My son Brandon...

When I was pregnant with Brandon, remember I said he was a twin but that I lost his twin during my pregnancy. Did I tell you that he had a love for monkeys too. I often wondered, if loosing his twin had anything to do with his love for monkeys? I know that we are primates. I also know that although we didn't originate from monkeys, we have very similar characteristics of them.

Brandon was my baby. If ever their was a mama's boy out of my herd, he was the one. He loved to be held, loved and cuddled. He was glued to my hip. He was OK when I let him down to play and be adventurous, but he just loved to stay next to me all the time. I loved that. He was precious, with a cute little innocent baby face. His eyes where big and blue. His face round and pudgy. He was perfect, and he was all mine. For the rest of our lives, we would have a special connection. Along with this special connection, out of all my kids, he is the one, I've been told looks just like me. Well, that explains it all right there, he's so cute because he's the spitting image of me...haha!!

He was such a good baby, so calm and sweet. He wasn't demanding, or pushy. He went with the flow of things. He was ready to play with his big brother the minute I brought him home from the hospital. They had a great relationship from the start. Most parents wonder how is my oldest going to be when I bring another baby home, I didn't worry for one minute. Cody was a cool kid. I had plenty of time to get him use to having another sibling around. I would make sure he knew that he was also loved and wouldn't be left out. So when I brought Brandon home Cody had the roll of “big brother” covered. There was no jealousy, no anger or hatred. He was a perfect helper, and a great big brother. He helped me with everything.

When Brandon was able to maneuver around the house, I don't think he thought much about crawling, he just wanted to hang out with his big brother as soon as he could, who seemed to have all the fun. All the fun a 4 year old could have anyway. But to Brandon, he was his hero. He would watch Cody’s every move. I think that's why Brandon was such a quick learner, he learns by observing, listening and paying attention.

As Brandon was getting older those same characteristics that I saw in him as a baby, came through when he was a toddler, and a little boys starting school. Brandon loved adventure. He climbed on everything. Which when he broke his arm, just gave all the more reason to understand who he was.

Brandon was friendly, yet reserved and shy. He wasn't quick to jump into “troubled” areas. He observed the situation, and make decisions based on what happened to the other kids who may have tried it first. Then, once he realized he would be safe, he jumped in head first. Literally, he wasn't afraid of anything. I remember one time, when I had them all at dolphin cove, he wondered off over near where, you guessed it, where is big brother was...although he was probably 3 at the time and Cody 6, Brandon saw the opportunity to jump in the deep end with his brother. So he did. Then I hear my name being called over the intercom to come to the medic area because my son just about drown. Well, I was of course scared to death. But that was Brandon for ya, my little brave heart. Of course, it was also a lesson learned from both of us. But he was safe and that's all that mattered.

Brandon was also a hands on kid. He wasn't afraid to get down and dirty. He loved playing in whatever messy thing he could. He was mischievous, and sneaky. He was the one I caught in the bathroom with a roll of toilet paper tearing off pieces, wetting it and throwing them on the walls of the bathroom. Who would have ever thought a 3 year old could have thought of something like that?

What a little bug! Who couldn't just fall in love with a little boy all wet with toilet paper stuck to his face, hands and feet? After that, I had to hide all the toilet paper, and keep the bathroom door closed.

Brandon had such a great sense of humor. He mad my dad laugh to tears one night. It was Thanksgiving 1999, and the movie 'The Mummy” had just come out on HBO. Well, not only did my kids love that movie, none of them were afraid to watch it. Anyway, the part where the guy is being attacked by the beetle bugs and runs into the wall....well when the guy runs into the wall, Brandon looks at my dad, and says “he wen the wrong way.” That made my dad laugh so hard. He still talks about it today, and still makes him laugh. But the tears are no longer from laughing so hard at how funny Brandon was, but how much my dad missed him. How much he missed all of them.

When Brandon was in grade school, I attended one of his Halloween parties. He dressed up as Pica chew. He said, “mom I know how much you love Pica chew, so I dressed up like him for you.” He was the cuties Pica chew ever. Brandon was also very athletic. As I mentioned before, he played soccer. This kid loved soccer. He lived soccer. Breathed soccer. He had his own soccer ball. One of his cakes for his birthday was a cake shaped like a soccer ball. Beck ham has nothing on my little soccer star!

He had been playing since he was 5. He was good at it too. He was so quick and moved that ball down the field so fast, he became known has “the little hurricane.” All the parents knew that he was a good player, I would hear them talk to each other about how good “that kid” was. Well, “that kid” was my little Brandon. Each year I would cheer him on as he got better and faster. Did I mention how good he was? Well, I'm aloud to brag just a little!

Brandon was also very compassionate. He once saved a turtle, and put it in my mop bucket. YUCK!! But he wanted to make sure the turtle was safe and out of harms way. He was sensitive too. When we first moved into our house, I was walking down the stairs behind Dalton, and my foot slipped out from underneath me, I fell so hard it knocked me out cold for about a second. Brandon came running over to me to help. By then I was crying with agony, it made him cry. He tried to help me up, but I couldn't move. I told him to go call 911, and he did. He was so brave. But he was so worried about me and the pain I was in he just wanted to help. Thank you Brandon for helping me that day.

He would also wipe the snow off my car before I would leave to take them back home.

My Aunt was kind enough to share a memory of Brandon with me the other day, and it was so wonderful to know that even when he was wearing a diaper he had such a sense of humor.

“A bunch of the cousins were over for a water day playing in the sprinkler and pool..Brando was standing on our deck, just a little guy still wearing a diaper under his trunks and with a full blown out southern drawl, he turned and declared … “ T he su-uh-un..is HOT!” The kids and I quote him all of the time. She said “it's to cute to ever forget.” She said “it took him like a full three minutes for him to finish saying “sun.”

Maybe Brandon's southern twang is just a sign of good things to come. Maybe he was meant to be here with me in Alabama. Only God knows!

I miss him. I miss his smile, his mischievous little ways. His sense of humor, and his ability to observe and listen. I miss his compassion and his hugs. I miss his humbleness and his sweet quiet spirit. I miss his stinky smell of dirty socks and feet after his soccer games. I miss his laugh, his giggle, his smirk. His love for tacos, pizza and tuna. I miss the way he would wake me up at 2 in the morning with leg cramps, or tell me he was hungry. Even though at 2 in the morning I didn't need to hear he was hungry. But if he had cramps, or a headache I would get up with him and give him aspirin and hug him goodnight and tell him I loved him. I always told my kids I loved them.

Brandon, my star athlete, my mischievous little soul. I love you with every breath that I breath. With every tear that I cry, with every beat of my heart. You came into my life and changed it forever. I miss you every minute of the day, and every second that goes by, I think of you. Being you, who you are, who you were two years ago, I love you. The innocent little pudgy faced big eyed boy. I will always be your mom, always. I will always love you until I leave this earth. If I never have you to hug again, I will wait for you in heaven with my arms wide open.

I was only able to talk to Brandon about what might happen for a short few minutes as we shared a shake from McDonald’s. I told him that whatever happens to us in our lives, always remember that I love you. No matter how far apart we are, or how long it is before I see you again, I will always love you.

The last time I saw my son Brandon was July 5, 2008 as we said good-bye after our last 2 weeks together of visitation. During that good-bye, I promised him, I assured him, that I would be back in a few weeks to pick him up again. I never made it. We never saw each other again. I wonder what he looks like now. What his favorite song it right now. His favorite movie. Is he going to homecoming?

Does he have a date, a girlfriend? Is he playing sports, soccer, football? How tall is he now? Does he still like to play soccer? Who is his best friend?

Brandon was 15 years old on August 23. Happy Birthday Brandon!

Does he miss me? Does he know that I am still his mom?

Growing up...

After T's attempt to have the boys questioned by the judge, and his temper tantrum storming out of the courthouse that day, he seemed to have settled down. His attorney did file a motion to have all the decisions reversed, but the judge stood by his decision and dismissed all his requests. Except for the child support which he did change. Which made me mad. Money was the only thing on his mind. How much more could he take from me? My attorney said that she would make sure that what I got was fair, and she did. But she didn't fight hard enough when it cam to the money part. T didn't have to meet me ½ way, I was still responsible for all the transportation to and from, and now they were going to be taking more money from me. But, this was all part of the plan. To break me. They knew legally they couldn't touch Brian's checks, so they were going to rake me over the coals when it came to money.

Eventually, this would send me over the edge. It was done intentionally. T couldn't hurt me any other way. He already tried the abuse card, hiding the kids card, not allowing me to pick them up early card..he had tried everything, and failed. But he was slowly working on another plan to destroy me.

The next few years, T wouldn't bother me much as far as court issues go. After he was happy with the decision about more money, he left things alone. He still never let me deviate from the court ordered visitation schedule as far as allowing me extra time with the kids, or switching weekends. But he never hesitated to ask me to switch.

They boys were getting much older now. They were able to see things that were going on behind the scenes. T still tried to “brain wash” them, and asked them to “spy” on me and take notes while at my house. Cody would hide his cell phone from me and call T when they were at my house, which again, was all T's idea. They were asked to report any new activity that may have happened at my house since the last visit. When I got a new car, that was a huge deal when it came to asking for more money. He thought that since I can afford a car, I can afford to pay more in child support. Well, that's just how his thought process worked. When Brian bought our house, they thought the same thing. Well, I knew that T would try and take the car and the house in some way or another, so my name wasn't attached to either one, the car or the house. Therefore, he couldn't try and get a lean on the house for whatever reason. I'm sure there was some sort of legal way he could, and I knew this and never signed my name to nothing. It was all Brian's. I was asked by the judge why isn't my name on anything, and I was up front and honest, I said “because I don't want him (T) to try and take that from us.” The judge said, “smart move.” I thought so too.

I found a note one time in the boys room, written in Cody's hand writing, that said I got onto Dalton for smarting off to me, and made him stay in the house for an hour. Just minor things. Things that wouldn't amount to anything. I was not even aloud to have Cody's cell phone number. He was told by T not to give it to me. Not to even let me know he had one, which is wrong. What kind of message was he sending the boys? It made me so mad. I know that they told Cody that if you give the number to your mom, she will call you all the time and never leave you alone. Really? Like I'm going to stalk my own son, give me a break. More then likely what T told Cody was, if you give your mom your cell number we will take it from you. And what teenager wants to have his cell phone taken away? So he obeyed.

They made Cody hide it from me while at my house, so they can take pictures and send them to T, and so the kids can call while they are with me. I wouldn't let the kids call T when they were with me, on weekends or for summer visitation. For two reasons, one, T never let them call me when we were in between visits. For two, it was stated in the court papers that my time was to be “uninterrupted,” that meant don't bother me while I have my kids. But, being able to control the cell phone communication is what T wanted. It's sad really.

It had always bothered me, and still does to this day, that a judge, and attorney and a father would allow for such malice behavior. All the talk about “the best interest of the kids, “ is all bull crap. Not a single one of them give a rats ass about the “best interest” of those kids. My kids. It was all about revenge for T, money for his attorney, and another win under his belt, and a confident decision by an incompetent judge.

The judicial system his blind to the abuse, and the pure hatred and revenge that one parent has towards the other. If there was one decent judge on the stand, maybe there would be less families torn apart by deceitful parents and attorney's. Although T may not have had the brains to come up with all the malicious, hateful things that they did to me and the kids, but his attorney was smart, tricky and crafty in the way he drew the picture for T. His attorney knew that T wasn't a the “father of the year” but he sure knew his parents pocket books were full, and that's all he saw. He knew that as long as he kept T up on his high horse, T's parents would keep forking out the money. His mother hated me from day one. She wanted nothing but to destroy me and make me pay for destroying her sons life, his big football carrier they dreamed for him. After all that T had done during our marriage, I was going to pay for it someway, somehow. But he was running out of ways to make that happen, so he laid low for the next 2 years, all was quiet.

I knew that as the boys got older they would be able to understand things a little clearer. We had those talks about why dad and I got divorced. I would explain to them, that we just wouldn't have worked. I'm happy, and he's happy, I would assume. I told the boys, wouldn't you rather have us happy separated, then unhappy together? I know that it's hard to understand, but someday you will. Am I happy that I only get to see you guys every other weekend, absolutely not. Am I happy that I have to live by a visitation schedule and be told no when I want to spend more time with you guys, absolutely not. But it is what it is, and I can't change that. I have tried.

In February of 2005, the boys met a friend in our subdivision who would be a common fixture in our home the weekends the kids were with me. He was a great kid. He was younger the Cody, but a bit older then Brandon. The boys were really into skateboarding at the time, so when Tony came into our lives, he fit right in with them. With Tony, my kids were free to run back and forth to and from our house to Tony's. When Cody first walked into Tony's grandparents house, he knew that I would just fall in love with this house. Sure enough, when I went down to introduce myself, I fell in love with the house. Marble counter tops, deep cherry cabinets, tile floors huge paintings. It was a very nice house. It made me feel good that Cody knew that I would appreciate the glamor of this home, the style, and the decor. He knew what I liked, he paid attention to my interests, which made me feel good. I will never forget his face when he was explaining to me what the house looked like before I even saw it. I remember his face when I saw it for the first time, and the smile and excitement on his face his words I will always here, “see mom I told you, you would like it.” He was right, I did. But the house meant nothing to me, as much as his knowing that I would like it. For some parents that's not a big deal, but it was a big deal for me.

He would express the same excitement when he got his first girlfriend at school. He said “mom, you will like her, she reminds me a lot of you. She likes shoes, and purses, and loves to shop, just like you.” What mother doesn't like to here, that the girl that her son likes, is just like his mom? Cody was growing up, he was noticing what his mom liked and disliked. He noticed my sense of style, and appreciation for clothes, shoes and a nice handbag. He was perfect boyfriend material. I raised him well. Cody was also sensitive. He was very attentive and loving. He only gave me a hard time once, in his teen years, and I did have to discipline him, which I hated. But, after he saw that I wasn't going to tolerate his mouth, and bad attitude, he straightened up. I never had to do it again. I miss him. His smile, his sense of humor. I miss the way his hair fell into his eyes, when he looked at me. I miss watching him grow up to a young adult. Watching him take his first date to homecoming, dressed up in a tux for prom. Watching as he got his drivers license or his first job. I was robbed off all of those milestones, those right's of passage. I looked so forward to sharing those times with my sons. Now, all of that has been taken away from me.

I would only witness the hurt, sadness and anger from Cody one time during his teen years, it is a moment that I will forever be scared with in my heart and my mind. This was the first time I heard the rage in his voice inflicted from the pain that his father puts them through on a regular basis.

It was a Sunday in April of 2006. I had emailed T about allowing me to keep the kids until 6pm and I would drop them off by 8 on that Sunday night. Tony was having a birthday party and it wasn't going to start until 4pm. (the time I normally left to take the kids back to their dads.) Anyway, T never would reply back. Eventually, I would receive an email from his secretary stating that T was out of town and she didn't feel comfortable making the decision to allow for the extension in my time. I explained to her the reason for my request and that it would be in the best interest of the kids if they would be aloud to attend the birthday party of their friend Tony. Well, without T's approval, she didn't want to make the call. So I let it go. Saturday, while I was at the soccer games, I approached her and again, expressed the desire to allow for the extension and for her to make the call on whether or not the kids boys could stay. I told her, that legally she is not authorized to make that decision, and that since I was the other parent then It would be my call. So I told her that the boys will attend the party and will be home at 8 pm on Sunday night. Well, she didn't like that at all, she immediately contacted T, who them in turn called me on Sunday while we were out, and left a message. Good, I wanted the boys to hear it. When we got home, we played the message, it was from T, he said “ the boys need to be home at the court ordered time of 6pm, it is a school night. If they are not home at 6pm I will file a report and press charges.”

When the boys heard this, they were so disappointed. Cody wanted to call T, so I let him. Apparently, his call didn't help change T's mind, because when Cody hung up the phone, he stormed out of the house screaming 'I hate this, I hate this, dad never lets us do anything!” He ran out of the house and onto his bike and off he went. I felt horrible for him. But deep down inside, I was happy that it happened, now they saw how hard I would try, and how frustrating it was to be told no all the time.

What T did wasn't fair at all to the boys. He's aloud for them to stay out late on a school night with his family, but because it meant extra time with me, he didn't like it and played the “I'm in control” card and told the boy's no. It was awful. At that moment, I think the kids realized that T wasn't being fair, and that all my attempts to extend my time with the kids, was proving to be true to them.

I encouraged Cody to talk to his dad about how he made them feel, and how when he tells them they can't stay an extra 2 hours with mom isn't a big deal. That is was their decision, and that he didn't let them choose to stay or not to stay mad them all mad. But Cody said, it wouldn't do any good to talk to dad, because he doesn't care. All he cares about is what that stupid court order says. Cody expressed to me that he hates having to follow a court order, and dad always says the court order, the court order. I hate it! It was an emotional breakthrough for him and for me. It opened up my eyes and his to how T was actually dealing with the issues. He didn't have the kids interests at heart. He didn't care if if hurt his kids. He just wanted to be ruled by a piece of paper and not follow what his kids interests were.

For that, he's an evil man. For that he's a horrible father, and not worthy of being granted sole custody of any child. His own anger, hatred and revenge got in his way of what was best for the kids. Not allowing me to have 2 extra hours with my children, or the boys have 2 extra hours to enjoy a birthday party, was selfish. He thought by doing that he was hurting me. But it turns out, he hurt his kids instead. I hurt for them. I wanted to change it all and make it right, but I had no control of it.

Yes, I thought about just keeping them, but what would that have done to me? Probably caused me to loose visitation for violating the order, in turn loosing time with my kids, and costing me and Brian more money. I would have lost all the way around. And like always, he would walk away with the “father of year” award. Like always, I would be wrong for wanting to spend extra time with my kids, and I would be the bad one, again!

He was hoping that I would drop them off at 8. He was hoping that he would have me by the balls, if you will, if I violated that order. But he didn't. I took them home, and they missed Tony's party. It was just another day in the life of us being controlled and manipulated by T.

Round two...

After the first of the year, I started looking for attorney's in the north suburbs. I researched looked them up online to check out what type of attorney they were. How long they have been practicing, and the size of the firm. I also didn't want an attorney in the area where T and his family lived.

I wanted to find one that would still took cases in Kane County. I also had to figure in the mileage to and from the courthouse and the attorney's office. All of these things I had to factor in before choosing an attorney. Not only that, but I didn't want to retain and attorney if she or he as going to run me through the mud. Basically, I just wanted one that was going to be for me and on my side.

Finally I found a female attorney out of Wheaton. She seemed to have a good idea of what I was wanting. Brian and I drove to Wheaton to meet her. After we asked her a few questions, and told her what we wanted her to accomplish, she agreed to help us out. She thought that what I was asking for wasn't to unreasonable, and that I was focused on what was right, fair and just. I wasn't out to get back at T, but I was sending a good message that I didn't want to be treated the way I have been treated. Not only that, but I wanted my kids to be able to enjoy time with me, without being questioned about it, or made to feel guilty for having a good time with us. She told me to fax her all the information that she needed to get the ball rolling. So I did. Each time I sent her an email I was charged for it. So I wouldn't send her just one at a time, I would send several. Mostly, the important ones. Like the email and the bill for Cody's instrument, a bill for the dentist, and the 3 times I filed the “interference with visitation” reports. I sent her the emails from me asking for and extra 2 hours with the kids...on and on and on.

My requests were very reasonable too:

1. I wanted to pick up the kids on Friday's from school when it was my weekend.
2. I wanted more time in the summer with the boys.
3. I did not want to pay for the dentist bill or the instrument for Cody
4. I needed the child support lowered to a more manageable amount
5. I wanted T to meet me ½ way to save on my mileage and travel
6. a holiday schedule better to understand, spelled out clearly

I didn't think that I was asking for to much. Neither did my attorney. Brian and I had a little trick up our sleeve too. T and his girlfriend were NOT married, they were living together. Our hope was that the judge would see that and come down hard on him like she did me in 2002 because I was “living” with my boyfriend, she didn't think it was a “stable” environment for the kids to be in. Let's see what the judge thinks of their living arrangement now.

The next day, I pulled $1500 out of our savings account and sent her a money order to retain her services. Like all attorney's, they tell you that they will use this first, and hopefully it won't go over that but if it does, then we can set up a payment arrangement. I was good with that. In no time that $1500 was gone, and we haven't even been to court yet. However, having an attorney did save me trips to and from the Courthouse. She handled most of it for me, which was nice. Most of it anyway was paperwork and bull crap stuff. Stuff that just made my bill higher and higher with her.

When she finally sent the motions to T's attorney he responded to each request, with the normal legal lingo. Each request was being denied by T, stating that “it's not in the best interest of the kids.” “Really, give me a break, how is the mother wanting to pick up the kids from school NOT in their best interest?” My attorney said not to panic, this was typical and the judge will see that what you are asking for is in the best interest of your kids, you want more time with them. Time that he has been stealing from you for the past 2 years now.

During the time we hired our attorney and the time we finally started to make progress, T and his girlfriend got married. This happened in May, soon after my attorney sent his attorney the motions. They knew that if they continued to live together, they would be toast. I had heard that they were suppose to get married in October of that year, but those plans changed suddenly when I hired my attorney and they received papers to modify the court order. Ha ha ha....we still laugh at that. It was because of me and Brian that they rushed to the alter to get married when they wanted to get married in October. Isn't karma a bitch?

Since I had filed the motions, and hired an attorney T thought he should try and play by the rules. I will say, I took advantage of that vulnerable side as well, milking out my requests to see if he would bend even a little. He did cave a few times and aloud for a switch in weekends, but that was his extent of being the cooperative parent. But that was fine, I had an attorney this time, and she would know about it, and hopefully bring it to his attorney's attention. Once again, I was wrong.

When he did “switch” weekends, it was because he wanted to have the kids during one of my weekends. But that's how he worked, if he had plans or something fell on my weekend, and he wanted the kids, he would ask me to switch. I finally got on to this, and started to say no. Why should I bend over backwards for him when he didn't bend for me? Then he started using the kids. They would get in the car and ask me if I would switch weekends because we really want to attended what ever it was they wanted to attend that certain weekend. I told the kids that as much as I don't want to make them miss it, but it isn't exactly fair for me not be able to switch weekends or keep you guys for an extra day, or a few extra hours. I would give them examples of the times I asked T to switch. They wouldn't say a word about it. I would usually end with saying I will think about it. Then give in. I didn't want to be the uncooperative parent. I also didn't want to be the one that kept them from something they really wanted to do.

Not only did we hire an attorney in February of 2004, but we also put our house up for sale. It was finally getting to small with 4 growing boys. They needed their own space. We looked around for a long time. Then finally, I saw a house for sale by owner less then a mile from where we already lived.

We called the number and made an appoint with the owner to come look at it. When we did, we fell in love with it. It was perfect. There was a huge room off the basement, made into a bedroom that would be perfect for four boys to hang out in. It was a total of 3500 sq ft home which included a full finished basement. It was perfect. The boys were so excited to. It was something new for them too, and it was a huge deal. In May of 2004, we moved into a new house. It was huge compared to the small house that we started out in. But, this would make a huge difference for all of us. When my parents came for Christmas that year, they bought the boys new beds that fit perfectly in their new room.

One day when I was driving to work, I saw a moving sale sign and thought I would check it out. It was in a high dollar subdivision, and thought they might have furniture that I need for the basement. Sure enough, I found a perfect 3 piece sofa, chair and ottoman for $150 bucks. I bought it on the spot.

Everything was wonderful, the kids loved the new house. They had so much room to play. The backyard was huge, big enough for those fall flag football games, bonfires and parties. Which we had plenty of.

The boys helped us with projects around the house. Staining the deck, painting walls and building a new shed. This is where my boys were I noticed my babies growing up. They enjoyed coming to our house.

After we finally made it to our day in court, I was already on a payment plan with the attorney who said this will be simple and shouldn't take but 6 months to complete. Really? Because we are close to a new year here...

The judge basically looked at him and said, she is the mother, and I don't have any reason to believe or suspect that she is not fit to care for her kids. What she is asking for seems reasonable to me, therefore I will grant Mrs. Kadow, more visitation with her children, she will be able to pick them up from school on Friday's at the schools dismissal times. Drop off will remain the same.

T was so mad.

I had also received a bill in mail from T's secretary, the live in girlfriend, from a trip to the dentist.

I was not going to pay that either. And the judge said I didn't have to either. Reason why? During my summer visitation with the kids that summer, I took all of them to the dentist to have their teeth cleaned. According to the kids, up until that time, they hadn't been tot the dentist. As soon as T found that out, he took them to the dentist, then sent me the portion of the bill that wasn't paid for by his insurance. What a jerk! He only took them after I did. But at least the kids got another cleaning out of the visit.

This would be a pattern for him. They would try and top everything that we did and then some. T would give the kids something to look forward too while they were at my house, so all they would think about was getting back with their dad. He made so many promises to them and never kept one of them. He's promised them they are going to move into a new house, they never have moved.

One time Brandon was out until midnight with his grandma and Uncle after they went to the city to see a show. That made me so mad, because I asked to keep the kids until 8 one Sunday, just two extra hours, and I was told not because it's a school night. Really? When I found out that he stayed out with his grandma until midnight on a school night, I made sure T knew that I knew about it and wasn't happy about it either. It wasn't that Brandon went with his grandma to the city, I know he earned that trip for good grades. It was the fact that I wanted two extra hours for the kids to attend a birthday party and was told no. That's the crap I dealt with for 8 years.

When the judge finished making his final decisions, and had left the bench, T stormed out of the courtroom rambling something in Swedish. That day Brian went to the courthouse with me, and he said he saw T storm out too, and he looked like an idiot Brian said.

When we got the courthouse that day, T was their with his mom, and his new wife. He also had Cody and Brandon with him. Did I mention that along with T's attorney denying all my requests, he also decided that he was going to have the kids be questioned by the judge too about our visits while at my house. Oh, ya, he thought he really had something with this new trick up his sleeve. But when his attorney asked the judge about questioning the kids on video, the judge actually got really angry with T and said I would never do that to those kids, and I would suggest that you make your client aware of what could actually happen if the outcome would turn on him. That also made T very mad.

Although I was getting everything that I requested, one incident that happened before we actually went into the courtroom that day. While we were sitting in the lobby waiting for us to see the judge, the boys saw us sitting there and were not even aloud to come say hi. They stared at us, and we waved, but they didn't wave back. When T and his mother noticed that we made eye contact with the kids, they immediately changed positions so the kids couldn't see us. This hurt me and Brian so bad. I knew it wasn't the boys fault, but it was such an uncomfortable situation that T had once again placed the kids in. Why would he want the kids to be video taped while being asked questions by the judge? This was a really low blow, but all part of his plan.

I know that when kids are “programmed” to answer certain questions, the therapist that is questioning them can read through it. So T may have actually been facing a bullet right in the face if the judge would have agreed to the questioning. The boys didn't feel scared or uncomfortable at my house because of me or Brian. They are told how to feel and act while with us. They are told that if they have to much fun, it will hurt their dad's feelings. So he fills them with guilt, therefore prevents the kids from having to much fun while they are with me. That's when, whenever we took the kids out to do something remotely fun, like swimming off the rocks in the Kankakee River, or taking them to the most awesome skate park, T felt he needed to top it.

But regardless of how much fun the kids pretended not to have, I have all of the “fun” in my photo albums. The kids always had fun. They were aloud to have friends stay the night at my house, and have cool fun bonfires and run around the subdivision. They were never aloud to have friends stay the night at their dads house because they would say “the house is to messy for us to have friends over.” That makes me so sad to hear children say that their house is to messy to have friends over. I told the kids to tell their dad and the new wife to clean it. But apparently it wouldn't work. My house was a place where all the kids in the neighborhood would hang out. It was busy all the time when the kids were there for the weekends, or for summer and I loved it.

I was happy to have all the court drama behind us. It is so emotionally draining. I hated being there, but happy it was all over, and happy that most of what I requested was granted. I would soon find out, that T had his attorney file motions to change all the decisions that the judge made. Even though, the judge said that he wouldn't change it, but his attorney said, well I will file it anyway. But with those motions, nothing was changed, except the child support. They made it higher then it was to begin with, and that made me mad. But what could I do? The court date for the next motions, wasn't going to be until 2005.

What I didn't know when they changed all the child support again, they forgot to add the arrears from 2000 in with the new amount. Was this done intentionally? I'm going to say yes!

But it wouldn't be until 2007 before I would find this out.

If I knew then.....

“Parental Alienation” or “Hostile aggressive Parenting”

...Is a form of child abuse. Alienation or Hostile aggressive Parenting is a group of behaviors that are damaging to child's mental and emotional well-being, and can interfere with a relationship of a child and either parent. These behaviors most often accompany high conflict marriages, separation or divorce. The behaviors whether verbal or non-verbal, cause a child to be mentally manipulated or bullied into believing a loving parent is the cause of all their problems, and or the enemy, to be feared hated and disrespected and or avoided.

PA and HAP deprive children of their right to be loved by and show love for both of their parents. This for of abuse, not only can occur from that alienating parent, but a third party as well.

If I knew then what I know now about PA or HAP, that definition could have made a huge difference in the outcome of the custody decision. Or maybe not. Most Judges and attorneys know of the term, they just refuse to believe that it happens. In Illinois, it is not recognized, nor is it a law.

Only a few States recognize, PA or HAP as a form of child abuse. So, then I guess that wouldn't have helped me. But I still wish I knew about the term, the definition and the symptoms of it.

much. For the most part they were good kids. Which I am thankful for.

As a parent, I made sure that I had all the contact information I needed for schools and teachers.

I would order school pictures every year. But that wasn't always easy. Since the schools gave the kids the order forms to bring home, I never received one. I always had to call the schools and ask them to mail it to me. Every year I would have to go through the same thing. “I don't live with my kids and their dad won't make a copy of the form..can you please send it to me.” They would, eventually send it.

I would order the pictures and make sure they came directly to my house. Same with news letters and report cards. I received a school calendar as well to keep me updated on events that were going on. I made all contacts with teachers regarding progress reports, and I would schedule parent-teacher conferences over the phone due to the travel. Each one was happy to accommodate my request. I took it upon myself to be involved as much as T would allow. However, whenever I did go to the schools for anything, I would always be stared at. They would whisper as I walked by. It wasn't just my imagination, this stuff was actually happening. I would also be followed. They would try not to make it obvious, but I am very observant about my surroundings, and I paid close attention whenever I was at the schools.

I highlighted the days the school is closed for cleaning day, or teacher in-service day. Hoping that one of those days fell on my weekend so I could keep them that extra day. But when I would ask T about keeping them, his answer would always be NO! His answer was always no. I got pretty tired of it.

Sometime between Christmas 2002 and Spring 2003, T's girlfriend moved in with them. She, was a divorced mother of one, a daughter. She was also the same age as Brandon, older by a few months.

From what the boys would tell me, they didn't like her. They would make fun of her. They would tell me that she would scream and throw fits, and punch the walls. I would tell the boys, that its hard for kids to adjust to new surroundings. This is probably a hard time for her. Hopefully she will get better over time. They didn't care, they just didn't like her.

I don't know much about the size of the home they all now lived in. According to the kids, the twins shared a room, Brandon and Cody shared a room, she had her own and T and his live-in-secretary (that's what I started calling her) stayed downstairs. The house is old, its visibly noticeable. The kids said its full of mold in the basement. That worried me. Mold can kill you. But figured if I made a call to have it checked out, then that would just be opening a whole can of worms for me. So I let it go.

Once she established herself in the home, she took over the communication between me and T. She became his “live in secretary.” I hated this. She was now making all the calls about everything. But this is what he needed, someone to do all the work. Between her, his mother and him, I became a target. It was there job to make my life a living hell. With each email I sent asking for an extension for my visitation, I would always be told NO. When I finally found out she was behind all the responses, I asked that T be the person responding to me. So at the end of each email it would say “PER T.”

Give me a break! Now, I know that I can't prove that she was the one that responded to me all the time, but come on. But later I would find out in court, that she in fact was not even allowing him to see the emails that I sent and was just responding to them herself.

She stepped right in a made her self right at home. She was a spitting image of his mother. She was just what he needed. She fit right in with that family too. Scuzzy, nasty fat ass bitch. (sorry) She fell right into the same game with T, keeping me a step behind them and brain washing the kids. They were a match made in heaven.

When the kids starting participating in sports, T knew that it would interfere with my visitation time. Most of the soccer games fell on a Saturday morning. My time started at 6pm Friday nights. So either I could attend the kids games on Saturday or I could make them miss the games and pick them up on Friday nights, or I could pick them up on Friday nights, drive them back up north for the games on Saturday, then drive back to my house after the games then drive them home on Sunday's. That is a lot of dang driving. So I chose to forfeit my Friday night pick up time and decided that I would attend the soccer games. To them it was one less night that I was going to be with the kids and vs. versa. But to me, it was a honor to watch my kids play soccer. I would take pictures and cheer them on. But no matter where I was, I was always being watched.

One time, T wouldn't even let the kids come near me until the end of the games. I thought that was so awful. After all this was on my time.....but again, just his way of being able to control everything. Mainly it was a power trip in front of his new girlfriend and his parents. Because whenever his parents were not at the games, which was rarely ever, the boys would run to me with open arms with excitement. I also think that once I started to bring my video camera his tone changed.

I sat on the opposite side of the field most of the time too. I didn't want to be near them. It was always a very uneasy situation. It made me mad too when people who heard me cheering on the boys, would come up to me and ask, are you Brandon's mom? I would say yes, I am. They would look at me with surprise, and say, “oh, I thought V was there mom. I would say with a smile “ nope, I'm Brandon's mom...” then they would say how good he was, just to change the subject. Things like that made me mad. It just added fuel to my fire. Brandon was a great soccer player. He was called the “little hurricane.” He made me proud. I would rather attend there games and allow them to be kids, then take that away from them for my selfish reasons. But T didn't think that way.

When soccer season was over, and I couldn't make it on a Friday night due to weather, work or other things that may occur, he would automatically cancel my entire weekend. Which was wrong.

When this would happen, I would just drive up there on Saturday morning anyway, since it was still my time, he would be gone with the kids. I would wait an hour for them to show up, then I would call the police and file an “interference with visitation report.” This would happen over 3 times. And each time I would call the police and file another report. Little did I know, that after each one, I needed to follow up with it at the courthouse and file charges. I thought it was after 3 offenses. So after the 3^rd one that's what I did. I filed a report and tried to take him to criminal court. He had to hire an attorney, again, but when I was threatened by that attorney to let it go or T would drag me through court with more stuff on my then I could fathom, I decided to drop the charges. Why, he didn't have anything on me. My nose was clean....it was just a threat because he knew he was busted and would be in a lot of trouble. After that 3^rd offense, he knew I meant business. He never pulled another stunt like that again.

With each weekend that he took from me, I would ask for it to be made up. Each time SHE would deny that request. Which again, was unfair to me and to the boys. But, its what they wanted.

After those episodes, the boys would ask “why didn't you come and get us mom?” I started showing them the police reports that I filed, proving that I was there to pick them up. They never asked again.

Another incident occurred when I was on vacation with the boys in Tennessee. My brother decided that he was going to have a come apart while the kids were there. He tool a golf club after my sisters car while her kids where in it. When she called her husband to come and calm his butt down, my brother decided that he was going to get a weapon and kill him if he decided to interfere with his meltdown. Nonetheless, we let my brother have his little meltdown, but it didn't come without upsetting all of us who witnessed it. I took my kids over to my sisters house that night, so my brother could calm down. I couldn't help but mention to the boys, that I don't need them going back to daddy and telling him what happened. I explained to them what would happen if they did go back and tell T all that happened. But, like most kids, they didn't listen to what I said and they told T what happened.

It didn't take long before I received a letter and motion in mail from T's attorneys trying to get all trips to Tennessee stopped. Stating that “my brother's illness is a great concern for the safety and well-being

of the kids and it's in the best interest if they no longer where aloud to make the trips with me, if my brother will be present.” I immediately sent a letter back to his attorney, assuring him that my kids were not in any danger. The situation was handled appropriately. That it is merely impossible to assure that my bother will not be involved in future trips to Tennessee. Furthermore, if I was to request that I don't want the boys around T's brother because he is not a good influence on the boys either, would he agree to that? I never heard another thing about that.

I wasn't going to let this go. Brian and I talked about this situation, and decided that the best action we can take is to sit the boys down and talk to them about what I received and what their dad was trying to do. So we did. Come to find out, they kept it quiet as long as they could. But T kept asking them questions about the trip. Drilling them about things that we did, who we stayed with. Well, Dalton fell victim to his drilling and said, without thinking, that we stayed with Grammy and then when Uncle J had his fit we stayed with Auntie. That was all T needed to hear. The boys knew the repercussions from

what was said to T. They were sorry, and apologized. Eventually, I found out that although Dalton made that confession, Cody was made to tell his dad the entire story. I didn't blame Cody or Dalton. They had no idea they were being trapped into talking about our trip or anything that went on, good or bad. T was slick, and he used his children as pawns.

I would receive emails requesting that I send underwear and socks to them that one of the boys left at my house. Instead of them wearing what they had on when I picked them up, they just wore the ones from my house. Which is fine with me. I didn't think twice about it really. It's socks and underwear for God sakes. So I an email back, letting them know that I will not send socks and underwear via the mail. That the request was ridiculous and unwarranted. The socks and underwear will remain with me until the next visitation at which time they will be returned when the boys are dropped off that night.

It was petty stuff like this that I was getting sick of.

Phone calls would be denied when I called. I would leave messages and I would never get a call back. I would ask the kids did dad tell you I called? They would say no. I would ask them “why don't you call me?” They would say, “I asked dad and he said not now, maybe later.” I said just pick up the phone and call me..they said “he will ground us if we disobey.” That mad me furious. My child is wanting to call me and they are telling him no. That's wrong. I kept a log of each time I would call and each time I left a message. I called for one week straight one time, all at the same time, and never got a response.

If ever I did get to talk to them, they were always quiet and withdrawn. Like someone was listening to everything they would say. Which I found out was true. I didn't like putting the kids in the position. So eventually I stopped calling. I wasn't getting through majority of the time, and when I did, which was once a year, they would monitor the conversation and I didn't want the boys to feel uncomfortable.

This is what they wanted. If I don't call, then I don't care. But, I made sure the kids knew I called, not only did I have my log of phone calls, I also had the phone bills to show each time.

With everything going on, and way to much for me to handle, Brian and I wanted to take T back to court to get a few things fixed. For one, the child support was way to high, according to an attorney that we spoke too. For two, I didn't feel the need to pay for the kids extra curricular activities. Nor did I feel that I need to receive bills in mail from them, requesting that I pay for ½ of Cody's band instrument.

When I got that bill from HER via email, I flipped my lid. I sent an email back to HER immediately stating that I not ordered to pay for his instrument. It just so happens that my mother owned that same instrument and offered to send it to me so that Cody could use it, therefore neither one of us would have to pay for it. So, I made that offer to HER via email. No response. Later, when we went back to court, I made sure that was brought up and the judge told T that I didn't need to pay ½ for an instrument since I had offered it to them for free. When T was presented with the letter that I sent HER via email, he said he didn't know about that offer. I didn't have to pay, and he told T if you choose to pay for an instrument that is your problem, but she had one and is offering it so you won't.

Needless to say, T wasn't happy with that outcome and stormed out of the courthouse doors rambling something in Swedish. (Oh, ya didn't I mention, he was brain washed by his mom to think he was Swedish?) This wasn't the only thing that he didn't like about that day in court. But more on that later.

Brian and I knew that if we took T back to court, we would have to make some changes ourselves. We started talking about getting married. It was November 2003 when we decided to get married in December. We would tell the boys during Thanksgiving break. But once again, I would be denied my Thanksgiving with my kids because of T.

The week of Thanksgiving, I sent T an email letting him know that I will be there to pick up the kids on Wednesday night at 6 pm for the Thanksgiving weekend. I never heard a response from him. So, I sent it again. Still, no response. Finally I called his cell phone and what -ya-know he picked up.

This is when he told me that I wouldn't be getting the kids for Thanksgiving this year, because I was being investigated for child abuse. “No one has called you yet” he asked me, I said “no!” “Who is suppose to call me?” He said I guess “DCFS.” He didn't say what for, but I had a feeling.

A few months ago, I was making up my bed in my room, and Austin decided he was going to run out of the bedroom naked. When I saw this, I came up behind him and swatted him on his fanny. I told him that he needed to get clothes on and then told him that we don't show our privates to anyone, not even our brothers. That we are to keep our privates to ourselves. That was it. Nothing else happened and nothing else was said. The day went on as normal. But it turned into a huge ordeal.

When I found out that DCFS was suppose to come to my house and investigate me, I called them and invited them right over. Sine I worked with DCFS, it didn't take me long. We made the appointment for 4pm. Brian would be home at that time and I wanted him present when the investigator came over. When she pulled up, welcomed her in. She, just like me, when we pulled up to a home, we checked out the area. She said, nice house, you have it decorated so lovely. I showed her around, and then we sat in the family room and began to talk. I asked her what was I being investigated for? She told me, and I told her I had a feeling it was about that. So she wanted me to explain what happen. So I did. She said I don't see anything here that indicates abuse. She said I will make my case notes and and this will be closed. As far as she was concerned, this was a waste of her time. I handled that situation appropriately.

I did want to know exactly what the allegation was though. It is stated that the victim says that you hit him in his penis. I was appalled, hurt and sad. According to the investigator, Austin was taken to the Dr. and pictures were taken of his penis. “Are you kidding me?” This is a bunch of crap. “Why would a parent put a child through this embarrassment. What did this do to Austin? How did this make him feel? I told the investigator that I have a feeling I know why T put this in Austin's head and made this allegation. Even though it was my year for Thanksgiving, T knew that I wouldn't let him have them this year, and this was his only way of making sure that I didn't and he did. When I told this to the investigator, she agreed and she she sees this all the time. She also said, that if I don't hire an attorney and stop him from continuing to use the kids in allegations, then he wouldn't stop. I said, so I can get my kids for Thanksgiving? She said yep, I see no reason why you can't, there is no safety plan here so you can follow what you would normally follow as far as the holiday goes. I thanked her and she was gone.

Well with that news, I emailed T and told him that I was coming to get the kids. He still refused until he had the final report in his hand that says that I can have the kids and that allegation of abuse was going to be unfounded. I didn't the kids for that Thanksgiving either. I was pissed. Brian and I wanted to tell the boys that we were getting married, and now we wouldn't be able to share that with them.

On December 20, 2003 in a very small ceremony under Christmas lights and candles, Brian and I were married. It was the most beautiful ceremony. I had no worries, no stress. Everything worked out perfect. The boys were not able to attend, although it was my weekend, it also was T's birthday and the order stated that he gets them for his birthday and it takes precedence over my weekend. I would have loved for them to be a part of that day. But I wasn't going to even try and ask. Being told no again, probably would have set me over the edge. We told the boys on Christmas Day. They were excited.

We waited until February 2004 before we hired an attorney. Now the ball is in my court.

The end and the beginning....

The end and the beginning......

After we came back from lunch the judge made her decision/ruling. I guess she needed to take that time to really think about who's lives she was about to destroy.

It went something like this:Well after she ran her mouth for about an hour, trying to clarify things, it went like this:

The court finds that T and Angela are now divorced....she shall be entitled to change her name back to her maiden name to Metcalf.

The defendants were married on June 13, 1992, 4 children were produced out of this marriage,

Cody, Brandon, Austin and Dalton, all of which are the minor children of the parties.

After taking some time to look over, and after hearing the testimony, the parties were very young when they got married, ramble, ramble, ramble.......they seemed to have had several issues regarding commitment issues.

She went on to say to me directly, “that she just doesn't see how she can grant joint custody to the both us when neither one of us can work together. “Mam,” she says, “this isn't a two way street, it can't always go your way.” And from what I have heard, the testimony from your uncle, his mother, and Mr. T himself, you are a very controlling type of personality, and with his personality, the two just don't fit well together. He backs down when you start to intimidate him...he feels like he has no choice but to back down. I just don't see the both of you working well if I was to grant joint custody.”

Furthermore, I feel that you living with your boyfriend, whom you met over the internet, that just doesn't send a message of stability. I admire that you are starting to attend classes, and that you want to further your education, but I just don't think that, from the testimony I have heard, that you can provide that stability for your children. I do understand that with T's mom helping him, has been a great part of his ability to provide and parent his children, and to her I thank you, it's not easy......”

At this time I was feeling so sick to my stomach, I wanted to throw up. How did she get that I don't have stability, just because I live with my boyfriend. Have you seen where we live? Have you been to our home? Have you looked at T's house, and where my kids actually have to sleep at night? She made it sound like I was the slum of the earth, how dare I have a boyfriend, and live with him.

Give me a break! How many kids are living with a single parent that has a new guy every night in their home? Our house was nice, clean and a loving, safe environment. He lived in a dog kennel of a house. Run down, old farm house that was like 1000 years old. Really? The boys always said they hated that house. That it was to small. Little did they know, it was about to get even smaller.

After she was all finished painting this glorious picture of the “father of the year” she did let him know that he didn't make some right decisions either. A few months back, Brandon, being the little boy he is, fell off the monkey bars and broke his arm. T waited until the day before I was to pick them up for our visit to tell me. When he did, I went ballistic. This was my baby, and he broke his arm and I couldn't help him or be with him? I was so mad!

But all the judge said to him was “let her get ballistic, she's the mom, her kid got hurt, just suck it up and call her, don't wait 2 weeks to tell her that her child has a broken arm.”

So she granted T sole custody of the boys, just based off, not what my uncle said or didn't say, just the fact that he was there made her believe that I had done something so wrong, that even my own family member would testify against me. Just him being there alone was enough for her. That he didn't even plead the 5^th is what did it. The teachers that made me look bad when I yelled about them not letting me see my kids. His mother of course, painting this perfect picture of her innocent son being trapped by me, into a marriage and a life that he really didn't want. Bull crap!!! It's what she wanted all along.

Then T himself, testifying that he has had to struggle with being a single dad for the last 2 years and how hard he has worked to provide a great home for them. “Really, jerk you live like scum, and your proud of that?” “Give me a break. Your the biggest wuss I have ever met. If your mom wasn't in the court room with you at each hearing to hold you close to her tit for your support, you would have stepped behind your attorney to hide. But your mom gave you the “temporary backbone” that you never had and will never have.” I so badly wanted to yell that in the court room that day, but I couldn't I was frozen. Besides, it probably wouldn't have been a great idea at the moment.

The judge also laid out a better visitation schedule for the holidays, since T still didn't understand how to follow it correctly. I had asked for the baby books, clothes the boys came home from the hospital in, and she denied that request, stating that “all that stuff will remain with the children.”

Really, they need their own baby books? I asked for T to provide me with copies of Ins cards, since he was going to be providing that for them, I thought it would be safe if I had a copy just in case of an emergency. She denied that, stating that T had a trust issue with providing me with that information.

“Hello, it's just insurance cards, what's to trust or not trust?”

I wanted to pick up my kids from school on Friday's and she denied that request. Anything that I requested, she denied. He won, and I lost. And my kids lost. I put up a good fight, and tried to give both of us the opportunity to parent our children together. But all my efforts didn't pay off.

I blame it all on my uncle, I blame the judicial system. I blame the courts. To them, it's all about the win and who is going to pay me the most money to continue the fight. I blame T and his mom for destroying the lives of my kids. They thought they were just hurting me, but they were really hurting my kids. The ones who didn't have a voice or a choice.

I was also ordered to pay for $1000.00 of his attorney's fees. I didn't hire an attorney because I couldn't afford one, and now I was having to pay $1000.00 to his for making my life a living hell?

Although she granted the divorce that May of 2002, it didn't become final until August of 2002. All the paperwork and crap that is involved. I think it's just another way for attorney's to get rich. I hate them all!

It amazes me to this day how many people that I talk to who have been divorced, and have had to deal with the same issues that I did. I am sad. Why is is aloud to happen? Why are so many children being victimized, mentally and physically just because one parent has to be out for blood? I may never know the answer to that.

I was thankful when August 22 came around. I was finally free from the mess of preparing for trials, and living on the edge of my seat. Well, to some extent. It didn't seem to take very long for that to wear off. During the course of the year, it was confirmed that T was dating that girl that I spotted that day I dropped off the kids early.

Anyway, it didn't take long for them to make it official. I believe that she moved in with T and the boys right before Christmas of that year. (2002)

In November 2002, it was my year to have the kids for Thanksgiving, since the last time I had them was in 2000. That's just the general rule, with a holiday schedule anyway. Well, since it seems as if T once again couldn't comprehend that concept, he decided to avoid all my phone calls regarding Thanksgiving. That year, I was invited to spend Thanksgiving with my family in Elgin. We were meeting at the church that we all went to since I was a baby. I refer to it as “The Elgin Church.”

Anyway, I was very hesitant to go. I felt out of place, blacklisted, uncomfortable, and uneasy. Before that day arrived, I called my aunt, the one I stayed with for that month while I was waiting for the birth of Cody, and T's arrival from boot camp. I called her and expressed my concern, and my fears. She assured me that everything would be alright. That everyone knew I was coming, or at least being invited. Remember, this would be the first time I would face my uncle since the trail. It was going to be uncomfortable.

Thanksgiving Day arrived, and I drove to Elgin. I wasn't exactly excited about this day, after all, I hadn't seen or spoke to most of them in 2 years. It was also a sad day, I was suppose to have the kids for Thanksgiving this year, and I was being denied that right. But what could I do?

I arrived at the church, and was welcomed with hugs, and smugs. didn't hug my uncle, I think we just said hi. But he didn't take anytime to ask “where are the boys?” I said, “I was suppose to have them this year, but T's not allowing me too.” With that I walked away. I think he got my point.

The day went fairly well. I brought a few pictures albums from my life for the past 2 years. Pictures with Brian and the kids. Pictures of all the fun things we have done with the kids. The life that I am providing for them. The home we live in. I was really trying to make a point, and I think it got across.

I think! I did feel uncomfortable for the most part during the day. How did it come to that? This was a family that I had relied on all of my life. I looked up to my aunt and uncle, my cousins. I adored them, and thought so highly of them as a kid. It was always such a treat to be with them, to spend the weekend with them. It was a nice, peaceful getaway for me as a kid. They were the family that you always wanted to be around. And now, sitting with them at Thanksgiving dinner, I was estranged, I didn't belong. I didn't fit in.

After it was all said and done, I went, I faced the enemy in the eye, and I made sure that I left them that day with a smile. I was happy with my new life. I had come along way from that alcoholic and drug addict that I was thought to have been. I had made a new life for myself, and I wasn't going to let them or anyone change that.

Christmas and New Years 2002 came and went. I did get the kids for my regular Christmas schedule.

I took them to may parents for the holidays. I was looking forward to a new year and a fresh start. 2002 was a hard year. I had so many things going on, I didn't have time to stop and smell the roses. I captured memories of my kids on film. Watching them grow, and change. Time goes quickly when you have to savor each moment. It's sad, although I had visitation with my kids, I have watched them grow up in my memories. My photo albums are filled with little boys that smile. They have such great spirits about them. They love to laugh and have fun. They love to be noticed, praised and appreciated. They loved to have hugs. And I was always there for them, well, there when I was scheduled to be there.

I had to get in as much “mom” time as I could. I always looked forward to our weekends together.

It was my time. My time to actually be a mom. I was a weekend mom. The visiting mom. I was the noncustodial parent, and T made sure that I lived by that title. He would make my life a living hell in the years to come. Although it was the end of our “marriage” legally, it was just the beginning of the pure hell he was going to put me through.

it just keeps getting better.....

Brian and I adjusted to our new budget. I pretty much got screwed in court, and T was getting more then 50% of my pay. Which by law, he was only suppose to get

40% for the 4 kids, or 40% of my net. He ended up getting more close to 60%. We did the math...and that's what it boiled down too. Basically I was making like $2.50 an hour for my take home wages. Thank goodness, Brian was a good sport, and he understood.

Our lives didn't change. We kept the kids on our visitation weekends. From time to time I would ask T if I could switch weekends due to plans that we had made, and each time I would ask for a change, I would be told NO! He would say to me, if I can't get them for my regular weekend visitation, he wasn't going to switch. So either I would have to cancel my plans that Brian and I had made, or I just wouldn't see the boys for my weekend. I tried to make sure that any plans that Brian and I did make, were not on the same weekend I had with the kids. This is where I started making a calendar, for me and the boys. I would mail it to them. But when that started coming back to me in the mail “no such address” I would just give it to them when they were with me.

I liked mailing them things on our off weeks, just so they knew I was thinking of them. But when I would ask if they got my letter/card in the mail, they would say no. I made copies of all of them so I could show the kids what I had sent and what they didn't receive. He could only return my mail for so long, and he could only hide the mail I sent for so long too. I eventually started telling the boys I was going to mail them something and to be expecting something in the mail. But that didn't work either.

So I stopped mailing letters all together.

One time my aunt was coming into town, she live in Florida. I was scheduled to pick up the kids at 6pm that Friday night, and they were on spring break...so I didn't think this was going to be an issue.

Anyway, I had sent T an email...and asked if I could pick up the kids at 3 so I could meet up with my aunt and cousins for dinner at Portillos. Of course his answer was no. “Your time is at 6pm.”

That what all the emails were, every single one, every single time I would ask for a little deviation in the schedule. I always had to remind him that my time “is not limited too....” But, that didn't make a difference to T. Any extra time I was with my kids the more he hated it. He was in control, and that’s what he wanted. He had to much control.

From time to time, before our next and final court date, he did allow for some extra time with me and the kids. But that was just to make himself look good in court.

And yes, I may not have been so consistent with my visitation that first year and ½. But it was a lot to soak in. I hardly had any money, after that court date, and travel to and from Kankakee and Dundee was a lot of miles and it took gas money, which I didn't exactly have all the time. I had other bills too.

But this was all part of T's plan. Make it so hard for me to pick up the kids, that I would eventually give up. Well, I didn't, just yet. But I did go sometimes without picking them up on my scheduled weekend, out of pure exhausten and lack of funds to do so. But is wasn't as often as he let it on to be.

I was keeping track.

Right after 911, Brookfield zoo was having a FREE family day, so we decided to take the kids to the zoo, and from there we would just take them home. We had a great time. Brian was a great help, he walked with the kids, mainly the twins hand in hand, and walked with them and talked to them about the animals. We took pictures, and video taped our time together. (just in case)

We had already been there for a good 6 or 7 hours and they boys were getting hot and tired. So we decided that it was time to leave. This was about 330. Now, the drive from Brookfield Zoo to Dundee doesn't take to long. I tried calling T's house number and there was no answer. I tried calling his parents house, knowing that probably where he would be, it was Sunday after all, and to my surprise, no answer.

So I just said we would try both houses once we arrived in Dundee. When we arrived at his house, there was no one home. So I drove to his parents house. It was about 5pm...mind you my drop off time is 6pm....and the whole “not limited too...”

anyway, I pulled up in the driveway, and parked the van, got out and helped the kids out, Cody ran out of the van, went into the house to change clothes, and the twins I was helping change in the car.

(yes they changed clothes, that's another whole issue) so while I was helping the twins change, all of a sudden I started hearing his mom yell “get off our property,” “get off our property!” She kept repeating herself. Then his dad started screaming it at me too.... “get off our property, or I'm calling the cops.”

I yelled right back and said “im dropping off the kids, I tried to call but no one answered the phone.”

They continued to scream at me all the while the kids are listening and witnessing the entire thing.

Finally his dad made his way up to me, and got right in my face....telling me to leave or he was going to call the cops. He was so close to me, that I could smell his nasty breath and nasty body odor (apparently he didn't shower either.) But what he was hoping I would do, was hit him like I hit T that night. But, I kept my cool and just laughed at him. I wish I would've at least spit in his face....that would have been awesome.

His mom didn't shut up either, she kept saying “your drop off time is at 6pm.” Give me a break, it was like 5:15 by now, and they would’ve yelled until 6pm I bet.

.O my God, I know lady, shut up, this is your property and my drop off time is 6pm....I got it!! Bite me already.

Then when his brothers girlfriend pulled in the driveway, that made matters a little worse. I hadn't seen her since the whole ordeal took place. So when I saw her we hugged. I asked how she was, etc.....boy that made his dad even more furious. He was more admitted about getting me off “his property” by this time. The twins were changed and out of the van, Brandon on the other hand was crying and scared and said he didn't want to get out. Well if I was 3 years old with this big guy who he knows as grandpa, I wouldn't want to get out of the van either. Finally, when I yelled down to T that Brandon didn't want to get out of the van because he was scared, that's when he decided to stop playing with his toys in the yard and come get Brandon. But he stomped over, he didn't walk. He stomped, like it was such a burden to come and comfort and help his son, who was terrrifedof his grandpa by now.

I also noticed someone else while all this commotion was going on. A new face in the crowd. She was a thick gal, blond hair, looked trashy. Could it be? ….Did he have a new victim? Shoo nuff, he had a girlfriend. Poor thing. I would hope after she witnessed this little soap opera, she wouldn't want to stay.

I didn't care that he had a new girlfriend, it didn't bother me. I had moved on a long time ago, even before Brian came into my life I had moved on. So his new relationship didn't bother me.

All this time I had the video camera in the van, and not one time did I think to have Brian start it up and get all of this great incriminating evidence on video. Dang it!

He just sat there in awe, looking and watching as T's parents scream at me in front of the kids. It was so bad. It was the last encounter I would ever have with them. Thank God.

After that was all over and I drove away, I cried. It was the most awful thing. I hated that I had to leave my kids in that mess. That my kids were being subjected to that much hatred and anger. I was so mad at myself for dropping them off when I did. I said maybe I could've waited 45 more minutes..or what if.....maybe I should've.......

It didn't matter. What happened , happened. And now I had something to write about in my journal.

But, not only would I write this in my journal, but I would write his mother a nice letter too. (Actually, I typed it) and I sent his attorney an account of what happen. Because I am sure that T wasn't going to tell him what his parents had done in front of this kids. This would make their little perfect family look so bad in front of a judge. I didn't just tell her what I thought about that incident, but I let her have it all the way around. I brought up her dead mother, and how sorry they are for being who they were. Bla bla bla. I never heard from her or the attorney on this matter. Except when he questioned me about the comment about her dead mother when I was on the witness stand. But, for what? There was no rhyme or reason for the questioning....it didn't have any thing to do with the case at hand or my parenting skills. Notice that they didn't want to mention that incident at all?

In my journal, I also made a note about a new face I saw during the whole ordeal. She was standing down by T and his mom while they screamed at me. While they made themselves look stupid.

Could this new face be T's new girlfriend? If it was, I sure hope that she saw what she was getting

herself into with this family. Poor girl, hopefully this will open her eyes.

In August 2001 Brandon turned 6 years old. I had a small party for him at our house. I was finally able to have a party for my boys. I bought a cake and make his favorite meal, tacos.

In November of that year, I took the kids to Tennessee, since we had a long weekend, and they had no school and it all fell on my weekend, I took them to see my parents in TN. There, we celebrated Cody's 9th and the twins 4^th birthday's. It was a nice trip. The boys always enjoyed going to Grammy and Pa-pa's. They love seeing their cousins. There was always something to do. We miss those times. My parents miss the boys. My sister and her girls miss them too. It brings tears to my parents eyes when we talk about the boys. I've become so immune, I rarely cry about it. I am sad all the time. Half my heart is gone, its empty. It's like one of those necklaces with two ½ 's of a heart and someone holds on to one ½ and the other ½ you give to your friend to hold on to. The other piece belongs to the other piece, the missing piece to make it a solid heart. Well, they hold onto ½ of my heart...and until we are all united, our hearts won't be whole.

A few weeks ago my dad was looking at a photo album and came across a few pictures of the boys, as he looked at the picture he started saying quietly to himself , “I really miss those boys, I really do miss them.” He just happen to be sitting across from my uncle, the one that testified on T's behalf. I think my dad wanted to make sure that his brother heard that. If his brother (my uncle) did, he sure didn't say one word about it. Must be that “selective hearing” that happens with all men. Who knows?

Sometimes I wonder myself if my uncle feels badly at all for his behavior? Well, if he does, he sure hasn't apologized to me for it. As a matter of fact, I haven't received an apology from anyone in my family for the way they treated me or made me feel. Oh well, sadly they are now reaping what they sewed. Karma is a bitch!

I was in a constant battle with my parents about my living situation with Brian. I was a sinner, living with and sleeping with this man whom I wasn't married too. I stopped talking to them after a while. I would even get crap from my sister too. I would eventually just ignore their phone calls and only talk to them when I actually needed too. I would have the boys call them while they were with me, so they could say hi. I didn't care if I was living with Brian, it didn't effect the way I parented my children, and it didn't change who I was. Needless to say, Brian never did go with me to TN until we were married. My mother wouldn't allow us to sleep in the same room under her roof. That was fine with the both of us. I had to much to deal with as it was, let alone having to deal with my parents rules.

When May of 2002 finally arrived, I was happy to finally be getting the 2nd phase of this trail over with. I never understood why we had to go to trial anyway. I was pretty much in agreement over everything, except I didn't want T to get sole custody of the boys. I wanted joint. But that still didn't mean that a trial was warranted. Nonetheless, we were on the 2^nd phase of the trail. It had been sometime since we were in the courtroom, and by this time, a new judge was at the bench. She would not be much better then the last. As a matter of fact she would be worse.

This time around, I was going to be calling my own witnesses. I also now had letters from my co-workers and supervisor, giving written statements about my character. They have also had the privilege of meeting my boys, so that helped. I had also finished my training with DCFS and would have my certification as a mandated reporter, and I would also have completed the Healthy Family of Illinois training too. I though would be a good thing to have under my belt for the judge to see, that Joint Custody is in the best interest of the kids. T didn't have any sort of training, or skills.

T also had his fair share of witnesses to question. 2 of which were the twins daycare teachers. Really?

I knew what they were their for. One time when I was at their daycare, they wouldn't let me in the classroom during a break time. So I threw a fit, and I did a little yelling. I said, if I am paying for ½ of the bill for them to be here, then I have the right to check on them whenever I want too. Well, come to find out, I wasn't on the “list” to allow into the classroom. That infuriated me even more. I continued to yell, rant and rave all the way out the door. I guess I shouldn't have acted that way, but come on, those were my kids and once again, I was being told I couldn't see them? Not only that, but I didn't sign the paper work for them to even be in that daycare. It was all in T's name. Then why the hell am I paying for ½ of it?

Another time that I showed up, on better terms, I participated in the twins Valentines Day party. I brought treats for all the kids. It was so nice to be able to do that with my kids. It made me feel like a “real mom.” But when I was leaving, the twins started putting on their coats, hats and mittens. They thought they were going with me. They started crying. No they were sobbing, with that pitiful cry that makes them gasp for air. I wanted to cry too so bad, but I needed to contain myself. I did however, manage to snap pictures of them crying. To this day, I can't make myself look at those sad pictures. All they wanted was to go with their mom.

I was coming back the next day to pick them up. Yes, I drove all the way to Dundee on a Thursday for the valentines party, and drove back home, just to turn around and drive back the next day to pick them up. But of course all worth it. Anyway, I kept telling the twins that I was coming back tomorrow to get them for the entire weekend. I promised them I would be back. But they didn’t understand that.

I eventually left with them still crying. It was so sad. It broke my heart. The teachers didn't want to tell what happen on that day in court, how well manored I was, ha ha ha...nor did they want to mention how distraut the twins became when I was leaving. I wonder why?

I would spend the day participating in all 4 of the boys valentines day party's at school. My mom liked to send them flowers and balloons too at school for the holiday, and for their birthday. They looked forward to receiving it every year. So when I was in each classroom, they received a special gift. It was a balloon and flowers that was sent from my parents, sister and cousins. Attached was a card that would say “we love you happy valentines day.” I took pictures of this too. The teachers never mentioned the flowers or balloons that my parents sent either. Go figure!

Even when I brought it up to them in cross examination, they acted as if they forgot. But when I showed my exhibit “x y or z”....the picture of them sobbing, fully dressed in coats, hats and mittens, they suddenly remembered that they did start crying, but stopped as soon as I left. Really?? Can you actually believe that they even suggested that I not come back again, since that was an interruption of class.

I was livid.

His mom was questioned, and then it was my turn. I don't think we got very far. If you ask me it was a waste of money and time. The witness that I brought, never had a chance to be questioned, and my letter of character were not admitted either. When it was my turn to be questioned, I tried to hold it together. But somewhere in the middle of it all I lost it, and cried so hard I couldn't contain myself.

I begged with the judge not to grant T sole custody of the boys, because “if he was granted sole, it would be just a matter of time before he alienated me from them.” She didn’t say a word. She just stared at the papers in front of her, and took notes. I told her that the last 2 years, since we separated have been difficult. I struggled to find a job, a place to live, my car was repoed...I was living by a schedule to visit my kids. She didn't care! It was the same old sob story she hears everyday.

But I needed her to listen to me. But nope.....Then T's attorney decided to ask a question about a message that I left on his machine one day. Remember that nasty one I left around Christmas 2000.

Well, they “tried” to get the tape to play, but it didn't. Nonetheless, the judge said not to bother, it wouldn’t change her mind on her decision.

By this time, I honestly think the judge was realizing that we were there for no real reason and decided to break for lunch. She figured out that I wasn't trying to get custody of the kids, since I felt I had no chance in hell, all I wanted was joint. She broke for lunch and dismissed us. After lunch she would make her decision.