipes my tears.

I set myself up for 2 years thinking that my son would call me when he turned 18. I was so sure of it. I knew in my heart he would. I never did anything to him for him not to want to contact me. Or did I?

This is the guilt, the shame and humiliation that I struggle with all the time. It's deep down inside my soul, the guilt, the pain. I haven't cried in over a year about any of this, but tonight I couldn't hold back the tears. They hate me. They don't love me. They don't want to know me, or see me ever again. It truly is over. I am no longer a thought or a memory in their minds.

I thought that November 12 would be the day of celebration, joy and happiness, but it wasn't. I thought by now I would have talked to him, made Thanksgiving plans, possibly Christmas plans. I dreamed of the day. All was forgiven and life was normal. I was mom again. I heard the words mom....he would call me mom. It's a faint whisper.....

I set myself up for heartbreak. I convinced myself that nothing could separate us for too long. That the bond a mother and child have is inseparable. I thought........I told myself to hang on to hope. It will happen.

I was sent about 70 pictures of Cody the other day. He has grown up so much. He's a young man. He's tall and handsome. He has a girlfriend. I am missing his life. It's been stolen from me....so I cry. I am mad, disappointed, frustrated, bitter and heartbroken. I need to just scream so this pain goes away. I need to run and hide, I need to just let it all go.....but it's so hard, I CAN'T!!! I want my son....I can have him now, he's 18....right? But he doesn't want me to be part of his life. I try to tell myself that I am the last thing on his mind, that he's busy with school, a girlfriend and maybe even a job. I am consumed with this now, knowing he's reached that age, the age of promise, the age of truth, the age that gave me hope. It's all a nightmare....did any of this really happen? Am I just in a horrible nightmare that's lasted 10 years? AHHHHH..............*this is my own nightmare*.....

This isn't what I had planned.....this isn't working. I've been sad deep inside, hiding it away from everyone, quiet and secretive....not showing my true feelings, but my heart is breaking and I have to let you know this SUCKS......!!!! I WANT TO SHARE THINGS WITH MY SON ….......be with my son. Be his mom......

I was raised to believe that God hears our cries, and answers our prayers....what do I have to do in this lifetime to get him to hear these cries, see these real tears and feel this pain of mine? What do I have to do, to get him to answer my prayer? I've been down the road of the “good christian” girl. I've read and studied my Bible, went to church and fell on my knees begging for him to hear me. Where are you at now? I'm so bitter, I am mad at God. Is that OK? Isn't that aloud? I tried to “walk the walk” believe in faith the size of a mustard seed... a God that can move mountains and part the red sea can surely give my son back to me. IS THAT TO MUCH TO ASK?? I have been quiet and sat in the back row for to long now.....I want to see my son! GIVE ME SOMETHING PLEASE!!!

I don't understand this, I really don't!

I feel like a failure. I have failed my boys. They have been fed the lies......it worked.

What happened to my positive thinking....?? REALITY IT ME.....it's not gonna happen!!!

I am not alone....

I'm not alone

When I started doing research on the Internet, about what I had been through, I had no idea it had a name. So I just started searching about single moms, noncustodial moms, mothers without children. Anything that I could associate with what had happened to me.

I found a book that Alec Baldwin wrote. He had been in the media for his message that he left on his daughters phone. When I read what was in his book, he nailed everything that I had been through. When I searched his name, he was on the view talking about his story and PA. He has been a victim of PA and is a huge advocate. He isn't afraid to share his story. When I read his book, I wanted to meet this man. Not because of who he was, but because he and I share a connection. Well, OK, maybe a little because of who he is, and if I just happen to have his book in my hand with a sharpie, and he just happens to sign my book...well then I would be OK with that too. I'm only human, I get star struck too!

After I read his book, I knew there had to be more book, or stories about PA. So my search changed, I was no longer looking for books about noncustodial mothers, or parents without custody. When I came across “The Look of Love” by Jill Egizii, and read what is was about, I immediately ordered it on Amazon. I couldn't wait to read it. Once I did, I thought she knew who I was, and wrote my story for me. I was amazed at how similar our stories were.

After I read her book, I sent her an email telling her about me, my boys and our story. Until this book, I had no idea that something like this even existed, that it actually happens to other parents. Other moms. I wasn't alone. I had nothing to loose by sending this email to her. She was just another person that I was trying to contact. Someone that might care that this happened to me too. Someone to listen. In a million years I never thought that I would hear back from her. But in March 2010, I got a phone call from a co-worker, she said that she received a phone call from a women named Jill, and that she was looking to talk to me. She gave me her number and I immediately called her back. Silly me, I forgot to give my phone number on the email, thank goodness she had my company name. When I called her, I didn't know who it was at first. I didn't know of any Jill, or anyone who knew where I worked, let alone the company I worked for. When she introduced herself, she said “I am Jill, the women who wrote that book you emailed me about.” I was so happy to hear from her. We talked for about 30 minutes or so.

She told me that she has been trying to get a hold of me, and wanted to talk to me about Parental Alienation. She was alienated from her kids too. She was an attorney, and an alderman in Springfield Illinois. “was this really happening to me?”

I didn't know what to say to her. She wanted to know why I relinquished my rights, and I gave her a summary of what happened. She asked me if I would be willing to share my story with her for another book. I said “absolutely.” Inside I'm saying to myself, “this is the break I wanted, I wanted my story told”. Then she wanted to know if I would be willing to travel to New York City sometime to talk on the View with her about Parental Alienation. Again, I said “of course, that would be so great.” A trip to New York City, and the View. This is what I have waited for for so long.

We exchanged emails and phone numbers and we have been in contact ever since. I haven't met her yet, but I know that I will. She gave me the Parental Alienation website, and asked that I get involved, and share this information. She told me that April 25 is Parental Alienation Awareness Day. “They have a day for this?” I had finally been recognized, and I finally fit into a group of more then a thousand mothers and fathers that have been alienated from their children.

I got off the phone with her with a sense of acceptance. I was no longer in a category where I didn't belong. I had a purpose. This meant something to me. It meant that I am free from feeling guilty, from shying away from the subject, from not allowing myself to share my story with other people and feel ashamed, embarrassed or afraid. I can stand proud and tell my story with understanding, compassion and truth. I had Parental Alienation to back me up.

With a deep breath, and an extra skip in my step I was able to look forward and not behind me. I called my Aunt as soon as I got in my car that afternoon from work. I wanted to share with her what Jill was offering me. What she shared with me.

My Aunt is such a wonderful person to talk too. She will always give 10 or more reasons to look at the positive side of something. That's what she did with me. She was encouraging and excited for me. I was so overjoyed when I talked to her, I couldn't help myself. Thanks so much for your encouraging words on that day. It made it even better.

I had hoped to share my story with the View too, but that hasn't happened yet.

A about a year ago, my Aunt, the one that is so encouraging, introduced me to the “blog” world. I started writing a few paragraphs, but never did it again. It just wasn't my time. I didn't feel like sharing it with anyone. I felt if I kept it all to myself, I won't have to face the criticism, the finger pointing and the whispers. So I just dealt with it on my own. It was better that way. No body asked me, and I didn't offer to share. It was like nothing ever happened.

I didn't share any of my story, or struggles with any one until now. It took me a long time to be at a place in my life to let it all out. I wanted my family to know, my friends, my co-workers my FB friends. I didn't want to hide behind a shield anymore. I didn't want to hide behind the speculation, the gossip and the finger pointing. This is the reason why; A few months ago, well, it may have even last year. My mom, sister and I were sitting outside on the patio and we were talking about the boys. My mom acted like she wanted to ask me a question, I can tell when she has something on her mind, but just wasn't sure how to approach it. Well, finally she asked me “It had been rumored, she said, that Brandon isn't T's kid.” First of all, I wanted to know who said this? I had my own idea of who, but I wanted to know why? I told her straight up, “Oh my God, yes, Brandon is T's.” It bothered me so bad that I wanted to make the announcement to my entire family to stop the rumors and gossip. All they have ever done was speculate, they never asked me. Come to me!! I told my mom “if I knew for one minute that Brandon wasn't T's, I would have said it a long time ago, and he would be sitting here with me today.” I don't know where some people get their information. This infuriates me! But it won't ever stop. That's OK, what comes around goes around!!

But I am not going to let that bother me, I know the truth. All the lies in the world they want to believe won't stop me from telling the truth, setting the record straight and getting it all out there. I am happy with my life. Yes, it is sad sometimes without my kids. But overall, I live a pretty blessed life. My husband is good to me, he provides for me, he loves me. He allows me to share my feelings and thoughts about my kids. He knows that he is free to share his feelings about the boys too. The boys he grew to love. The boys he misses everyday too. We laugh and share memories of each one of the boys. Each one has touched our lives in so many ways. When we see something that the kids would love, we both know what each other is thinking before we even say it. “The boys would love this.”

I don't ever want to forget about my kids. And I don't want them to forget about us.

I am thankful for the opportunity to share with the world what happened to me and my boys. It's important to share, you never know who's going through the same thing, and felt they were alone, they were the only ones. But we are not. This is a problem on a global scale. If I sat back and just pretended that this didn't happen, or that PA didn't exists, then I would be allowing the courts, attorney's and the parents that are the worst influence on their kids get away with child abuse. And I won't sit back and allow this to happen. I will let my kids voices be heard. I want my voice to be heard.

If we had judges and attorney's that cared about the “best interest of the children” then so many families wouldn't be suffering the way I am. If parents knew that when they keep children away from the other parent, or brainwash them into thinking the other parent is the reason for their problems, it hurts the children the most. Parents need to learn to get along, cooperate and not seek revenge on the other parent during a divorce. It hurts the kids. Parents that alienate children, don't care about the kids feelings or how this will effect them. All they think about is themselves. The game. The power.

They will not stop until they have won.

All I wanted was fairness. I wanted my kids to be able to love me without limitations, without fear. I wanted nothing but to be the best mom I could for my kids, to love them without limitations. I wanted to be someone they could trust, depend on and talk too. I wanted to be the football or soccer mom cheering on her kids as loud as I could. I wanted to be supportive, encouraging and a friend.

I wanted to laugh with them and protect them, wipe their tears and mend their scrapped knees. I wanted

to see them have a girlfriends, go to prom and graduate. I wanted to see them laugh, smile and catch them when they fall.

But that was all taken away from me. Taken away from them.

Thanks to everyone who took time out of there day to read my story. All your comments and encouraging words meant the world to me. But don't stop following me. This story isn't over yet. My son Cody will be 18 on November 12 and I am hoping to contact him on that day. I am hoping that we will spend the Thanksgiving Holiday together. Wish me luck.

I will also start posting on my other blog as well. I have been so focused on this story that I have neglected my other blog. I am hoping to share with you, who I am through my blog. My likes and dislikes. Travel, food, recipes, and shopping. I hope to keep up with that weekly, and will post it to my FB when I have a post finished.

This is for you

Cody, Brandon, Austin and Dalton

May the road lead us together again.

I love you - Mom